Waiting To Be Told
by The WGPM
Summary: "Summer! It's like the world's best story and it's waiting to be told!" / A compilation of episode-like one-shots, each designed to pass as a 'normal' day in the summer of P&F. But what is normal for those two? Now Showing: Episode 8, Act My Age: Hilarity ensues when Doofenshmirtz's Age Switch-Inator misses - and hits a certain Candace Flynn.
1. Lively River

**Hi, everybody! How are we today? Alright, I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am continuing MfEO. I'm just putting this out there for some fun to celebrate my birthday-which-isn't-my-actual-birthday, February eleventh, the day I first joined FanFiction. It's been a great year - and so this story goes out to _you_: my friends, readers, and fellow writers here on FFN. Each of these are supposed to be of similar substance to the show we all know and love. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy! (*Blows into a noisemaker*)**

**Also, I don't happen to own _Phineas and Ferb_ (although that would be an awesome not-birthday present) or anything otherwise alluded to in this here story.**

**Warning: Chapter contains obscure amounts of randomness formed primarily by the interactions between the author and her brother. Read at your own risk.**

* * *

"Trees."

Ferb thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"Mirrors."

Same reaction.

"Hm... Shoelaces? No, that's just ridiculous. We need to think bigger."

Phineas pressed his hand to his chin, and for a few seconds, no one spoke. "That's it!" The redhead finally proclaimed, "Paper towels!"

All seemed right with this idea until Phineas came to his senses and realized, "No, no, no. Wow, I thought that thinking of random everyday objects to design a Big Idea about would work. Guess that was a little far-fetched."

Ferb withdrew a picture of what looked like a small, brown duck holding a green stick. "Not _that_ kind of far-fetched, silly. Come on, there's gotta be something inside that can spark our imagination."

With that, the boys stood up and walked calmly into the house. "Ideas, ideas, ideas, ideas..." Phineas chanted, apparently trying to summon the day's project. "Ideas, ideas, ide- I know! Ceiling fans! We can - no, then we take the risk of recreating the Clothesline Incident." The boy sighed. "It's like everything in this house can be related in some way to one of our projects. Look, even that glockenspiel is sporting nothing but a used idea. Maybe we need something a little more exotic."

The two rounded the corner into their living room, where Candace sat, hurriedly trying to change the channel on the television away from Ducky Momo. "Remind me again why there is a glockenspiel in our kitchen." Ferb requested.

Phineas let the thought sink in. "You know, I really have no clue," he stated. "Hiya Candace, whatcha watchin'?"

"Um, it's... What _am_ I watching?" She pulled up the channel guide to discover that the program's title was in Spanish. She jabbed the 'scroll down' button on the remote a couple times, finally settling for one that looked convincing enough. "Well, whatever it is, it's on commercials now," Candace deduced, grinning proudly.

_"Are you looking for something exotic and fun to do this summer?"_ An announcer asked, _"Then come on down to-"_

"Nah, never been a fan of commercials anyway," Candace complained, reverting back to channel surfing.

_"Pickles so green and meat so brown..."_

_"Buy 'R' Product!"_

_"It works for PIIIGS!"_

_"¡Verano! ¿Por dónde hay que empezar?"_

_"That would have been a catchy song if I could speak Mandarin Italian."_

_"...Automatic grass dispenser..."_

_"Go back seven channels and your brothers will thank you for it."_

_"Seriously, there's nothing else-"_

_"Ducky Mo, Ducky Momo! He's your very best friend!"_

"Alright, fine, I'll go back," Candace said to the television, defeated. The advertisement was still running.

_"Like we just said seven other times, there is nothing more fun than a water park to cool down in the summer."_

"Man, the commercials on this network are weird. Remind me not to watch them," Candace requested.

"Ferb, you getting this?" Phineas asked his brother, who already had out a notepad and a pencil to check off what they had already done.

_"We have an extensive variety of attractions, including a wave pool, tons of water slides, churro stands and everyone's favorite, the lazy river. Get your season passes before we get kicked off for having a commercial that's too long for our budget-"_

The screen went to static at this. Phineas and Ferb peered over the list, discovering that there was one thing they hadn't made yet.

"A lazy river, huh," Phineas examined, "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, wh-"

_"Where's Perry?" _The television had restored its regular program. _"The famed policeman who disappeared after all donut shops in Danville closed down. The full story, after the break."_

* * *

The boys' platypus was still resting outside. He cocked one eye open and, making sure he was undetected, the secret agent stood erect and whipped his trusty fedora onto his teal head. Wasting no time, he ran around the side of the house and into the garage, where he found a large umbrella meant for an outside picnic table. He rolled it open, climbed up the shaft, and waited for it to close upon him. When it did, he appeared in his lair.

"GoodmorningAgentP!" Major Monogram greeted, bursting with an uncharacteristic rush of energy. "Whatagreatdayitistodaytofightevil! Ifeellikegoingoutinthefieldwithyou! Thatsurewouldbeahoot! ThelookonDoofenshmirtz'sfacewouldbepriceless! Wouldn'titCarl?"

The intern nervously appeared onscreen, humoring his crazed superior. "Yes, that-that would be something, sir. Listen, Agent P, he's been like this all day. I don't know what to do! Please, it might be best to leave to fight Doof now."

"Goodluckbesuccessful!" Monogram bid to his agent, "Breakaleghopefullyhis!"

* * *

"I don't know how Isabella doesn't get tired of asking this, but what are you doing?" Candace demanded, standing outside the sliding glass door to her backyard. Phineas and Ferb were halfway through constructing the day's project, and the teen felt it was about time to intervene.

"Making a lazy river," Phineas replied, setting the artificial surface tension in place. The technical aspects of the river reminded him slightly of multiple other projects of his, but this was neither a sprinkler nor a giant blob of water, and its purpose was different than those were. "Do you want a ride when it's finished?"

"Ew, you mean floating around on a half-deflated tube in freezing cold dead bug- and leaf- infested water and getting run over by teenagers? I'll pass."

"I always thought of them as half-_in_flated. To each his own, I guess." And Phineas turned his attention back to his project.

"Pfft, a lazy river. Who do they think they are?" Candace asked herself, "I dunno, but _what_ they are is 'busted.' Now to find Mom..."

Candace looked all over the house, calling for the woman. After a few minutes of no response, she muttered, "This is gonna be a _long_ day..."

* * *

"I don't know how Candace can get tired of asking this, but whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked, strolling into the famous backyard.

Phineas finished what he was doing and walked up to Isabella. "Ferb and I are making a lazy river through town. We didn't want to have to cut out a moat though, so it's just going to be water resting on the ground by the surface tension technology from some of our earlier endeavors."

"Cool! Literally. Aren't those usually freezing?"

"That may be so, but isn't summer usually scorching?"

"That may be so." Isabella waited for Phineas to say something, and when he didn't, she simply asked to help out; he happily accepted.

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

Agent P's gadget of choice today was the jet pack. Landing in a ready stance on his nemesis's balcony, Perry waited almost instinctively for a trap. Whatever happened to Major Monogram this morning, he was to see that if Doofenshmirrtz was behind it, he would be apprehended. Doofenshmirtz would be apprehended regardless, but Perry was pretty sure he knew what the doctor had in store for today.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus," the man started, "It was pretty obvious that you would come today."

With this, the evil scientist withdrew a remote and pressed its solitary button. Suddenly, the space inhabited by Perry was completely covered in a heap of white powder. "And by 'obvious', I mean totally -vious!" Doofenshmirtz sighed, then rubbed his temple, embarrassed. "Yeah, I felt confidant going into that...

"No matter, though! As you can see, I have trapped you in a mound of the sweetest substance known to man - well, come to think of it, it may not be _the_ sweetest, I just can't think of anything off the top of my head - anyway, it's sugar. So, now that you're trapped, I've been meaning to show you something." He bent down and retrieved an object from offscreen. It looked like a trapezoidal prism-shaped mess of monotone, wrinkled clothes. "Look! I call it a 'laundry block'. Once, when I had finished cleaning these and I only had one laundry basket and two loads, I just dumped these out on my bed - and check it out! It retained the shape it was in when it was in the basket! I dunno, I thought it was cool.

"But that's a scheme for another day. You see, Perry the Platypus, that day I made the Bring-out-the-Desserts-Inator and we did that jumping-up-and-down thing, I got this great idea during my crash. That, and the sudden lack of sugar from my cabinets - I'm pretty sure Mrs. Thompson downstairs is stealing from me - led me to make this!" He yanked a purple cloth off of his invention, which resembled an antenna on a platform. "Behold, Perry the platypus, the Sugar-Rush-Inator! With this device, I will make everyone in the entire Tri-State Area get a sugar rush! Then, while everyone else is busy bouncing off the walls, I will be the only one with enough sense to come into City Hall and take over! Am I a genius, or what?"

Not interested in the question, Agent P started sifting through the grains of sugar and achieved escape. Quickly, he advanced on the doctor and leaped for his face. _For the Major!_ Perry thought as his tail connected with its target.

* * *

"...I think that should do it," Phineas concluded, backing away from the completed river. "Everyone, grab a tube and get in before the water gets tolerable!"

Ferb, Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet followed the redhead's instructions. Soon enough, a beat started from an indiscernible music source and a background singer began preforming:

_It's fine by me  
__If it's not your cup of tea  
__But at least give the river a chance._

_The idea's old  
__And the water's cold  
__And it's infested with dead plants._

_But you're in the right place if you want to cool off,  
__Kick back, and relax in the sun.  
__The beach and the pool are also cool  
__But here, we just have fun!_

_Just slide right in  
Grab a tube and grin  
Give the benefit of the doubt._

_Bring a friend  
With whom you'll spend  
This insufficient route._

_But you're in the right place if you want to cool off,  
Kick back, and relax in the sun.  
The beach and the pool are also cool  
But here, we just have fun!_

* * *

In the house, Candace was nearly giving up on the search for her mother. "Mom?" She called, opening the door to the mud room. "Hello..?"

She closed the door, exhaling sharply. Eventually, she started looking in locations ranging from improbable to utterly impossible.

She opened the linen closet. No mom. The kitchen cabinet yielded the same result (as did the oven). She wasn't in the washing machine or the dryer. The bathroom sink was also, unsurprisingly, sans-Linda. There wasn't anything but 'treasured memories' in Lawrence's toolbox. She wasn't underneath the couch cushions, but $2.03 in change was. She wasn't in any of Phineas and Ferb's dresser drawers.

"I'm going crazy," Candace observed, replacing the lid on the outside garbage can. "What's worse, my phone's dead, and I can't call her! I'll have to ask the boys."

She walked around the house and faced the horrible creation. "Phineas! Ferb!" She shouted, "Where are you?"

Candace's question was answered by the sight of her two brothers floating by on their half-deflated (or half-inflated, if that floats your boat) tubes. "Hey, sis. How's it going?" Phineas greeted.

Impatient, Candace asked, "Have you seen Mom?"

"She went early to that peanut butter convention." Phineas grabbed Ferb's ankle with the hand that wasn't holding Isabella's. The Fireside Girl had grasped one of the handles on Baljeet's tube, which Buford was using as a footrest. "Hey, we have a chain now," Phineas beamed. Ferb took Candace's wrist in his right hand, and with his left he directed a free-floating tube towards the edge of the water. Playfully, he hoisted his stepsister into it, much to the teen's dismay.

"Hey, what are you-! Ah, cold, cold, cold, cold..." Candace muttered, "Ugh, you're lucky I always wear a bathing suit under my normal clothes."

* * *

"Now, Perry the Platypus, you shall see the true power of the sugar rush! Revenge is a dish best served sweet!"

Doofenshmirtz kept one titanium arm out to protect from his nemesis's attacks, using the other to pull a lever on today's -Inator. "I mean, this scheme has nothing to do with revenge, but it was still better than the -vious line! Give me that at least."

Perry stopped mid-punch, shook his head, and resumed the maneuver. Doofenshmirtz dodged, turning back to his invention. "Hey, if you haven't noticed, the -Inator is warming up. Quick, let's take cover behind that overturned table that I may or may not have knocked over in a dance competition against Norm."

The two fled behind said table, interrupting their fight. Perry glared at Doofenshmirtz, who sheepishly continued, "What? It's perfectly normal to have a dance-off with a robot in Drusselstien. Actually, it's not, considering there are no robots there... Yeah, I'm really off my game today."

Perry peeked over the table, ruing his decision to duck and cover when there was, apparently, enough time to stop the machine. He considered going back if there was sufficient time left, but he saw with horror that it was four seconds from activating and five seconds away at Perry's fastest running speed. Hastily, he sat back down, pulling the edges of his fedora over his ears, gritting his teeth, and hoping that this, like the rest of Dr. D's plans, was not thought through enough to work.

"Aw, you know, you look so cute when you're losing," Doofenshmirtz observed, "I mean, look at you. You're like a little teal teddy bear."

Perry quit cowering and stared hatefully at the doctor as the -Inator fired.

* * *

Pandemonium, of sorts, quickly spread to the far reaches of the Tri-State Area. The Flynn-Fletcher backyard was no exception. Phineas's 'chain' was broken by now and the six kids (Candace had reluctantly agreed to tough it out in her swimsuit after misinterpreting Phineas's comment as a challenge) were at their leisure in the lazy river - that is, until everything went absolutely nuts.

Everyone had by now left their half-inflated tubes and Buford, Isabella, and Ferb had begun rapidly swimming with the current of the river. Phineas and Baljeet had came out of the water and were discussing how far they had each been able to calculate pi and apparently arguing over what the sixty-fourth digit was.

"It's a two, Baljeet."

"No! It is definitely a three!"

"It's a two!"

"No, a three!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

"Three!"

"Two - no, three!"

Meanwhile, a crazed Candace was snapping pictures of the lazy river to show her mother later, wailing the Ducky Momo Theme Song while doing so. In the middle of her victory dance, half-because she had proof and half-because of her condition, she took to tossing her precious camera in the air only for it to land in the water.

"Eat water, girlie!" Buford shouted, repeating the phrase every time he splashed Isabella. She quickly put an end to that by drowning him in tubes. Then, as if guided by instinct, she swam out of the river and over to Phineas, who still had not convinced Baljeet of the number.

"I'm telling you, man. It's two-!"

The boys' conversation was cut off suddenly by Isabella, who wrapped one arm around each of them, hugged them tightly, and insisted, "You guys are the best!" She then ran off, leaving Baljeet in a happy daze and Phineas utterly confused.

Ferb, no longer content with the speed at which the river was running, sped off to a control panel and steadily increased the flow. Buford, in a cocoon of tubes, was now spinning around in the water as if entering the landing on one of those water slides that drop suddenly and put you into what can only be compared to a toilet bowl. As the speed of the water rose, the surface tension became thinner and thinner until the whole thing burst.

"IsabellaIsabellaIsabella!" A voice cooed from the side of the yard. Gretchen, followed by the rest of the Fireside Girls, filed in through the gate. "This is perfect! Let's all get our Flood Recovery patch!"

"Okay!" Their leader agreed, and they all lined up. "Bananas!" Isabella commanded, and as if that was some established code word, the rest of the girls marched single-file out the gate to clean up the water.

Shoving off inflatable tubes, Buford recovered from the speed. "Aw, mystery vase," he mumbled, then threw his head back in laughter. Growing louder, he continued. "Stop reading my properties! Chill and stay cool! Ooh, space heater. Remember, don't share it with your horse! Or the number five. Looks aren't everything, though. Slurp this, I'm gonna beatbox to a made-up word! Totally twin captures! Date nuts and blackbird pie! Come down! Ga-nip ga-nop ga-nip! Other inside joke that only 'Jeet would understand!"

"It's two! For the last time, Baljeet, it's - wait a minute, why are we arguing about this?"

"...I do not know," the other mathematician realized. "May I have a piece of paper?"

Phineas retrieved one from the notepad Ferb used before and a pencil for his friend to complete the necessary calculations. It took a minute, but when Baljeet found his number you could see it in his face. "...I regret to say this, but you are correct. It is a two."

"In Baljeet's defense," Ferb started, approaching the boys, "The sixty-_fifth_ digit is a three."

* * *

"Well, I... I guess I should have made the sugar rush last more than five minutes," Dr. Doofenshmirtz mused. "You know what? Curse you, Perry the Platypus. I am really out of it today. You can just go home."

Perry eyed the machine, not trusting the doctor's motives. He took out his jet pack, strapped it on, and made sure his beaver tail hit the self-destruct button on the way out.

* * *

The convention over, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher pulled into the driveway of her house and met the children in the backyard. "Mom, you're home!" Phineas announced, "How'd your thing go?"

"Well, it went just fine without any frantic calls from Candace," she quipped. "Who wants some peanut butter?"

"We do!" Shouted Phineas, Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet, jogging inside.

Candace deadpanned. "Really?" She sarcastically remarked, "How many times is that going to be brought up?"

Linda turned to her and explained, "Please, Candace. By now, peanut butter is a running gag."

* * *

_During the end credits..._

Candace dropped back down on the couch, flipping on the television and saying, "Well, I guess I better see if they're showing Ducky Momo again."

A commercial immediately flickered on, featuring a trapezoidal prism-shaped mess of monotone, wrinkled clothes._ "Do you only have one laundry basket? Are you too lazy to get another one? Well, then the laundry block is for you! Just place your full basket upside down on this nifty tray, pull up, and there you have it. A neat pile of clean clothes ready to be put away! Laundry basket not included."_

Candace stared, confused, at what she had just seen. She clicked the television off, muttering in reference to this network's advertisements, "They're always worse than I remember."

* * *

**...Thanks so much for reading! Updates will be mostly random (and so will the schedule), and they will likely live up to the title of the collection... But hopefully they will be worth the wait. ^^ Just remember, Carpe Diem!**


	2. Quick to the Punch

**Waiting To Be Told. You know, 'cause I'm pretty sure the rest of the chorus is already taken (Except 'Dripping down your chin,' and I was not going to name it _that_).**

**Except this chapter. It did _not_ want to be written. I would have had it up on the first if it wasn't for that... Either way, I hope everyone had an awesome April Fools' (and sorry if you didn't)!**

* * *

From below, the maple tree in Phineas' and Ferb's backyard could be seen sporting a certain redheaded inventor in its branches. Ironically, his brother was nowhere in sight.

With a jolt, Phineas turned toward the camera and smiled brightly. "Hey, Isabella," he greeted, and the pink-clad girl giggled.

"Whatcha doin'?" She pondered, a bit confused, "...Up there, when Ferb's down here?"

"Take a closer look," Phineas instructed, and Isabella turned to the green-haired boy who sat unmoving at the tree's base. Her confusion only grew when she noticed his eyes were closed and he breathed in rhythmic silence. There was only one explanation: the boy was asleep.

"Yesterday's project must have really took it out of him," Phineas explained.

* * *

Ferb, in his brother's flashback, was shown running on a large hamster wheel-like contraption powering something ginormous and mechanical next to it. After a few seconds, he hopped off the wheel and met his friends in front of yesterday's project. "Alright, looks like we finally finished the world's largest, fastest treadmill!" Phineas had said, "Ferb, did you want to use it first?"

* * *

"In hindsight, maybe we could have had Buford go on it first. He was so eager," Phineas of the present realized.

"So, it's just us? I mean, I wouldn't want to wake him," Isabella asked.

"I guess so. Any ideas for what to do today?"

Isabella placed a hand to her chin and rolled her eyes in an act of thinking hard about something. "Well... What do you want to do?"

"I dunno." With this response, the two looked towards Ferb. Without him, it would be hard to pull off something completely impossible. That did not mean they were boredom-bound while he snoozed; they simply would have to find something different to do to Carpe this Diem.

Isabella grabbed onto some of the lower branches, hoisting herself up and into the plant. Phineas watched carefully as she maneuvered to the highest point.

From her perch near the top of the tree, Isabella could spot her good friends Buford and Baljeet approaching the house. With the intent to invite her crush higher, she swung her legs around the branch she was on and grabbed at a certain twig to keep her balance; in doing so, the twig clicked downwards and suddenly the branch lost all stability and gave way. Nothing underneath her, Isabella fell with a yelp to the lower section of the plant.

...Where none other than Phineas had taken residence. "I've got you!" He called, alert, moving as appropriate to catch her fall. She landed somewhat clumsily in his arms; the tree's strength kept them from collapsing to the ground.

Isabella made her way off Phineas's lap. "What was _that_ about?" She wondered aloud.

"Um, we kinda forgot to take that trick branch down last April Fool's," explained Phineas. "So, sorry 'bout that."

"Oh, it's no problem..." Isabella began, the tease in her voice not quite hitting its mark. "But hey, there's a little something on your shirt there." With this, she pointed to the invisible mark to which she was referring, and he looked straight down to try to see anything over his nose. Inevitably, Isabella's finger flew upwards to knock him in said nose. "Dude, that's, like, the oldest trick in the book. I didn't know you were so gullible!"

"Are you kidding? I'm just about the most gullible person on the planet," Phineas admitted.

"No, I have you beat there," Isabella insisted. "Try me."

He withdrew a small package from one of his cargo pockets, opened it, and offered her its contents. "Gum?"

"Ooh, sure!" Isabella accepted giddily, opening the wrapper and inserting the stick. Then, she grimaced, removing it from her mouth as quickly as she put it in. "Blah, what is this, Play Batter? Why would you have that on you?"

"For emergency pranks, of course," he stated as if it could be common knowledge. Then he gasped. "Aha! I know what we're gonna do today."

He carefully maneuvered down to the ground, and Isabella followed. "Hey, where's Perry?" She asked.

"I cannot say," a grinning Baljeet agreed, shrugging open the gate and entering stage right, Buford on his tail. "So, what is the verdict today?"

Phineas did not hesitate. "Prank war!" He announced, pumping both fists in the air. No one noticed Ferb's absence.

* * *

Ready to fight evil, an anthropomorphic platypus in a fedora stood in the hallway of the second floor of his owners' house. He waddled down to the end of the hall, where a large bookshelf was. Making sure he was not being watched, he retrieved a story titled _Perry's Lair_ from the bottom shelf. He began reading, becoming so engrossed in the book that he did not notice he had ended up in the place depicted in the title.

"Agent P, you made it," Major Monogram greeted, at which Perry jumped a bit and placed the book on his control panel. "We've received word that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been collecting absurd amounts of swiss cheese, old socks, and other things notorious for being full of holes. Just like this plotline."

Instantly, a familiar _ba-dum crash!_ was heard, and Monogram turned to face the source of the noise. "Carl," he scolded, "How clumsy are you that you can't go a day without walking into a drum set?"

"Sorry," came the off-screen reply.

Perry took the opportunity to exit via jetpack. "Why do we even _have_ a drum set here?" Monogram questioned. "Is that just a thing in this town, that obscure musical instruments appear out of nowhere for the convenience of an improvised song or a short-lived gag?"

* * *

"Alright, Candace, we're here," Linda began, exiting the station wagon. Giddily, her daughter left the passenger side of the car, dressed in a loose-fitting dark pink t-shirt and white sweatpants. "Remember, this is just to see if you like the class."

"Of course I'll like it!" Candace insisted, eyeing the sign on the door of the building. "I'm obviously gonna need some training if I'm gonna bust the boys."

"Whatever you say, Candace."

The two opened the door, taking in pieces of the dojo at a time. A tall, somewhat dark-skinned man in traditional martial arts garb approached, his black belt not at all hidden by the folds of his gi. "Oh, hey, there. You must be the new girl," the sensei greeted in a disarming tone. "How are we doing?"

Candace quirked an eyebrow ever so slightly upwards. Nervously, she responded, "Uh, I'm good."

"That's good. Come on in and we'll start warming up in a few minutes." As Candace was ushered into the main area, her instructor stole a chance to talk with Linda about having the teen train there.

"Woah, it's all gym-y in here," Candace observed, looking about the room. The floor, which only supported bare feet, was covered almost entirely by mats. As were parts of the walls, which were lined with punching bags of various sizes arranged in an unkempt fashion.

One member of the dojo, a girl with a light brown braid running to about her shoulder blades and sporting a bright green belt - Candace noticed a black stripe along the middle of it - spotted her. "Hey, look, a new person," she began. Upon further inspection, Candace figured that the stranger had to be about seventeen, maybe eighteen years old. "Um, you're supposed to bow in, you know."

Not knowing how to respond to this, Candace muttered a confused "Uh..." and bowed as she had thought appropriate.

The other teenager laughed, then extended a hand. "Candace," she began, and the redhead was taken aback by how her name was known. "What's yours?"

Realizing that the gesture was actually an introduction, the younger one took the hand and stammered, "Oh, that's... Well, uh..." From the corner of her eye, she spotted another person by the far wall. "Oh my gosh, life just made so much more sense. Vanessa, hey!"

The end of Vanessa's brown belt, along with the high ponytail in which her hair was tied, flung in a 360-degree spin as the teen preformed a flawless spinning hook kick on a nearby punching bag, shaking it violently. Upon hearing her name, she turned towards the sound of the voice. "Oh, hey, Candace," she greeted, approaching, "I see you've met... Candace."

"Yeah, looks like there are two of us," the Flynn observed. "And my parents thought they were being original!" Then again, she had never met another Phineas before. "Up top."

"Um, sure?" The other Candace complied, and the two shared a high-five.

"Okay, let's put everything away and line up," the sensei instructed, walking in and signalling the start of class. The students, who had known what to do from experience, lined up next to each other at the front of the room in rank order, which was determined by the belts everyone wore. Candace, having not been given a uniform or belt, just followed her friend to the front of the line.

"Sure, I'll just... Fit in next to you," she said to herself, referring to Vanessa.

The instructor motioned for her to move to her rightful place at the end of the line, and after a few seconds Candace realized what the instruction was and followed it.

"Alright, everybody, let's bow in," the instructor began in the same friendly tone that had caught Candace off-guard earlier. She had expected the stereotypical drill sergeant-esque martial arts master who would threaten you with a _shinai_ if you dared inhale too loudly, but this guy... Candace would almost prefer if he was the more serious type. At least she was prepared for that.

The class did as the teacher commanded, having done this at the start of every other session. Candace thought it silly to have to do so twice before the session began, but followed suit anyway.

"So, first things first, I want to introduce... Er..." The sensei hesitated, knowing that the reappearance of the green belt's name may cause confusion in the future. "..._Candace_ to the class. Candace, this is Albert, Connor, Michio, Candace, Coltrane, Kayla, and Vanessa." The list began with the two yellow belts, advancing along the line to a blue, an advanced green, a purple, and two browns, one of them being Vanessa, respectively. "I'm Sensei Fredrick. Let's all say hi to... Candace."

The rest of the students, some of which the redhead recognized, ad lib-ed various greetings. To her right, Candace's acquaintance Albert Du Bois wore an enthusiastic toothy grin, being sure to make his presence known. At this, Candace made a 'Why me?' face before returning her attention to the instructor.

"So," he began, "There are two Candaces here. You got a last name?"

"Flynn."

"Really? Me too. Small world," mused the sensei before getting back on topic. "Vanessa, you could start us off."

Unsure of what exactly Vanessa was starting, Candace snapped to attention as the students engaged in a series of sudden jumping jacks, counted in Japanese by the dark-haired teen.

"Ichi! Ni! San! Shi! Go!"

* * *

Spring-loaded traps were set. Airhorns were placed in strategic locations around the house and backyard. Accordion arms mingled with pies and boxing gloves alike to make for the best 'Summer Fools' Day' ever, as it had been dubbed.

Isabella reached down to itch her knee, the sun shining wherever she desired to go. Rays from said sun bounced delicately off a particular area of the concrete, and she practically pounced at its source: a silver American dollar. Seconds later, she was still trying to pry it off the ground. "Rats, I broke a fingernail," she complained bitterly, standing back up.

"_That_ was worth the dollar," Baljeet mused, satisfied, from the foliage of the bush he had chosen to hide in, pocketing a small tube of Psyko Glue. He backed up carefully, but not carefully enough; immediately, he felt the twang of a wooden stick smacking against his back. Baljeet turned around, realizing he had stepped on a gardening hoe that was not there before.

Phineas returned to the backyard with something no larger than a pen in hand. In his absence, someone had attached plastic wrap over the space where the sliding glass door would be; he was the unfortunate victim. "Hey, what-" With a defeated smile, he realized what had happened. "All right, you got me," he admitted, finally withdrawing the item in his hand. It was a simple red laser pointer.

Discreetly, the boy flashed the light on, and a solitary red dot formed. It darted across the yard, up one of Isabella's legs, and onto her torso. "Wh-What is this, a ladybug?" She asked, inspecting it.

She snapped to attention as she noticed Buford approaching. "_Oh, no!_" She hollered, but it was clearly too late. The bully, fascinated by the flickering orb, pounced on it and knocked Isabella completely over.

"Too easy," Phineas remarked, giving the camera a satisfied look.

* * *

Perry swiveled the handlebars on his jetpack as appropriate to land safely on the balcony of Doofenshmirtz's apartment-slash-evil lair. With a half-confused, half-expectant glance, he swept the area for one of two things: a trap or the musical group who was usually at the ready with a jingle whenever anyone passed the building. He put his jetpack aside.

"Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated."

There they were, the same three words that always invited him. However, it was a solitary voice that preformed it, and did so in a monotone, although chipper, voice.

"No, no, that isn't right!" Doofenshmirtz was heard calling from inside, coming out to greet his semiaquatic nemesis but focusing his attention instead on Norm, who stood behind the two. "It's called a 'jingle' for a reason, you have to _sing_ it."

"I am incapable of altering my voice in such a way," explained the robot, his unmoving face further demonstrating his point.

"Don't be ridiculous, Norm, I've heard you sing before," Doofenshmirtz complained, and his face not getting all that lighter, he turned to Perry. "Sorry about that, Perry the Platypus. There was some legal thing with the Slacks, and I had to give them a week off. Vanessa's been doing the jingle for awhile, but she's at her martial arts class right now so I had to get Norm to do it."

"Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated," the robot repeated, no differently than his attempt before.

"I told you, you aren't doing it right," Doof continued, "You can go inside and practice some more, don't bother us."

"Gladly, sir."

"Alright, now that that's out of the way..." Doofenshmirtz followed Norm off the balcony with only his eyes, not bothering to turn his head to the loudly retreating piece of machinery. "...For your trap."

From his lab coat, Doofenshmirtz withdrew a small remote; all it took for Perry to become temporarily inconvenienced by a barrage of doughnuts the size of flotation tubes, each perfectly iced and dotted with sprinkles, was the press of one of the remote's many minuscule buttons. "You see, Perry the Platypus, today's -Inator was inspired by my first real, paying job. I may have touched upon the subject of bratwurst vending, but that wasn't my fist culinary experience, oh, no."

Inevitably, as the backstory went on, the screen rippled into the sepiatone world of Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein a generation and a half ago. A teenaged Heinz was seen in the back kitchen of a small bakery, rolling out the bready dough fated to be baked into a pastry of some sort. "My job at Munchin' Muffins was going well for a while," Doof of the present narrated, "I was on doughnut duty, putting the holes in them and dressing them. I even got paid in doughnuts! Sure, even Drusselstinian desserts aren't all that great, but it was better than what I had known at the time.

"I would have been the greatest doughnut maker ever," Doofenshmirtz lamented, "...If not for my one weakness: jelly. None of my jelly doughnuts ever sold, and you know why, Perry the Platypus? Holes. I put holes in all my other doughnuts, so why not jelly?"

Back in the present, Perry deadpanned at this. It was hard to imagine at this point, but he still did not quite understand Doofenlogic.

"They fired me, Perry the Platypus. I had an entire career in pastries ahead of me, and they just had to take it from me because _they_ didn't know what a doughnut looks like! Granted, losing that job set me on the path towards evil - so that's a plus - but honestly, that's not the point!"

From offscreen, Doofenshmirtz withdrew an -Inator the size and shape of a water pistol. "That's why I made this, the Hole Punch-Inator! It does what it says; anything this baby hits will have a hole shot right through it. Today, I will make holes in all the jelly doughnuts in the entire Tri-State Area! Then they'll all see! Let me demonstrate on... This old lab coat I've had laying around."

Instantly, he did so, and the hanging garment featured a gaping hole in the back.

"Or maybe... This picture of Charlene that I keep forgetting to take down."

This, too, displayed the effects of the ray.

"Perry the Platypus's bill."

Instead of crying out in pain, as one might expect, Perry gave the camera a flat sideways glance, with all of him intact. He held out a piece of paper with the word 'Bill' at the top and a section of the center missing.

"Vanessa's birth certificate - wait, no!"

But it was too late. By the time he realized his mistake, Doofenshmirtz's finger had pulled too far back on the trigger and a purple beam was sent flying towards the letter. Thinking fast, Perry shrugged out of his trap, throwing one of the doughnuts like a Frisbee towards the light. The two collided, and the projectile fell, stagnant, to the floor. Doofenshmirtz noted that its hole was now completely filled in.

"So, when you hit a hole with the Hole Punch-Inator, it fills in?" The doctor thought it over. "Oh, I get it. It's just like when you subtract a negative number from something; you're putting a hole in a hole."

A second passed. "And, you're out of your trap, so... I should probably run."

* * *

"We're doing great," Candace's sensei informed the martial artists. "Now, everyone has their gear, right?"

The entirety of the class, barring the newcomer, gave some kind of affirmation. "Nice, let's get that on and do some sparring!"

As everyone else left, Candace turned to the instructor. Sensing her question before it was asked, he informed, "We can get you some later," then turned to set up a timer.

The teenagers reentered the dojo, this time with black rubber armor adorning their chests, heads, shins, feet, and hands. The sensei lined them up in pairs, with Coltrane facing Albert, Connor paired with Michio, and Candace's eponymous counterpart ready to do battle with Kayla. Candace did the math in her head, but was not quick to believe who she was doomed to spar.

"Since Vanessa's the highest rank here, we'll let her show Candace the ropes. How does that sound?" The instructor asked the two, but it was accepted that they had no real say in the matter. "Go easy on her, she doesn't have any gear," he whispered to Vanessa. She nodded firmly.

Following the lead of the rest of the class, Candace bowed in courtesy to her partner. Vanessa took a fighting stance, narrowing her eyes but not her grin. Nervous, Candace gulped loudly and followed suit.

A loud, five-note ring sounded, and pairs next to them started at each other. Vanessa moved in quickly, moving as if to strike but pulling back for the sake of her friend. Candace remembered the backfist-reverse punch combo she was taught earlier, and attempted to land that; Vanessa dodged it entirely. "Keep your hands up," the brunette reminded her, shrugging with her eyes at the situation. Cautiously, perhaps, Vanessa picked up her rear leg and thrust it into a front kick. Astonished, Candace backed out of the way, then finally scored a punch of some kind to Vanessa's chest guard.

Vanessa shook herself. The redhead was stronger than she looked, especially for someone who had not done this before. During her recovery, Candace jumped again at the opportunity and completed a palm-heel strike to Vanessa's shoulder.

Not allowing herself to be taken advantage of again, Vanessa moved in and this time showed off a regular side kick. Candace deflected it, but just barely.

Two minutes went by like this and were over sooner then Candace thought. Before she knew it, she had faced off against three others, and it was time to be dismissed.

They all lined up, bowed to the instructor, then bowed again to the dojo as they entered the waiting room where their shoes and equipment bags were stored. As Candace sat, putting her socks and shoes back on, she conversed with some of the others in the dojo.

"Hey, aren't you Jeremy's friend?" The question was directed at Coltrane.

"Yeah, I play bass with the Incidentals," he responded. "Of course, I've been doing this for much longer, so. Yeah."

"That's cool. What about you, Vanessa? Since when did you take martial arts?"

Vanessa shoved her headgear into a black bag. "Five years this summer," she informed with a unimpressed stare.

"Ooh!" Impeded Albert, "So have I!"

Candace was confused by this. Vanessa was five ranks above him, and they had been training for the same amount of time? She decided not to question it.

"It's definitely a commitment," the other brown belt added, removing her incredibly low ponytail. Her voice was quiet, but confident, and her hair was thicker than any Candace had seen - composed of all colors ranging from gold to dirty blonde to light brown. In the second or two her arms were raised, Candace counted ten multicolored rubber wristbands inch up her right wrist. "Coming back to the floor for an hour, two times a week for a few years. It can get really rough sometimes. The adrenaline, the second, third winds - and I've lost count of how many times Nessa's knocked the wind outta me. They break you down here, but gosh!" Her laugh, which slightly reminded Candace of Isabella's, rung louder than her spoken word. Strips of her long, reapplied ponytail laid in front of both shoulders like a scarf, accenting small sky blue eyes. "It's so worth it!"

The rest of the teens cried in agreement, some pumping fists or folded-up belts into the air. Candace glanced worriedly about the room. "Wait, this is twice a week? Sparring, combos, self-defense techniques, kata, the whole deal?"

"Yeah, usually," a black-haired boy of Indian descent replied. His head was round and his thin brown eyes glinted in the shafts of sun that made their way through the paper covering the windows. He rolled up his blue belt without another word.

"But-But that leaves, like, no time to bust my brothers!" Candace realized, "I took today off, but that's the most I can handle - it was for a good cause." She leaned back, rolling her eyes. She whispered, "Guess this isn't happening after all."

"Shame," the blonde said, but other than that, no objection was given. The speaker stood up and clasped a thin gold chain with an engraved heart shape around her pale neck.

One by one, students left the building. "Hey, does your necklace say 'worm' in all caps?" Vanessa inquired the nameless purple belt.

"Meh," she shrugged, "Close enough."

* * *

True to his word, Doofenshmirtz turned tail and ran, his lab coat fluttering after him. Perry sprinted along close behind, chasing the rampant evil doctor out of his apartment. "Hah, can't get me now," he claimed, shooting beams through to his neighbors' rooms. Perry cringed at this; only he wielded the right to break holes in others' walls, and only did so when trying to make a dramatic entrance.

Heinz stepped into a conveniently open elevator, jabbing the button to close the sliding doors; however, he was too late and Perry slid in to follow him just before the elevator initiated its descent. There was a pause as both man and monotreme realized that they could not continue the chase before letting off at the bottom. Doofenshmirtz checked his watch.

Then he sighed. "Eheh, sixty-four more floors to go, Perry the Platypus..."

* * *

Buford perched precariously in the tree that held his friends mere moments ago. Filled to the brim with water balloons was a shiny metal bucket beside him; he watched carefully for people passing by that could be doused. From behind, a certain pink bow could be seen momentarily before its owner popped up and shouted, "Boo!"

Startled, Buford lost his hold on the branch and began to fall. Acting quickly, Isabella produced and activated the personal anti-gravity remote that Ferb designed for her and hurled it towards the descending bully. Upon contact, the Earth's gravitational influence ceased to affect Buford leaving him suspended multiple feet in the air.

"What's goin' on?" He asked, confused, "Gravity fell!"

"It does that," Isabella chirped, finding his bucket and claiming it as her own. She lobbed a water balloon at a passing Baljeet. "Oh, and that anti-gravity device is locked. Enjoy floating around like a woodland pixie."

Buford considered this. "...Fine," he admitted, secretly doing exactly what she instructed.

Frustrated at being soaked, Baljeet took immediate advantage of the situation. "I predict I am going to regret doing this," he stated, advancing towards his friend. A mischievous glimmer not usually found in Baljeet's eyes could be seen as the boy oh-so-carefully removed Buford's right shoe and began tracing his fingers back and forth across the exposed foot.

"N-No!" Buford yelled in sheer panic, "Don't-Don't you da-are - st-stop it - you're playin' with fire, man - hoohahahahaha!"

Thankfully for him, Buford's ticklish torture ended rapidly as the odor from his shoe drastically weakened Baljeet, causing him to collapse comically onto the grass. Isabella tried to be dignified as she plugged her nose to avoid a similar fate, and Phineas narrowed his eyes to her.

"Hey, looks like it's just you and me, now," he dared.

Isabella shot back: "Bring it!"

"You get a Stella hoagie," Baljeet mumbled beside them, still in a daze.

* * *

_Ding!_

The elevator doors finally opened, and Doofenshmirtz leapt out of the small room. "Luckily," he started, "There's a bakery right across the diner right next to my building. Say goodbye, ridiculous filled-in doughnuts!"

The man burst across the street and into the store, -Inator poised and ready to attack. Perry was about to destroy it when he realized something crucial: he was in public now. His identity was at stake.

Instinctively, he flipped off his fedora and reverted to pet mode, watching in horror as Doofenshmirtz blasted a tray of jelly doughnuts with the Hole-Punch-Inator. The man packaging them for delivery did not notice.

"Whoo, that felt good," Doof commented, "Perry the Platypus, why don't you - hey, where'd you go? And how did this regular platypus get here?"

Perry would have rolled his eyes if they were not crossed, so he opted instead to chatter. There was no stopping the worker from leaving, but somehow, he would figure out how to stop Doof's plot. Havoc could be wreaked if he decided to use the machine on other things.

It was then that he noticed exactly who else was in the bakery. Two separate parties occupied the tables, both of which he was comfortable being Agent P around. He stood back up and put his fedora back atop his head.

"_A-gent P!_" Called one of the groups, his designated backup singers, each enjoying a certain pastry. He smiled lightly to them before turning back to his nemesis.

"Hey, what did you do with that other platypus?" Doof inquired, confused. "Ah, it doesn't matter. I'm already here; you can't stop me now!"

Just to prove him wrong, Perry leapt at the handheld -Inator. He missed, but landed on Doofenshmirtz's face and pulled at his nose. Distracted, the man dropped his ray; Perry took the chance to jump back down onto it and render it incapable of firing again. "Oh, come on, you aren't even going to let me win this one?" He complained.

The platypus just gave a small smile in victory before turning out the door. "_Pe-erry!_" His background singers exclaimed in excitement. He winked in their general direction, then took off. One of them swooned so much she fell face-first into her apple fritter.

Someone behind Doofenshmirtz cleared their throat. "Can I help you, sir?" The woman at the counter asked.

Doof turned red. "U-Um, no, you know, I'm actually just gonna-"

"Here," the lady interrupted. "We're sampling our jelly doughnuts today; would you like to try one?"

Doofenshmirtz grumbled. "Hey, guys, look who it is!" A member of the other group chimed, and Heinz turned around to see none other than the Slacks enjoying their time off.

All together, as if they had planned this, they chimed: "_Doofenshmirtz making a fool of himself!_"

Embarrassed enough as it was, Doof raced to the door of the shop. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" He bellowed out into the street, hoping his nemesis would hear. Nervously, he tucked his head back inside to the group working for the monotreme. "No offence or anything," he called.

"Hmph," a particularly annoyed-looking member mumbled.

* * *

It was down to two. They stood to each other, feet shoulder width apart, legs bent, arms hovering above their sides. Eyes were narrowed to sense who was going to make the next move. One could almost be sure there was a tumbleweed rolling in the background. A faint "My watermelon!" could be heard in the distance.

"Your move, Flynn," Isabella challenged.

"Oh, yeah?" Phineas's eyes laughed at this. A honking could be heard coming from the driveway. "Hey, they're here," he observed, turning and running to the sound.

Shortly afterwards, Phineas returned with a thin cardboard box in his hands. "Thanks again, Paul," he called with a grin. He moved toward Isabella again, holding out the box. To the girl's surprise, he turned the front of it to her and kneeled down, asking slowly, "Isabella, would you..."

He opened the box, which suddenly became small, black, and velvet. Inside was a beautiful diamond ring adorned with tiny pink glass flowers. "...Marry me?" He finished, suddenly dressed in a dashing tux, his hair neatly combed to one side.

Isabella's heart nearly stopped.

"...Hello..? Isabeeellaaa..."

The girl's eyes and ears began functioning properly again, and she recoiled. No, he was not proposing. The cardboard box was filled with a dozen rounded treats.

"I asked if you would like a doughnut."

She inspected the pastries; they were each coated heavily in sugar and the aroma was pleasing. She could not help but to be suspicious, however. Would pulling one out activate a trap door beneath her? Well, it was possible.

"They're jelly," he went on, "Your favorite."

"These aren't jelly," she observed, confused. Phineas looked in the box.

"Hey, these have all sorts of holes in them," he complained. "I-I ordered them specifically to be filled with mayo. What happened?"

Isabella put a hand on his shoulder. "Never trust a muffin place to give you doughnuts," she informed.

"So... I guess the joke's on me, huh?"

"It's alright with me if you want to consider this a tie."

"Guys," a raspy voice from above reminded them of his presence. "I'm still... Floatin' around..."

"Oh, sorry about that, Bufe," Phineas chirped. Isabella reached up and scaled her friend, unclipping the device from his shirt. She then unlocked the remote and they both fell to the ground. She giggled again and even earned a light guffaw from the burly boy.

"Truce?" Phineas offered.

"Truce," his friends agreed.

"My favorite part was the trick branch," Ferb commented.

"Hey - you were conscious the entire time?" Inquired Baljeet, impressed.

Ferb, whom no one saw join them until his line, shrugged. "Summer Fools'."

With that, a different horn blared through to the yard. One door opened, then another. Candace appeared just outside the gate, trudging.

"Hey, Candace, how was Goju?" Phineas asked in welcome.

"Huh?" She mumbled, clearly exhausted.

"Chinese Goju. Isn't that the kind of martial arts you were learning?"

Candace shrugged.

"So how was it?"

"Water," she replied.

A beat passed.

"How about you? My busting senses have been going off the hook."

"We were just cleaning up," Phineas explained. "Come on, let's getcha that water!"

As Phineas led Candace inside, a teal monotreme made its way into the backyard. "Oh, there you are, Perry," the teen panted, "At least you don't have to do all that martial arts stuff."

* * *

_During the credits..._

In her home across the street, Isabella felt the handle on the door to her room, spotting a tag hanging from it. "What's this?" She wondered aloud, removing the note and reading it.

_-Ferb_

She furrowed her brow and cautiously poked her head in. Her eyes bulged as she took in the one new detail added to her room, particularly to the ceiling.

One word was scrawled across it in purple spray paint: _Gullible_.

"Ohoh, Fletcher, you're dead!" She vowed, the annoyance in her voice mixed in with some tease. At her feet stood a bucket of the paint of her ceiling's normal color.

"Summer Fools'," she mused, "Never again."

* * *

**Dude this came out longer than I expected. It's nearly 6,000 words. I'm beginning to sense a pattern here: writers' block=long chapter.**

***Disclaimer: I'm sure it's just fine to trust a muffin place with your doughnuts. If they do that, that is.**

****Disclaimer 2: I take Chinese Goju and actually quite enjoy it. However, I will not be held liable for misrepresentation of the art here.**

**Carpe Diem, folks! (*goes to walk out of the room, completely forgetting about the cup of water above the door and getting wet*)**

**...Just enough to make an impact. Typical.**


	3. Corn This Way

**Alright, I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not about to spontaneously burst into Summer Belongs to You (although I kind of want to). See, there are three reasons I'm updating today. One, it's the summer solstice, so to all my buds in the northern hemisphere, happy summer! And if you live south of the equator, well, it's only six short months away. Two, it's also Fathers' Day, so (even though I already did, just, really early) I want to give the dads of the show some love. Three, because of the - recent events - concerning the show, I want to use this chapter to say, I am not leaving! As they say, the show must go on, so I'll be sticking around here on FanFiction. And one last thing: chronologically, this one is supposed to take place the day after "The Magnificent Few," so keep that in mind. Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

"...So then Ferb took the rosin from his pocket-sized cello, got a wrench out, and just went to town. It was like it never even happened - my brother truly is a miracle worker!"

The family of five was a tight fit in the red station wagon, but everyone managed. Phineas, at the conclusion of his story, gave Perry a small pat on the head. The platypus was stationed comfortably on Ferb's lap, enjoying the clamor of human speech as the car rolled along the increasingly bumpy dirt road.

"Well, that sure was an interesting recap of the time Candace got her face caught in the kitchen sink," mused Linda, who turned to her left just in time to see her daughter cross her arms and look out the window at the notably less-than-urban scenery. The woman smiled to herself at her children's imagination.

"Hoo, would you look at that," Lawrence called from the driver's seat, pointing to a boxy truck in front of them. "That's an old-school Joop Strangler, just like they used in the Second World War."

"Um, Dad, I think that's been ahead of us this whole time," explained Candace, confused. "And it looks just like the newer model from that one commercial that keeps. On. Coming. On. Every. Commercial break!"

There was an awkward pause. "Well, they sure haven't changed much, now have they?" Lawrence asked to break the silence. Candace went back to rolling her eyes, and Phineas considered how to use this transpiration as inspiration.

"Hm... Where do you think they come up with those names?" He inquired, trying to make conversation.

Candace snapped around to face her brother in the middle seat. "Dude, don't ask questions like that!" Warned the teen, "Do you _want_ a history lesson?"

Phineas showed no sign of recoil. "Sure, I mean, it's always good to know what happened in humanity's past."

"They say 'those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it'," Ferb added.

"Precisely, son!" Lawrence praised with brio, "If, for example, the Spaniards hadn't pulled away from the Battle of Hakisak in 1423..."

The rest of her father's explanation became a blur as Candace leaned her head against the car window, zoning out from his speech entirely.

"Wait, the battle of what?" Phineas stopped him, confused. "That doesn't sound like a real event in history."

Linda chuckled. "I'm a history teacher, and I can verify that that did indeed happen."

Not noticing her elbow was resting on the button to pull her window down, the weight of Candace's head then fell out into the musky, open air. Luckily for her, the car pulled to a stop at this point. Unlucky for her was the destination.

She gripped the edge of the open window with both hands and pulled herself up, but her long neck made it so that she was poking out of the car the way a dog would. She cringed as a foul bout of grass-tinted breath entered her nostrils from a very close source.

Candace looked to the animal in front of her flatly. "...Aaand there's a cow in my face," she observed, sarcastically enthusiastic. "Lovely."

* * *

Hours had passed, and nighttime had fallen. The Flynn-Fletcher's - most of them, that is - had enjoyed many a festivity in the second day Clem's Carnival was in town. Dusk settled down onto the shoulders of the five-person-one-platypus family. Phineas and Ferb sat side by side at a wooden table, munching noisily on a pair of candy apples and sporting a couple of souvenir sun visors. Candace positioned herself across from them, cell phone on the table and head in the cell phone. Their parents were elsewhere.

"Gee, I can't believe how good these are!" Phineas offered, referring to the fruity treats. Ferb closed his eyes to add emphasis to his agreeing nod.

The younger redhead craned his neck to spy for Linda and Lawrence. "Think Mom and Dad will find something soon? I mean, it's already been a great day, but since we're staying, we might as well Carpe Noctam too, right?"

Candace mumbled something unintelligible, refusing to look up. She shot Stacy a quick _'What are you up to?'_ in an attempt to retain sanity in perhaps the only square foot in the park that received a wi-fi signal.

A moment later brought the answer: _Dating a chicken sandwich_

"Um..." Candace furrowed her brow in thought. Surely she had read that incorrectly.

Her phone buzzed again, and the correction made itself apparent.

_EATING! Eating a chicken sandwich. I gate autocorrect do munch T.T_

Candace's hand flew to cover her mouth, eyes watering in laughter that had yet to come bursting out. It did not help when Stacy's only attempt to redeem herself was a simple ellipsis.

_lol, won't tell Coltrane_, she joked in response. She looked up only when the sound of her mother's voice made its way to her ears.

"Let's go, kids," Linda started, "There's something you're going to want to see."

Phineas grinned and quietly followed his parents, Ferb and a very bored-looking Candace trailing close behind.

"Right this way," directed Lawrence. Ahead, there could be seen a small gathering of people in front of a cluster of vertically-growing foliage. The boys' attention was now held by a sign above the crowd, which read plainly, 'Corn Maze'.

"Ferb," Phineas started, inspiration aglow in his eyes, "I know what we're going to do tonight!"

He then realized the lack of a certain semiaquatic mammal in their general vicinity, wondering aloud: "Hey, where's Perry?"

"Northwestern South America," Linda explained. "Between Ecuador and Bolivia."

Candace scoffed. "Perry, not Peru," she corrected. "History nuts."

* * *

Perry found a very dense patch of corn in the maze once he received the signature double-beep of his wristwatch device that signaled an incoming message from OWCA. He turned it on and awaited his mission.

"Good evening, Agent P," Monogram started. "We see you've already made it to the corn field, so good thinking as always." Perry chattered. "Now, we need you to go investigate a machine Doofenshmirtz created out there in the field. He has been recently receiving tutoring lessons in advanced algebra and multi-object juggling. How these things are connected, we're completely in the dark. Go find out what his plan is, and put a stop to it."

Perry saluted, but forgot momentarily which arm was the right one to make the gesture. Monogram's picture, attached to Perry's wrist, flew above his head as his arm did. Embarrassed, Perry lowered his arm and saluted again with the arm not occupied with holding the watch.

* * *

Phineas grasped the flashlight, slid it happily through one of the belt loops on his shorts, and adjusted his visor. Ferb did the same. They faced the wall of corn with expressions showing a mixture of determination and excitement.

"Alright, let's do this," the more talkative of the two suggested. "Does anyone here have a map?"

"Are you kidding?" Candace asked, "That would make it way too easy. Aren't these things supposed to be for little kids?"

Lawrence replied simply. "Hardly. At least, not one of this nature."

"Your father's right," continued Linda, "This place always has the best corn mazes, and they get harder every year. Come on, you should enjoy yourself for a change. Lay off on the busting for one night, okay?"

Candace didn't hear the last sentence, as she was caught up on one word her mother had said. "For a _change_, huh?" She wondered aloud. Ferb's advice from before rung in her ears. _"Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it."_

"That's it! I never bust the boys using the same old methods as always, so I'll just have to find a new, completely different way to do it!" She tapped Phineas excitedly on the shoulder. "Listen, I want you to do something totally amazing tonight so I can show Mom. This time, things will go differently. Oh, so differently."

Phineas turned to his brother. "You heard the lady," he joked. He stepped into the field, the rest of his family following close behind. "Everyone, into the corn."

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz in the middle of nowhere!_

The evil scientist to which the jingle referred corrected the wiring on his latest invention. He put his hands on his hips and contentedly gazed at the completed -Inator. Suddenly, he looked down to the space just under his nose. "Hey, why can I see my breath?" He wondered, "I know it's nighttime, but it's summer and it isn't even that cold."

Perry pushed through the stalks towards the inexplicable light source. The last few parted and he peered at the scene. He approached cautiously, but not enough to prevent Doofenshmirtz from spotting him.

"Perry the Platypus," he started, grabbing a large red- and white-striped bucket filled with small yellow pieces of something. "Here, let me trap you!"

Perry realized that the items contained by the bucket were in fact kernels of popcorn when Doofenshmirtz expertly flipped it upside down onto his head. Hearing was difficult under the cardboard container (and seeing was impossible), but he was able to make out the doctor's explanation of trap choice.

"Popcorn!" Doof exclaimed, "You know, because we're in a corn maze? Yeah, you're right. That was pretty-" He grinned widely in pause for the punch line. "-Corny!"

Had Perry been able to properly, he would have rolled his eyes quite hard.

"Ah, popcorn. Reminds me of when Vanessa got her braces off, for some reason. We went straight from the orthodontist's to the nearest movie theater, and I got her this big ol' tub of popcorn and stuffed her face with it. Literally. I taught her a valuable lesson that day, Perry the Platypus: Never bite a hand made of pure titanium."

Perry stood there idly, incapable of a response.

Doofenshmirtz sensed this after a while. "Oh, right. You can't see anything. Hold on just a moment."

He grabbed the bucket with Perry in it with two hands and turned it upside down so that Perry's feet and tail were in the air. He then removed the platypus from the bucket, turned him right-side up, and shoved him back into the trap again.

"There you go," Doof said. As he turned around, Perry started to wiggle his arms free. "Now, you may very well be wondering what I'm doing out here in the middle of the corn field. Well, after the issue with the Absolute Value-Inator - you remember_ that _mess, right, Perry the Platypus? - I began to notice my mathematical skills were actually fading! Can you believe it?

"So I did what every self-respecting evil scientist would do. I signed up for some extra math help, and while I was there I realized something terrible: apparently, there's a law against dividing any number by zero."

Doofenshmirtz paused to catch his breath, eyeing his semiaquatic nemesis. He plucked some pieces of popcorn from the trap, unaware that Perry had been doing the same the whole time he was talking, and popped them into his mouth. "It's ridiculous, I tell you. Like, these are just numbers, and they have the nerve to tell me what I can and cannot do to them? I'm sick of things bossing me around, Perry the Platypus. Sick of it!"

He turned to face the as-of-yet unidentified -Inator and shooed some stray crows off of it. "And if I want to take over the Tri-State Area - and I do - I just can't have that. So, I made this machine that will divide whatever it hits by everyone's favorite non-positive, non-negative numeral: zero! Behold, the Denom-Inator! Yeah, that's definitely one of my better names."

Perry looked flatly at the doctor. "Ah, yes. You want to know why I'm out here. Well, see, I want to use it on a large amount of objects at a time - to go with the whole 'I'm not afraid of numbers' theme - and I got to thinking. I could use it on all the books in the library, or the stars in the sky. But then I remembered the carnival was in town, and I knew what I had to do. This is a public event held at night, the best time for evildoing, and the corn provides the perfect cover for when I was working on the -Inator. So when I divide each and every stalk of corn in the field by zero, everyone here will see that I will no longer be bossed around by numbers! Havoc will be wreaked tonight!"

To the side, Perry and Doofenshmirtz could hear a twig being stepped on; they turned to the culprit. Balthazar Horowitz looked between them in simultaneous surprise and confusion. Then, he calmly turned back around and called to the rest of his family: "Guys, I don't think this is the right path."

* * *

The Flynn-Fletcher's had been separated into two groups, as it was against the official rules of the corn maze for more than three people to be on a team.

"You have to go with them!" Candace had enthusiastically suggested to her mother, referring to Phineas and Ferb. "Keeping Mom near the boys and myself away from them. That's a new one."

Linda did not object, allowing the teen to spend some more time with her stepfather. She and the younger children were given a head start into the maze, letting Candace and Lawrence linger behind.

Phineas and Ferb peered over their map of the maze, trying to determine their location while walking. "The first checkpoint should be by the bottom-left part, here," Phineas noticed, "If we make this turn, it looks like a clear path to that area's flag - but that's Scarecrow Alley, and they told us to stay away from that unless we had pitchforks on hand."

"What if we keep going straight and then turn left?" Linda suggested. "Then we could bypass the scarecrows and get the flag from behind, right here." She pointed to the map. "We'd have to go through the swampy marsh, but luckily we have the bog shoes we found on the third turn."

"Sounds like a plan," Phineas agreed, rolling up the map. A firefly flitted past the three as they started on their path, its light momentarily lighting the ground in a peculiar way. "Hey, is that ultraviolet?" The boy wondered, recognizing the quality of light that the bug emitted.

"Sure is," explained their mother. "There used to be a peanut butter factory somewhere around here, and it's been having its effect on the surrounding environment."

"I see that." Then Phineas noticed that the shape illuminated on the ground resembled a footprint. "Ferb," he whispered, "Look."

Ferb followed the instructions of his brother, who went on: "That gives me an idea."

* * *

"Alright, they've had enough time. Let's get a move on," Candace commanded, pulling her father from his inspection of a purple ear of corn that was put on display near the front of the maze. "If all's going right, they probably have already made some big contraption to find their way better." She scanned the top of the walls, then caught herself. "No! I can't look at it. If I don't see it, maybe Mom will."

Lawrence tried to keep up with his daughter's logic, but could not seem to understand the problem. "Well, in that case, we ought to take a look at that map, no?"

Candace opened it up. "I still can't believe they're letting us use one," she remarked, an opinion that changed immediately as she pulled it open. She made a sound similar to one a snowman would make when his igloo was taken away after forgetting to pay mortgage. "It-It's so big," she spluttered.

"No time to waste then," Lawrence agreed, and they headed out as well.

A few minutes later the two could be seen already in the heart of the maze. Lawrence was given the map, but did not realize he had been holding it upside-down the entire time, causing them to become extremely lost.

The maze itself had a circular perimeter, and at the center was another, smaller circular pathway cut out. This path protruded in two directions out from the central circle to form a horizontal line running down the middle of the maze; the rest was filled with corn cut into hundreds, possibly thousands of smaller paths filled with checkpoints teams needed to find before they were allowed to say they'd conquered it.

"Ugh, where are they?" Candace complained, looking about for an invention and straining her ears to hear the sound of tinkering she had grown accustomed to in her backyard. "Nope, I've got to snap out of it. If I'm going to bust the boys, I'm going to need to break some old habits and start thinking differently!"

"What is all this?" Lawrence inquired, confused.

Candace thought an explanation would be best delivered in song form.

_Since school let out, they never gave me a break_  
_Building things every day, but their one mistake_  
_Was never to consider how their daily antics hinder_  
_A certain red-haired sister, and it gives me a headache!_

_'Cause Mom never sees it, she just turns a blind eye_  
_And she never believes it, always thinks it's a lie_  
_Over and over, again do I try_  
_So I'll do something different, and I'll get them this time!_

_I could avoid doing anything; what good would that do?  
But it's not the same pattern, it's something so new  
I could spring a trap and watch as they fall to the ground  
I could make sure that our mom is always around_

_What if I took a picture, and sent it to her phone?  
If I wanted I could even use a very hard stone  
I can ask them to make it when she's in the room  
But any way, I'll bust them both from here to Khartoum!_

_This time Mom'll see it, she won't turn a blind eye  
And this time she'll believe it, not just think it's a lie  
Over and over, it's the last time I'll try  
'Cause I'm doing something different, and I'll get them tonight!_

"Bravo, encore!" Lawrence praised, clapping cheerfully. "Still can't say I know what the problem is, but good show either way."

Candace's face fell. "Oh, forget it," she said, "Let's just find our way out of here."

* * *

"And there we go. Let's turn these on." Phineas flipped up a switch on his sun visor with Ferb shortly following suit. Seeing through either of their eyes, one would be able to see the narrow path of the corn maze, but in a different color pallet. A series of footsteps could also be seen leading away from the group.

"Woah, they work!" Phineas celebrated. He turned to his brother. "Firefly power. Who knew, right?"

"Yes, the UV bugs are pretty rare," Linda agreed, not turning around completely to see Phineas' and Ferb's modified visors. "So, which way do you think we should go? Left, or right?"

Phineas looked down both ways. The left was clear, but the otherwise invisible footprints he saw followed the one on the right. "This way," he decided, pulling Linda along the correct path - but not before contentedly fist-bumping Ferb.

* * *

"You know, I have a feeling about this scheme. A good one! It's a good feeling - er, no. An evil feeling, see, that's what I meant to say."

This was Doofenshmirtz's daily contradiction, spoken as he played with the aim of the -Inator. Mere moments before Doofenshmirtz brought his hand down on the 'on' button, Perry had either discarded or eaten enough popcorn to free himself from the trap. He flung himself toward his nemesis, tackling him to the ground, but Doof's hand was still able to make contact with the button.

"Perry the Platypus, you freed yourself!" Doofenshmirtz announced. "Now, how did I forget popcorn was edible? It's not like cheese, which I keep forgetting I can't have because of my lactose intolerance..."

As Doofenshmirtz rambled on, the -Inator's tip emitted hundreds of speghetti-thin rays of dark purple light. From the ground, the two watched through the nighttime blackness as a miniature, elliptical, shadowy ring formed above each affected corn stalk. Then, each of the circles of darkness moved towards the air above Perry and Doofenshmirtz, collecting and combining at the -Inator's zenith. They formed a moderately sized blob of matter - or, as Perry soon discerned, lack of such - that grew with each orb added to it.

"So, _this_ is why you can't divide anything by zero," Doof realized. "You get a black hole."

* * *

Phineas stopped in his tracks and pulled up his visor. "What's going on over there?" He wondered in slight alarm at the spherical abscence of light found not far from their place in the maze. "As far as where the end is, it looks like someone's totally in the dark."

Linda and Ferb looked at him flatly. "Yeah, that was bad," he admitted.

"A little corny, yes," Ferb agreed.

* * *

"They_ did _build something! I knew they would," Candace exclaimed, pointing above the stalks to the result of Doofenshmirtz's creation and subsequent blunder of using it.

"Would you look at that," Lawrence observed, not prying his eyes from the map, "We've been holding this wrong the whole time!" He pivoted the piece of paper sideways. "_This_ is how it's supposed to be held."

* * *

"Okay, we have to do something about this," Doof observed. "See, it's times like these that I'm glad I give everything a self-destruct button."

He stood up cautiously, and reached for the one on the machine. Unfortunately, by that time the black hole had become powerful enough to pick up the -Inator and send it wherever black holes send things.

"Oh. Well... I think this is the part where we run."

In no way did Perry need to be told twice. He and Doof took off, running in a straight path behind occasional walls of corn, while the secret agent thought up a plan. In the periods of time the two were hidden behind corn, they changed positions so that when they were visible to the camera they were doing different things. First they could be seen running as normal, but then they began running backwards, doing cartwheels, playing leapfrog and hopscotch, and other unlikely actions; Doof gave Perry a piggyback ride, Perry gave Doof a piggyback ride, Doof started juggling plucked ears of corn and Perry, and once, they traded lab coat for fedora. By the next time they ran into view, they returned to normal flight.

"It's getting stronger, Perry the Platypus! I don't think we're gonna make it!" Doofenshmirtz cried in drama, "Tell Charlene I only mildly dislike her!"

* * *

Across the field, Phineas and Ferb noticed the strange quality of the surrounding air. "Guys, it's getting really windy," Phineas noticed, "Let's see if we can get to a safe place before-" He was interrupted by the removal of the visor from his head. A look to Ferb confirmed his brother lost his as well. "Let's get down before we lose anything else."

"We'll get you some new ones," Linda responded, in reference to the boys' lost souvenirs, and she crouched down with her sons to ride out whatever was transpiring.

* * *

"If there's anything your little agency taught you about any of this, now would be a good time to use it," panicked Doof.

At that moment, logic kicked in and Perry knew what to take out of the void located behind his back used for storage. He produced a handheld contraption with a friendly-looking 'X' on the side. "Oh, that's a multiplication ray," Doof realized, "That's right; if we multiply all this corn by zero, we should have normalcy! Now, where are we going to find something equal to zero?"

Perry immediately turned around boldly and took aim at Doofenshmirtz. Once he fired, he set the equipment's coordinates for every stalk of corn in the appropriate radius from where the -Inator stood, and pressed the trigger.

Doofenshmirtz stopped suddenly, feeling himself multiplying the corn stalks. "Oh, very funny," he commented, "I'm a zero, so you can just go ahead and do that. Maybe when we're finished you can have a word with physics; none of this makes any sense!"

After this remark, everything returned to a standstill. Although it was night, things became noticeably brighter. Doofenshmirtz turned to Perry.

"Well, technically you saved our lives, so, thank you, Perry the Platypus. But at the same time you also made a pretty sizable blow to my dignity and destroyed my -Inator, so, curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

Finished, Perry tipped his hat to the evil scientist and walked away. He had a family to find.

* * *

"It looks like it stopped," Linda observed. "You know what that means."

"Yeah," Phineas agreed, "Let's get out of here. Just, without our visors, I don't exactly know how."

Failing to make any connection between the loss of the boys' souvenirs and exiting the maze, Linda suggested a simple answer: "Very carefully."

A few minutes later, Phineas, Ferb, and their mother clambered through the last opening in the corn stalks. "Daylight!" Phineas exclaimed, smiling, then realized, "Well, technically nightlight, even though no one has a nightlight on."

Another firefly flew past, brightening the space in front of the boy's nose. "Well, except this guy," he corrected.

The three turned to the people in charge of making sure people had completed the maze. They turned in the flags they took from each checkpoint and discovered an animal resting at the end. "Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas declared, picking his pet up.

"You know, maíz is the word used for corn in Spanish," was Ferb's method of enlightening everyone tonight.

"So a maíz maze is pretty appropriate," Linda agreed.

At that moment, the two turned to see Candace and Lawrence coming into the clearing. "We made it!" The former cried in celebration, "Victory is ours!"

She turned enthusiastically to her mother. "So did you see what Phineas and Ferb made? You had to have seen it, it was huge!"

"We saw something," Linda explained. "But it couldn't have been the boys' fault. Was it?"

"We... Don't think so," Phineas responded, and Candace's figure drooped.

"Fine," she mumbled. "I'm really starting to think this new busting method is not very effective."

"Whatever you say," humored Linda. She directed her gaze to her husband. "How was it?"

"Candace and I had a splendid time," Lawrence insisted, "Isn't that right?"

The teen looked into her father's amused face. "I guess, yeah," she admitted, "Thanks, Dad."

"Now, it's getting late," Linda said, "We should start to get back."

As the six started back to the car, Phineas couldn't help but to wonder, "Why would there be a set of footprints visible only by ultraviolet that shows exactly the right path through the maze?"

Only if one looked closely could they notice the puzzlement on Ferb's face.

* * *

**I feel like there should be more episodes that take place at night. Hence, this. Also, I need to make some disclaimers again...**

**Disclaimer #1: The Battle of Hakisak is a completely made-up thing, so don't try to use it as a research paper topic. This is also the case for the Joop Strangler, a reference to the Jeep Wrangler, a kind of truck over which I hold no possession.**

**Disclaimer #2: The quote, "Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it," was said by George Santayana, according to the internet. If you'd like to, you can use that as a research paper topic.**

**Disclaimer #3: I know there has already been a black hole in the show, but I assure you, I had that planned _way_ before Lost in Danville came out.**

**So, that's all, folks! Carpe to the Diem!**


	4. The Big House

**Whew! It's only been two months! Actually, that's starting to become a theme with this collection...**

**Anyhow, chronology lesson! In honor of the wonderful month of September and the return to school, this one in particular will involve the return of the school year a bit more than the others. It's set a week and a half _before_ the episodes "Last Day of Summer" and "Doof 101." Please keep that in mind, as there are some - interesting - character interactions that depend on that. Also, since Candace is going into tenth grade, I should point out that the Danville school district divides the grades up from K-6, 7-9, and 10-12, the last being high school, as that's the only way this could be relevant.**

* * *

A hand, with a single finger extended in a pointing manner, moved itself across the bindings of rows of books on a shelf. The finger dragged absentmindedly across various insignificant titles, its owner searching for a single book in particular, before stopping to pull out the desired one.

However, the hand was having difficulty, and when one reads the title - Phineas and Ferb's Blue, Printed Book of Prints That Are Blue - scrawled horizontally across the binding instead of vertically and having some room left to spare, they should see why. A second hand promptly joined the first, and the two tugged forcefully onto both sides of it in an effort to pull the collection loose from the shelf. When still this didn't work, the two moved to one side while a second pair of hands grasped the other, and a nasally voice was heard, calling, "Pull, Ferb! Pull!"

Ferb pulled, and with this action in conjunction with the might of his brother, the large book dislodged itself from its home on the shelf and gave in to falling with a _thud! _next to the two boys to which the pairs of hands belonged. "Whew," Phineas observed, "We better find a better place to put this, I'll bet ya."

"Never thought of you as a bet-er," Ferb remarked.

Phineas did not miss a beat. "It's better than nothing," he added with a shrug and a smile.

Peering into her brothers' bedroom, Candace allowed her thoughts to audiate themselves: "That's not going to sound like a word for much longer."

She watched carefully as Phineas and Ferb hefted open their book, flipping through random pages until they found the one for which they were searching. "Here!" Phineas suddenly called, thrusting a finger down on the correct page. "This is the one."

Ferb appraised the drawing, then presented his brother with a thumbs-up.

"Great, then we should get to work right away. You get the hedge clippers, and I'll get Totally Tools on the line. This is gonna be epic! Certainly better than the..."

At this point, Candace stopped listening. "No, I can't do this," she scolded herself, "If I get too focused on busting today, I'm sooo going to get lost."

The teen forced herself down the hallway, giving a sideways glance at a wall calendar. Of course, today was high school orientation day, a week and a half away from the dreaded first day of school. For encouragement, Candace fitted a sharp #2 pencil behind her ear, and began thinking aloud again. "And getting lost is _not_ a part of my plan for today. I'm going to go in, find everything on my own, and show Danville High who's in charge." She narrowed her eyes, bringing up a fist in emphasis of her next word: _"Conditionally."_

One did not need to look closely to see in Candace's eyes the thought processes going on behind them. "Yeah," she continued, with noticeably less confidence, taking the pencil back out and looking at it regretfully. "That's kind of what I said in the beginning of this summer - well, not word-for-word, but close enough - and look where I am now."

Steeling her face again and replacing the pencil, she continued, "Hey, it's not that bad. I've got a lot of experience, met some new friends, got a boyfriend... Who cares about whether or not I busted my brothers?" She had to force the last sentence out with a nervous laugh.

She continued like this for a while, facing one way or the other as if her two conflicting attitudes were different people having a conversation; one with a pencil behind her ear, the other looking at it glumly.

"Who am I kidding? I do, I care about my brothers getting busted! Now the summer's almost over, and I don't have nearly enough time left."

"Yeah, don't be silly. There's always next summer! And who knows, maybe something will happen between now and when school starts that will extend the summer."

"But what are the chances of that? And besides, there aren't that many next summers left. I'm going into tenth grade! What am I going to do?"

"You can start by not talking to yourself so often," Phineas answered, following Ferb down the hall. "That helps."

"Gee, thanks, that's such great advice," his sister sarcastically agreed, pushing the pencil back behind her ear matter-of-factly.

"My pleasure," granted a much-too-oblivious Phineas, who promptly slid himself down the staircase rail. Ferb, plucking Candace's pencil and sticking it behind his own ear, did the same.

"He's lucky he's short," the redhead observed jokingly. "He has an excuse for why _everything goes over his head._"

She crossed her arms, looking down at the space for which her brothers just left. A few beats passed while Candace waited for a cutaway. When one didn't come, she realized, "Fine, do I need to say it? I'll say it. Where's... Periwinkle?"

* * *

The family pet made his way into the- wait!

Candace, thinking she was clever, returned her gaze to the camera. "Gotcha," she teased smugly, "Where's Perry?"

* * *

The family pet made his way into the computer room, hastily waddling up to the printer. Donning a dashing fedora discreetly, he opened up the top, laid himself on it, and pressed scan.

Moments later, a separate printer located underneath the house began receiving a signal. It got to work, printing out the scanned Perry from upstairs.

The platypus popped up and lifted himself off the table where the printer resided. He wasted no time scampering into his red seat, awaiting his mission.

Major Monogram appeared on the screen. "Good morning, Agent P," he greeted, "As you know, today is orientation day for the high schools of the Tri-State Area. And due to a recent court ruling, Doofenshmirtz is going to be instituted as a teacher in one of them. We need you to spy on him to make sure he doesn't try anything funny on the incoming freshmen. Teenagers are so easily influenced these days, he could be plotting to sway students to the dark side!"

Carl stepped onto the screen. "I don't know, sir, it's kind of a longshot for Doofenshmirtz to be able to sway one's entire moral compass. I know I would never turn because of something he did."

He received a flat glance from Monogram, who said simply, "Africa begs to differ."

"I mean, um, I'm interning!"

Francis turned back to Perry with a less-than-enthusiastic look. "Well, now that we've brought that up, I have some business to attend to," he spoke. "Doof. Go."

Perry saluted.

* * *

"Wooaahh," droned a surprised and disappointed Candace, standing so that only her feet were visible in the frame picturing the ground. "Stacy, yellow is _not_ your color."

A moment later, an end of a feathery yellow scarf was seen dangling by her feet. "Good to see you, too, Candace," Stacy's voice could be heard remarking. "Come on, I want to see if we have any classes together. I already know I've got Mandarin with Coltrane!"

"Chinese or Italian?" Candace's voice could be heard asking as the two girls walked away.

Nearby, three multicolored insects could be seen conversing on the ground. "Be careful, Wendell," the tallest of the three warned, "The amount of giants roaming theses halls is astounding! Don't try anything reckless."

"I won't!" Called the squeaky but confident voice of the leader's Number Two. "I've got plenty of 'wreck' in me!"

Wendell's wings began to fire up, buzzing happily as he lifted off the floor. "I'm going to see if there's no way we can-" He was cut off by the loudspeaker powering on. "What on Earth is that?"

"Listen closely," the first instructed.

Principal Lang's assistant could be heard booming over the school. "Would students with last names A through L please report to the auditorium?"

"By golly," Wendell exclaimed, "Where did that come from?"

"That... Circle up there on the wall," guessed their leader, pointing to a speaker, "Or my name isn't Napoleon Edmond Raphael Dominick Yellowgnatt the Fourth!"

"How can you be sure?" Wendell wondered, confused.

Napoleon toyed with one of his antennae. "These things pick up on everything," he explained.

The third bug, who had remained silent the whole time, finally inserted his opinion - but did so extremely quietly and mumbled. "How dare you, Floyd," Napoleon, who heard Floyd's commentary, spat. "My mother is a wonderful cook!"

* * *

Doofenshmirtz pulled out the ends of his tie in the mirror, admiring how good - no, how purely _evil _\- he looked in green. Thankfully, the school's dress code for teachers did not keep him from sporting his signature lab coat, and he had to admit, the change from black was a bit refreshing. He hummed the last parts of "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" under his breath, aware that as an evil scientist he'd be ridiculed for enjoying it; it's just, the new pop music kids listen to nowadays is _so catchy!_

But, there were better things to do that stand around admiring himself. Soon enough an announcement would be made, allowing his future subjects - _Students_, he told himself, _students!_ \- to enter the room and be orientatinated.

He was not taking the new job so well. Of course, high school science was favorable to prison, but this meant much less time for evil science and taking over the Tri-State Area. Thankfully, he had a plan.

Climbing through an open window was the one monotreme who could potentially ruin it all, though. "Ah, Perry the Platypus," he said maniacally, "Good of you to show up."

Instantly, a ceiling tile above Perry opened up and out of it dropped stacks upon stacks of paper; upon each sheet was a series of menacing blank lines. Perry shielded himself with his arms, but couldn't keep from being trapped underneath the pile of... Was this homework?

"Now, I know what you're thinking," Doof began, "And it was either this or hard time, so don't be getting any ideas. I'm still evil! I am!"

Perry offered no argument; that was just what he was afraid of. "So, today's kind of my first day on the job..." Doofenshmirtz began, wringing his hands anxiously. "...And I already hate it. Granted, I hate a lot of things, but this! Where do I even begin?

"Thankfully, I know what I'm doing. And there ain't no way I'm giving an orientation to these kids! You may notice how besides you and me, this room is completely empty." He walked over to the door and swung it open, revealing a menacing though very small -Inator clipped to the side facing the hallway. "Behold, the Get Lost-Inator!" He announced, showing it off. "It points to the hallway, see, and hits whomever passes by it. No one in my class is ever going to be able to find the room, even when it's sitting right here in front of them! Because, come on, everyone gets lost at high school orientation, right?"

With this, Doofenshmirtz happily closed the door. A moment later, a light could be seen coming from the hallway, indicating that the -Inator had let off a beam.

Instead of the person continuing on their trek through the hallways, however, whomever was hit thought it a better idea to knock on the door that they were supposed to have avoided. With a groan, Doofenshmirtz turned and opened the door. "Hey, what do you want?" He asked, irritated that his plan didn't work as well as he would have liked.

The person held a schedule in front of their face so it couldn't be seen for a moment. "I think I'm lost," admitted the unmistakably annoyed voice of Candace Flynn, who lowered the paper in front of her. "I'm looking for room K203, English with Mrs. Co-" She finally realized who the man in front of her was. With a shriek, she instinctively grabbed the door handle and slammed it closed, then leaned against the wall in frightened relief, clutching her schedule to her chest.

"Well, _that _was polite," Doofenshmirtz remarked, confused. Satisfied with finally getting a horror-infused reaction out of a potential future subject, he opened the door again to see Candace nearly hyperventilating against the wall. "Okay, what's going on here?"

Candace, in pure terror, pulled away from him suddenly. "D-Don't touch me," she stammered, memories of an event earlier that summer floating to her head.

Doofenshmirtz looked at her flatly, head-on. "Oh, I see the problem," he began calmly. "And before you say anything else, I'm _not _a pharmacist. I've been getting that reaction a lot since the Repulse-Inator incident, but let me tell you, I'm not contagious." He reached out and brushed his hand against her arm, proving that the mindless clones of him were purely a thing of the past. "I'm just fine."

Candace, sure she was about to turn again and with a 'Lots of me' already on her the tip of her tongue, was shocked when she failed to feel the purple electricity coiling itself around her like a snake. After a second, she cautiously opened her eyes, and appraised Doofenshmirtz. "Hey, aren't you-"

"-The future ruler of the Tri-State Area?" Doof finished smugly, "Yes, yes, I am."

"I was going to say Vanessa's dad, but sure, that works too, I guess?" Candace was quite used to meeting strange people, and while she had encountered this particular strange person before, this was the first time she remembered ever having a full-on conversation with him.

Doofenshmirtz looked to the redhead judgmentally. A thought struck him: What if he could teach these kids the art of evil science, and use them as his minions? This one looked plenty capable. Suddenly this job started to get a silver lining. "Yes, I'm that, too," he said proudly.

"I've... Heard a lot about you," Candace offered, though she thought it wise not to say exactly _what _she had heard.

"I'm sure you have. I've been trying to take over the Tri-State Area all summer, and _this_ is what all that got me. Say, you look like a good henchman; want to help me in my master plot?"

Candace knew Doofenshmirtz was crazy. She didn't know he was _this_ crazy. She backed away, saying, "Uh, you know, I'll just find my class myself."

"No, wait!" The new science teacher called, "I-I've got all these -Inators, they can help! You want something done, they can do it for you. What do you say, deal?" He held out a hand.

"Wait, you can help me do something in return, huh?" Candace asked, raising an eyebrow in contemplation.

"Anything at all," Doof answered, "I'm not promising a hundred percent success rate, but can anyone?"

Candace placed a hand to her chin. "True. True. But aren't you supposed to be doing an orientation today?"

Two people walked past them in the hallway, and from behind Doofenshmirtz the Get Lost-Inator fired another beam at them. One began looking this way and that, confused as to where he should be going; the other's eyes widened in massive realization. "Oh!" He exclaimed, a smile forming on his face, "I totally GET IT now! Wow, that's philosophical."

Doofenshmirtz turned back to his machine. "Hm, yeah, this thing has been known to misfire a couple times. Apparently there is more than one meaning of the term, 'Get Lost'..."

The machine fired again, and the person joined his companion in their confused and misguided trek. "Where are we?" One asked, to which the other replied, "I... Think the basement..?"

Doof turned back to Candace. "See, whenever someone walks by this door, they'll get lost. We have nothing to worry about."

"Wow," Candace said with a whistle, impressed. The only people she knew who could invent like that were... "Hey, sorry, I keep forgetting your family's name. What was it again? I want to see if I have you!" She took out her schedule to see if there was anything familiar under 'Science'.

"Doofenshmirtz. We have a deal?"

"Doof-and-the-what-now?" Candace wondered, "Well, if you can do that, you can probably get my mom to see what my brothers are up to, right? You do that, and I'll... Do whatever you said... You wanted me to do."

"Great!" Doofenshmirtz celebrated, "I'll get you an -Inator, and you show me where your brothers are."

Candace grinned in a way Doofenshmirtz would describe as 'evilly', though she was simply very excited. "Gladly," she said, ditching all plans of taking the orientation.

Perry the Platypus began to wonder if he was chopped liver.

* * *

Napoleon, Wendell, and Floyd were making no progress. The three had buzzed up to the large, circular speaker in the wall, attempting to make heads or tails of its communicational powers. "What say you, Wendell?" The first asked ambiguously. "Any clue how we can utilize this gadget to amplify our voices?"

Wendell placed a foreleg to his chin. Reasoned he, "If we get behind it and speak into the machine, that might work. I can try to pull the casing out of the wall. I'm not promising a hundred percent success rate, but can anyone?"

Without waiting for the go-ahead, the insect moved around the plastic cover to attempt to pull it away from its holdings. Immediately after this, the assistant principal made another announcement: "Principal Lang, you are required in the main office, Principal Lang."

With their vicinity to the speaker, all three bugs were shaken by this. Wendell nearly fell off, Napoleon jumped upright mid-grooming of the feelers, and Floyd, startled by the sudden ringing sensation he felt, placed two forearms to the sides of his head and ordered its source, "Get out of my mind."

While the bugs were recovering, the school principal had followed the instructions and made his way down the hallway and into the door nearby. "What is it? You know I'm busy today, and I can't ever seem to find that Doofenshmirtz's room..."

"We have muffins," came the answer.

"Count me in, then!"

Napoleon was the first to take note of this. "Hey," he started, "The source of the noise is in that room!"

He left his perch near the loudspeaker and, still wobbly from the volume of the announcement, flitted over in front of the open doorway. "We must get in there."

Wendell followed, with Floyd shortly behind. "Yes, sir," he agreed, "Let's."

* * *

"So, I'm doing what now exactly?" Candace implored of the science teacher.

"Taking over the Tri-State Area," was Doofenshmirtz's casual reply, searching around in the classroom's closet. He absentmindedly removed various small -Inators from the shelves, muttering under his breath. "Let's see, you want to try the Dalmatian-Inator, the Flip-Flop-Inator, or the Covered in Purple Milk-Inator?"

Candace eyed each of the contraptions cautiously. "Why do you have all these with you?" She wondered, pondering whether or not all teachers had similar stashes in their closets.

"Gotta be prepared."

For what, Candace didn't know. Doofenshmirtz continued piling small contraptions on his desk, listing their names aloud so the teen could stop him when she heard something she liked. "How about the Ballpoint Pen-Inator? Or the Jumping Jacks-Inator, the Peanut Butter-Inator, the Football-Inator, or, ooh!" The one he took out next he was particularly fond of, "The Onomatopoeia-Inator! Sister -Inator to the Alliteration-Inator, I might add." With that, he took out the two that he described, which almost would have made sense to Candace had he taught English instead of science.

"Um, that's great," the redhead chided, growing impatient, "But do you have anything that might actually _help_ me?"

"What, do you doubt my Tri-State conquest powers? Why would you want to take over if you can't do so with a '_bang!_' or a '_pew!_' or a '_ka-pssssshhhhh!_'?" The last example he droned out a little too long for Candace's liking - four whole seconds, she counted.

"Why do you even want to take over the Tri-State Area anyway?"

"Oh, long story," Doof replied with a reminiscent smile, "You'll have to ask my nemesis sometime. Then again, he might not tell you, he doesn't really come out when other people are around."

As if to prove the doctor wrong, Perry chose this moment to escape his trap; however, knowing Candace was there he decided to give the fedora a break and waddle up in pet mode.

He chattered, diverting the attention to himself. "Hey, what are you doing here?" Candace asked the monotreme with obvious distaste.

"Wait, do you know this platypus?" Doof wondered, suspicious.

"He's my brothers' pet," was the simple answer. "Speaking of which, you gotta hold up your end of the deal. Are you gonna bust Phineas and Ferb, or what?"

Perry watched with caution. If Candace knew he was there, she might as well let him follow her, allowing him a slightly easier time destroying his nemesis's machines and stop Candace from doing anything (else) unwise. Now it made sense why she was helping him; the two had made a deal, and Candace would never break a deal - especially if it involved her brothers' punishment.

"Sure, sure thing," Doofenshmirtz dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Whatever, just as long as you get me in control, eh?"

"Great, but it's going to need more focus than that." Doof turned to face her. At that moment, Candace's phone began vibrating violently in her pocket and ringing obnoxiously. She pulled it out, reading the message with a devious look.

"Yeah, real focused," Doof observed. "Hey, you aren't supposed to have those in school, I'll have to take it."

"I thought you weren't teaching today, Mr. Teacher Man. As it happens, this is my bust alert, saying the boys just did something. Fo-cus."

"Well, great." Doofenshmirtz thrust whatever -Inator he was holding into Candace's hands. "Point me towards danger, missy, I'm ready!"

Candace grinned again.

* * *

The two exited the building through a back door leading out to the bell tower. "Over there," Candace exclaimed, pointing to a place in the distance where she could see the ridiculous exploits of the famous Flynn-Fletcher duo. "See that?"

"Yeah, you mean the-"

"Yes."

"The thing with the-"

"Mm-hm."

"Where everyone's-"

"That's it."

"Wow." There was an awkward pause. "That's a _lot_ of mimes."

"Agreed. You go over there and show Mom-" she scribbled Linda's phone number onto a sticky note and slapped it onto his chest - "And I'll do whatever it is - this thing does."

"Sounds like a plan," Doofenshmirtz agreed, peeling the sticker off of his shirt. "And use the Dismantle-Inator wisely!"

Candace eyed the contraption in her hands. "A Dismantle-Inator, huh?" She took the safety off. "Alright, then. City Hall ho!"

"That's the spirit!" Praised the evil scientist, "And I'll go get your brothers in trouble."

"Sweet," the teen chimed, satisfied, hopping on the bike she rode there to put a plan into action.

Perry watched the two leave, unsure of whom to follow. He eventually decided, after disabling the Get Lost-Inator for good measure, that Candace with an -Inator could do more damage than Doof with a piece of paper. He jumped in his hovercar and made sure he was unseen as the two made their way to opposite destinations. After a while of stopping to fix random miscellaneous things Candace hit with the -Inator, the platypus was both relieved and surprised to hear her express her thoughts and feelings about the situation via song.

_D. I, S. M-_A_-N-T-L-E.  
That's how you spell the name of this thing given unto me.  
With an aim and a blast, I can forget about the past  
'Cause here today, I can be sure, that she will see!_

_Made a deal with a science teacher slackin' on the job  
Now I got some hired help to bust my bros to Mom.  
And all I need to do is take over, is to  
D-I-S! M-A-N-T-L-E._

_With the power of science on my side, I know I'll win!  
This will cause a ruckus and I'll take the position  
If they want their 'quipment back, they'll give me what I currently lack  
Power! Then I'll make the sweet bar-gain!_

_D. I, S. M-_A_-N-T-L-E.  
That's how you spell the name of this thing given unto me.  
With an aim and a blast, I can forget about the past  
'Cause here today, I can be sure, that she will see!_

_Not sure what the consequences are if I succeed  
But if it means two busted boys it's all the same to me  
Vanessa's dad may be a tad - strange, but that ain't bad;  
If I D-I-S! M-A-N-T-L-E._

_Now, if I'm right, this could make all my dreams real  
If that man decides to keep his end of the deal  
Teachers should be honest, and besides, we had both promised  
That as of now we're no longer schlemiels!_

_D. I, S. M-_A_-N-T-L-E!  
That's how you spell the name of this thing given unto me!  
With an aim and a blast, I can forget about the past  
'Cause here today, I can be sure, that she will see!_

_If I D!  
Iiif III Deee!  
If I D-I-S-M-A-N-T-L-E!_

* * *

"...Door is closed. Screen is not transparent. Space underneath door is blocked by spongelike material. Energy is low and flight impossible. Wendell nearly caught in spiderweb and Floyd..."

Napoleon, taking assessment of the situation, looked disdainfully at the green insect to his left. "...Possibly attempting to gnaw one of my legs off. Fortunately for me he does not have teeth."

"Cannibal is the new vegan," was all Floyd was comfortable muttering before turning back to his project.

Napoleon shoved the bug off and sat against the wall, joining Wendell in dejection. "It is with a heavy heart that I announce the sheer likeliness of never achieving the one goal we share, of never-"

Interrupting him, the door then swung open in a very anticlimactic fashion. "Oh. Well, whaddya know."

Quickly, the trio picked themselves up again and scurried inside the room next to the exiting principal's foot.

As if they had never lost any energy or motivation, the three looked for a way to climb the main desk after hearing the assistant principal repeatedly page Doofenshmirtz with a microphone on top of it. "Aha!" Napoleon claimed, "That round black thing must be connected to the amplifier somehow! Now how to get up there..?"

"Come on, guys, we're so close!" Wendell said in encouragement, "I can_ feel_ it."

"Feel it..." Repeated Napoleon. "Wendell, I do believe you are a genius."

The leader's antennae buzzed ferociously, as evidence that they were working hard. He made his way to the desk, placing various legs and each of his feelers along the side of it, searching for some part of the faux wood that would be acceptable. Suddenly, his eyes went wide; "Eureka!" He exclaimed, "Come on boys, the wood is climbable here!" He demonstrated this by placing all six legs onto it and turning back to face them invitingly. "We haven't time to lose."

The others followed. It was a difficult trek they vowed never to accomplish on foot again; they each had on their own unique game face to brave the long wall, and with a battle cry they leapt for the top.

Those who couldn't see it saw simply an almost-empty, silent room, the quiet awkwardly broken for a second while the assistant principal, at an adjacent desk, ruffled some papers.

"More!" Napoleon cried out, his eyes wet and his voice drenched in exhaustion, "We must keep pushing on, for all it's worth!" The others looked just as troubled.

This time, the otherwise silent assistant principal took a sip of her coffee.

Within a few minutes of this, they had reached the peak. Napoleon's fist could be seen pumping victoriously in the air as his other appendages followed. Wendell had to help Floyd up, but apart from that it was easy going to reach the microphone after reaching the summit.

"Whoo," Wendell complained, "That only took three forevers. I counted."

The bugs inspected the machine cautiously. "May I do the honors?" Napoleon asked with a raise of his foreleg, volunteering himself. The other two looked to each other and nodded.

That is, Wendell nodded. Floyd coughed sheepishly, which was Floyd for almost the same thing.

Napoleon instructed the two to move onto the button they saw the assistant principal press before to operate the announcement system. Once that was accomplished, he flitted up to the microphone, took a deep breath, and began to let out a speech:

"Hello, many giants, and thank you all for listening. My name is Napoleon Edmond Raphael Dominick Yellowgnatt the Fourth, and I lead a wonderful team of insects who have been attempting to come into contact with all of you for the majority of our lives. We who have worked so hard to see this day..."

To the humans, Napoleon's speech sounded like the following: _buzz._

"...We would like to..." Napoleon's voice trailed off. He turned to the others. "They... They can't understand us."

They stood up in uncomfortable silence, which was broken by the sound of a light chirping noise. "Floyd, stop that," ordered Napoleon.

"Turns out I'm part cricket," the sickly bug offered, ceasing the chirping.

* * *

"Alright, now let's see, this should be easy enough." Doof pulled out a cell phone and dialed the number given to him by Candace. He watched from below the exploits of the town's youngest generation, greatly enjoying themselves on... whatever that thing was.

"Baljeet! Did you see the horse anywhere?"

"It is right here!"

"No... I have it, Phineas. It needed hay."

"Than what is-"

"That's me, ya knucklehead!"

"Ooh! I am sorry!"

Yes, those youngsters were full of imagination. And caffeine, Doofenshmirtz guessed. The other line finally picked up, and Heinz was greeted with an unfamiliar, "Hello?"

The evil scientist decided to go about this formally at first. "Hi, my name is Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, I'm a teacher at Danville High."

"Oh, dear," Linda began, assuming the worst about Candace. "What did she do?"

"She? It's your sons, I'm calling from Danville Park, and they made this big... Thing... I can't describe it, but I've been asked to report to you that they made it."

"Oh. Well, it's very unlike Phineas and Ferb to get themselves into any trouble. Should I come over there?"

"Immediately!" Doofenshmirtz barked.

Linda could be heard sighing. "One more thing. Who exactly asked you to report this?"

"That's highly classified information," scolded the scientist. "Their sister, by the way."

"I'm sorry. I'll be there in a few," Linda said before hanging up.

Doofenshmirtz closed his phone. Who did those kids think they were, _enjoying_ their childhood? It made him sick.

"Man," Doofenshmirtz thought aloud angrily, "They're like mini-Rogers, all of them." He placed his hands on his hips. "What did that girl say to do again? Try to give them fair warning?"

He decided that her methods would be much better than his, having never - ever! - seen his younger brother in trouble. Not that he had tried to, but in retrospect that would have been nice. "Hey, you! Up there!" He called suddenly, "What do you think you're doing?"

Doofenshmirtz heard a nasally voice reply down to him. "Only having the best day ever!"

"Yeah?" The man was now beyond jealous. "Well, I've been hired to put an end to that."

"That's it, guys!" Another voice yelled, this one high-pitched and feminine. "The zoning law people have found us!"

"Oh, it's all right, don't worry! We'll clean this up."

"Wait, no, don't do that!" Called Doof, shaking his hands in a preventing manner. "We - need to - uh, inspect this thing you made… Whatever it is. I'm having someone come over to make sure you have permission and everything."

"Must be new. Who is it, do you know?"

Doofenshmirtz answered with more truth than Phineas had interpreted. "Your mother."

"Well, _that_ was polite," the boy observed. "Okay, well, if you need anything, we'll be here."

"Yep, I'm sure you will be…" Doofenshmirtz replied mostly to himself than anything. "...For now. When I get her to see what you're doing, it's Problem City for you! Eh, they aren't even paying attention. I wonder when that person's gonna get here."

He looked at his personal Digital Watch-Inator strapped to his wrist; the time showed 2:03 PM. "Hm. Maybe I can get a Slushy Dawg if there's one around here."

* * *

The gates of City Hall were closed, locked, and monitored under most circumstances. However, this time was different; now Candace Flynn was armed with a Dismantle-Inator, and her havoc-wreaking capacities were now through the roof.

Or in this case, through the front doors of Danville's capital. "Ah-ha!" The redhead yelled in triumph, "Totally _in!_"

She was not afraid of being seen; all security cameras she came across would be instantly broken apart via the -Inator. She stealthily made her way down appropriate corridors to the place where she would find the mayor. Locating Roger's office wasn't hard; it was the most luxurious room in the entire building, and besides, she had been there before. She felt as though she had, anyway.

Melanie had heard reports of the suspicious rampaging teenage girl storming the building, and was less than prepared technologically speaking to resist her. However, none was more stubborn and dedicated to protecting the office than Roger's perky secretary, Melanie. "Excuse me, miss," she began, "But _what in the world do you think you're doing here?_"

"Ohohoh, you'll see!" Candace replied with a slightly maniacal grin. "Everyone will see! And once they do, my brothers will go do-ow-own!"

"Uh, that doesn't make sense, miss," Melanie persisted. "I'm afraid you're going to have to put that gizmo down in here, we don't allow rays, laser beams, pointing devices, homemade science experiments, or unpatented inventions in this building." She counted on her fingers the items as she listed them. "Don't ask why, it becomes a problem more times than you'd think."

"Oh, I ain't putting _this_ down," Candace insisted. "It's the key to my domination! Here, I'll show you!"

She took aim at the door leading to the mayor's office when the moment she was about to fire, it opened. Roger Doofenshmirtz himself stood in the doorway, causing Candace to momentarily lower the -Inator in shock and pull the trigger at the same time, without realizing it.

That was how Roger came to notice his shoe had completely fell apart.

"Alright, what is going on in here?" He asked anyone, authoritatively.

"Mister Mayor, this young lady here is having a bit too much..." She studied Candace, looking for the right word. "...Fun, playing with that little machine there."

Roger looked Candace up and down. "Now, what is the problem here exactly?" He prodded, handing Melanie a cane, one which she had immense trouble holding up for some reason. He gestured to the -Inator. "What does that thing do?"

"It's gonna help me take over your job!" Candace explained, matter-of-factly. "Whatever its beam hits falls completely apart. Like your shoe."

Roger blinked. "Now, that's real cute," he offered. "But I'm afraid you're going to have to leave if you're only planning on causing trouble here. Plus, I liked that shoe."

"Ha," Candace laughed. "We'll see about that once I dismantle your, um, secretary's desk!"

Melanie placed hands on her face in horror at the teen's threat. Candace took aim and fired, although her aim was very askew and the ray traveled out of an open window instead; she tried again. However, this time she didn't quite press the right button; in the proceeding seconds, a minor explosion took place where the Dismantle-Inator once was, leaving Candace's hair sticking out in odd places and covering her in a fine layer of soot. "Was there seriously a _self-destruct_ button on this thing?" She wondered aloud, realizing what just happened. His face stern, Roger pointed straight out the door to motion for Candace's exit.

A moment later, the teen could be seen sitting dejectedly out on the steps of City Hall, head in her hands. "Hey, I tried," she conceded, standing up slowly. "I wonder how Vanessa's dad's doing with busting Phineas and Ferb."

* * *

"...Yeah, like 5' 8", red hair, long neck. Seen her around? I mean, not that I think all teenagers know each other-"

"Yeah, she's my girlfriend, actually."

"Oh. Well. What are the odds?"

Doofenshmirtz leaned casually against the cart, making small talk with the blonde behind it. "Well, thanks for the Slushy Dawg anyway. You know, I do have a bit of a grudge against these hot dog carts, but I kinda like you. You're the first salesperson to get my name right in about two years. And three months."

"No problem, Mr. Doodleyshoofs," Jeremy said with a smile in an attempt to be friendly, crossing his arms against the cart.

With an unimpressed, flat look, Doofenshmirtz promptly pulled out a small -Inator from the folds in his lab coat and pulled the trigger, covering the stand in a gallon or so of purple milk. He did not get the chance to properly view the teen's reaction, as at that moment a car could be heard pulling up and a door being opened.

"Excuse me," the woman walking out of it asked politely, "I'm looking for a Mr. - is-is it Dippy-"

"Doofenshmirtz," the irritated evil scientist corrected, "It's Doofenshmirtz! How is it that people only remember that name when there's an election?"

"Oh, I'm not really great at science," the woman replied with sorrow that she could not answer his question. "Anyway, I'm Linda, and what did you say my sons were doing?"

Doofenshmirtz took a bite of his Slushy Dawg, turned to face where Phineas and Ferb's invention just was mid-chomp, and regretted it. Eyes widening, he nearly choked on the weak, wooden stick as he saw what was left of the project: a large pile of parts and materials, disorganized but otherwise ready to be used for construction. He recognized the effects of the Dismantle-Inator anywhere.

"Why - it was just here, functioning properly and everything! What gives?"

Linda sighed. "You know, I'm really sorry if Candace made you do this all today. I know you probably have an orientation to give, and l-"

"Nah, nah, it's okay. Really. I just don't get how this happened! Why would she turn the Dismantle-Inator I gave her on this - thing - when that was what she wanted you to see? And shouldn't she be taking over the Tri-State Area about now? I've gotta go see how that's going! I wonder if she ran into my nemesis yet. He's a platypus, you know-"

Doofenshmirtz looked to the side to find Linda long gone. She had walked up to the kids in the park and was speaking with them; then, five hands shot up, as if she had asked them all a question that was unanimously, enthusiastically approved.

He sighed, then heard a voice from behind and to his right. "Didn't work, huh?" Candace asked, "Yeah, it never does. Also, your machine blew up."

Doof did not look surprised in the slightest. "Of course it did," he answered indifferently. "And hey, have you seen my nemesis? I trapped him before, but, I haven't seen him since. I worry for the guy sometimes, you know?" He tapped his hands together in a steeple, looking straight ahead instead of back at Candace.

The girl put a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, I'm sure he's just fine," she reassured, not knowing what the scientist meant.

Doof turned to her flatly. "That's what I'm worried about."

* * *

Perry connected the last of the wires, wiping some perspiration off his brow and breathing a heavy sigh in relief. He lifted the camera up to the wall and bolted it back into place, glad that was the last of the things Candace destroyed. He stepped back, saluted to whomever happened to be in charge of security in that part of the building via the reassembled camera, and hopped on his motor scooter to get back to his family.

* * *

It had been an interesting day. He had not gotten any orientating done, but he certainly did more than he expected. In retrospect Doofenshmirtz did not know why he thought he could succeed at whatever it was that girl was trying to get him to accomplish. Failure had been so big a staple in Doofenshmirtz's life he had no idea how he was qualified to teach eleventh grade science.

But here he was, standing outside the door of his own classroom, less than two weeks before he would be subjected to the new job, for better or worse. Hopefully, he wished, the second one.

Without noticing the ruined state of his Get-Lost-Inator thanks to a certain platypus's crime-fighting antics, the scientist swung open the door and began taking his lab coat off; it was getting hot. Before he could get too comfortable, however, he saw a moderately large mass of teenagers wondering where he had been and why there was a pile of ray guns sitting on his desk.

Doofenshmirtz blinked awkwardly as the class turned to silence; he fixed his coat. With a cough, he began: "Uh, h-hi, I'm Mr. Doofenshmirtz, your new science teacher - and welcome to high school science! Or, as I'd like to call it..."

A particularly curious student retrieved one of the -Inators and removed the safety. "What does this one do?" He wondered, taking aim at Doof.

Instantly, the scientist found himself suddenly preforming a series of involuntary jumping jacks. Without stopping, since he had no control over whether or not to, he sighed. "...Doof 101."

* * *

Candace was not entirely sure why Roger did not throw her in jail for threatening to destroy City Hall property, or even bill her for the shoe, but she was not going to look a gift platypus in the duck bill. "So, how'd it go?" Came a gruff voice from below; Candace looked down to spot Buford directing a question at her.

"How'd what go?" She asked halfheartedly, not convinced he was truly concerned.

"Duh. The brainwashin'."

"_Orientation_, Buford," Baljeet corrected, a brief sense of déjà vu settling between them. "I know I enjoyed my first introduction to Danville High a year or so ago-"

Candace interrupted. "Woah. How advanced _are_ you?"

"Do you want the short answer, or the more complicated one?"

"Yeesh. If there's a complicated one, never mind."

Phineas got them back on topic: "But really, what happened? Tell us all about it!"

Candace froze as she realized she didn't accomplish anything in her time there. "I am going to be so lost on the first day," she stated. That was enough answer for everyone else.

* * *

"So... What do we do now?" Wendell wondered, "I mean, now that we're up here and everything, and we know they won't know what we're saying if we try speaking."

Napoleon answered quickly, enthusiastic. "Well, what else is there to do, other than keep trying?"

"We could annoy the cafeteria ladies," Floyd suggested quietly.

"Or find out what that spirally thing is coming down from the ceiling!" Wendell pointed to a bit of flypaper.

"That was a rhetorical question," dismissed Napoleon with lowered eyelids. "Anyway, the problem remains as to how we're ever going to come into contact with these creatures."

They sat in silence for a moment. "Hey, I heard the room down the hall from the gates is being repopulated soon," offered Wendell.

A gleam crossed Napoleon's eyes. "There's our answer, boys."

They were then promptly swept up with a number of muffin crumbs and tossed into the garbage.

* * *

_During the credits..._

"Well, I'll be honest," Doofenshmirtz said to no one, having changed back into his black shirt and ready to veg in his apartment for the rest of the day. "That could have gone a little better."

He drew the coffee table near to the couch, placed a soda on it, grabbed the television remote, and got comfortable, planting his bottom on the ugly green cushions and throwing his feet up on the table in front. One hand busy with his cold beverage and the other pointing the remote at the box, he was sure nothing else could rightly mess up the rest of the day.

At the point of maximum comfort, the second before his finger came down on the power button on the remote, Doofenshmirtz heard a sharp knocking on his apartment door.

"Oh, bother. Who is it now?" He asked aloud, annoyed, and figured he had better answer the door if he knew what was good for him. With a sigh, he put everything away and trudged to the door. "It can't be Perry the Platypus, he _never_ knocks!"

Doofenshmirtz was right about that, for when he opened the door he was greeted with the stern face of a different OWCA do-gooder. Wordlessly, Major Monogram raised his right hand and to Doofenshmirtz's horror, did not hesitate to smack him across the face.

"I looked back on it," he stated simply, then turned tail and left.

"Wow," Doofenshmirtz noticed. "That there is a man of his word."

* * *

**So, who else that attends it is excited for school? Good luck to all! And, man, I wish Doof was my science teacher. XD Carpe Diem!**


	5. Shadow be thy Name

**SORRY I'M LATE but I had to give Pudge the Fish a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I will personally be handing out e-high-fives to everyone who got that reference.**

**Anyway, like I said, it's November. 18th. And it's probably too late for a Halloween-themed oneshot, but whatever I'm gonna do it. Let's see... (*looks outside*) ...Yep, the Halloween decorations are still up, I think I'm in the clear. This has actually been rolling around in my head for an _obscene_ amount of time - like, since before last Halloween - so I'm glad to finally have it all down! Speaking of which, liking the new cover? Eh, I made it a long while back, just for this chapter. When was it? August 19th, 2014. That's how old the cover is.**

**So, this takes place the same Halloween as "Drusselstienoween," which is after the series; I think "That's the Spirit" is the one before, just for clarification.**

**Anyway, enjoy this in all its lateness.**

* * *

"Phineas!"

The shrill of the of the Indian boy's cry rang through the yard before Baljeet could be seen running through the gate. "You have to help me-ee-ee!"

Phineas turned from his place underneath the yellow and orange leaves of the maple tree, long sleeves donned. "What's up?"

"It is Buford! He has been taunting me all month about finding a suitable Halloween costume, but I have been so focused on schoolwork that I had no time to make one."

"Phineas?" A slightly more feminine voice carried itself to the redhead's ears. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Well, not that much right now, but-"

"Great, because I could really use your help. I've got _soo_ much homework this weekend, and there's no way I can get it done in time on my own. Do you think we could go to my house and study a little?"

"No can do, girly," Buford announced, pushing through the back gate. "I need Dinner Bell today. I've been monitoring the town's candy levels about now, and it's way less than last year's! How are we gonna go trick-or-treatin' tomorrow if there ain't enough candy goin' around?"

"Buford, Halloween isn't about the candy." Phineas placed a hand to his chin to contemplate the claim he just made. "Okay, maybe a little. But that doesn't mean..."

"Phineas?" Django entered the gate as well, and both of the Flynn-Fletcher brothers began to note the growing number of their yard's occupants. "Are you busy?"

Irving popped up behind the fence. "Phineas?"

Adding himself to the mix next was Balthazar Horowitz, the Ballpit Kid. "Hey, Phineas."

Ferb lowered his eyelids; something was definitely wrong with this picture.

Meanwhile the most popular boy of the day could do nothing but throw his hands up in defense. "Woah, woah. One at a time, guys."

Buford, Baljeet, Isabella, Irving, Django, and Balthazar all exchanged glances. Each assuming they would be the one to go first, they all started shouting requests at him simultaneously.

Phineas turned to his brother with a look of exhaustion written on his face. "Well, Ferb, I guess I know what we're doin' today."

* * *

It was evening before the two had finished everything they had promised their friends. "Bye, Django," Phineas called with a wave as the boy left the yard. He faced Ferb.

"So, how was everything with you today? Did Isabella's schoolwork give you a hard time?"

"Please," screamed everything about the look he received from Ferb.

"Oh, I'm just messing with you. But you know what struck me as weird..." Phineas moved his eyes to the gate suspiciously. "Earlier today, everyone chose me specifically to ask for help. They didn't even acknowledge you. It's like they thought you were just my shadow, or something."

A few silent moments passed before Phineas broke into a grin. "Hey, you know, that gives me an idea. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do tomorrow!"

Ferb withdrew a calendar and pointed out the next day's date, around which a pumpkin shape was drawn to emphasize the significance of the day, _October 31st_.

"True..." Phineas considered this. "Okay, I change my mind." He steepled his hands, narrowed his eyes, and did not notice as a shadow passed over his face.

"Ferb, I know what we're gonna _be_ tomorrow."

* * *

_The next day..._

Perry absolutely detested the joker cap and string of bells that the boys had attached to him in the spirit of dressing up. He tolerated it solely for the purpose of satisfying Phineas and Ferb (and Linda, who would not stop gushing over his cuteness), but would definitely appreciate having someone on his side.

And who better to protest this silly injustice than the neurotic older sister?

The platypus made no effort to conceal the noise as he jingled and jangled in his trot up to Candace's bed. He pounced, and the redhead woke up to one of the most frightening images she could imagine; it was Halloween, after all.

One eye popped open, then the other, and then suddenly Candace and her bedsheets were airborne. With a desperate yelp of "Oh my gosh Perry!" she fell backwards off of the bed. "Ow."

Perry waddled up to the edge where Candace fell off and looked at her pleadingly. The teenager picked herself up, eyeing him with a kind of angry disgust. "Happy Halloween to you, too," she muttered. "Now, off the bed."

Perry shook his head back and forth. He wiggled his paws. He wagged his tail. The sounds of the bells did nothing to please either of them.

"Could you stop that?" Candace demanded, but he refused; this was the reaction he was looking for. She considered him an alarm clock that would not stop ringing no matter how many times you slapped the 'off' button. Candace picked him up cautiously, trying to touch as little Perry as possible. She carried her brothers' pet out of the door and down the stairs, the discontent monotreme wriggling the whole way.

"Phineas and Ferb," the teen hollered, "Your platypus."

The boys jogged into the living room, where the stairs let off. "Oh, there you are, Perry," said the first, accepting his pet with a smile. "Sorry, did he wake you up?"

Candace blinked, bags visible under her eyes. "Yeah. But that's okay, It's not like I _wanted_ to sleep in during the weekend."

As expected, the sarcasm completely overshot its mark. "Oh, okay then. Do you like Perry's costume?" He asked, shaking the platypus from side to side.

Perry chattered.

"No, it's way too noisy and it makes him look ridiculous. And I don't think he really likes it either."

_This_ was music to Perry's ears.

"Oh, don't be silly. Halloween only comes once a year, and when else do you get to dress a platypus up like a jester?"

Ferb looked to him with lowered eyelids.

"Right. Don't answer that."

"Anyway, what are you up to?" Candace inquired, "Nothing bustable, I hope."

Phineas waved this off. "Oh, we're just getting our costumes ready for later today. What are you going as?"

"Psh." Candace rolled her eyes with crossed arms. "I'm not going trick-or-treating. But Vanessa does have that party at her dad's castle tonight, and I can't be there without my Queen of the Vampires garb on, now can I?"

"Oh, she invited you to that?" Phineas was not sure why he was surprised. "Okay, well, we have to work. So we'll see you two la-"

He had already turned and was starting to leave, but the space where he expected to find the family platypus was empty. "Hey," he wondered, "Where's Perry?"

"Over there," informed Candace, pointing to her right. "Those bells won't let him sneak away as long as they're on him."

Perry stopped walking as he realized the inevitability of this fact. "Alright, then." Phineas dismissed, to the monotreme's horror. "Come on, Ferb. Let's let him be."

The sound of the screen door opening and closing (and subsequent sound of Candace welcoming the couch as a secondary bed, in the intent of making up a few hours of weekend snoozing) allowed Perry to meander somewhat more freely around the house. A small beep of his wristwatch displayed the face of Doofenshmirtz, which surprised Perry a little - seeing as the doctor was on his way to reform - but he was still ready to bring whatever he had planned to justice. With another vain attempt to shake off his humiliating guise, he pulled a Halloween decoration off the wall and crawled into the open tunnel that appeared behind it.

He had been more humiliated in front of the major in the past, he decided, as he begrudgingly opened the computer screen's camera to reveal Monogram. At least today there was a logical reason for showing up dressed this way.

"Oh, hello, Agen-" Perry did not find Monogram's inevitable reaction amusing. "Hah! How'd they get you to agree to wear that? Carl, get over here."

The nerdy intern, who was on a break from school for the end of October, stepped onto the screen. "Oh! Oh, I'm getting a picture of this." With that, he withdrew a flipable cell phone and a single flash went off.

"You see, Carl," Monogram explained, "_This_ is why we even give these animals host families. It makes things so much lighter during the holidays."

Fine, Perry decided, he'd have to go in blind today. He turned tail and jingled his way out of the lair.

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz still evil on Halloween!_

Perry secretly hoped the jetpack he used to get to the DEI building would somehow loosen the humiliating costume he was wearing (or at least rip some of the bells off), but no such luck. It was Halloween, so he would have been just fine with going in costume - he could always have passed it off as a disguise - but this would not have been his first choice. Maybe a bedsheet ghost would have been preferable...

Perry landed on the balcony, shook off his jetpack, and tried again fruitlessly to gnaw off the bells attached to his wrists. The jester cap was no easier to remove, as it had been strapped underneath his chin.

But it was too late, discovered the platypus, as he saw Doofenshmirtz approaching.

"Hey, what's going on out here?" He pondered, narrowing his eyes. "A platypus dressed up like a jester?"

Doofenshmirtz brought a hand to his chin and eyed Perry suspiciously. "Is this some sort of - I dunno - a Halloween gram or something? 'Cause I've heard of Christmas grams before, but this is totally new to me."

Perry was growing impatient; he retrieved his fedora. Unsurprisingly, it would not remain on his other hat for more than a second or two every time he tried to put it on before sliding delicately off the costume.

With a sigh as defeated as it was annoyed, Perry forced himself to put the brown hat away. It would only get lost if he tried to keep it on.

"Okay, well, thanks for coming anyway. Now I just need to figure out who sent you; I don't know a lot of people who would do something nice for me for a holiday."

It was a weird habit, but Doofenshmirtz did not care; he reached up to repeatedly tap the point of his nose in thought. "Must be a wrong address or something, but hey, I'll take it. Anyway, while you're here, I'm not expecting a nemesis today but I still need someone to rant to. Come in!"

He extended a hand farther into his apartment, motioning for the visitor to follow him inside. "And have a cupcake. The orange-frosted ones, not the chocolate. Those ones contain trapper cables in case I need to stop anyone from trying to foil my scheme."

Perry followed Doofenshmirtz's pointing hand with his eyes to a table set up along the wall. It was filled with a series of Halloween-themed treats, including the indicated cupcakes, fruit punch dyed to look like blood, and the skeleton-like candy bowl Doof would later use to deliver sweets to the children of his apartment, all resting on an orange and black tablecloth with spiderweb lace.

Naturally, Perry was suspicious - as any good secret agent ought to be. It would be just like Doofenshmirtz to forget or mix up which flavor had the trap, and if he knew of Perry's identity he would have purposely mixed up the flavors.

"Like I said, the chocolate ones. Go ahead, don't be shy."

Now Perry was even more wary. Doof _had_ forgotten which was which and the decision between being trapped and being free was primarily up to chance. This in mind, Perry saw no harm in simply choosing one and going with it.

He sent Doofenshmirtz another look, who confirmed his unwavering stance that Perry must take one, and lifted a noisy paw to retrieve an orange cupcake.

Neither was truly surprised when trap wires protruded out of the plate to ensnare the jingly Perry. "Oh, right, I just remembered - it was those sprinkly sugar cookies that I was supposed to give out, and all of the cupcakes have traps. Sorry, happens more than you think around here.

"Anyway, admit it. You have to be somewhat curious what my plan is, right? Well, I'll have you know that I'm actually an evil scientist. It's true!"

Doofenshmirtz stalked over to a figure, presumably one of his evil inventions, concealed by a king-sized sheet. "Well, technically, I'm a science teacher right now, but I was an evil scientist until like halfway through last month. But-But today is Halloween, where evil is celebrated all over the world, and how can I miss out? Don't tell my nemesis, but I'm going to go back to evil today. Cool?"

Perry glared. Doofenshmirtz did not seem to notice.

"Great. Now that we've established that, behold." He whipped off the sheet, which revealed the day's -Inator. "The Upside-Down-Inator!"

Perry was an honest mammal, and if asked, he would not have lied: he was expecting something spookier, in the spirit of Halloween. No matter, though; whatever plan Doof had concocted this time, it was Perry's job to make sure it went down in flames.

"What I'm going to do with this is simple: surely you know of the Tri-State Treat Pot filled every year, right? You know, that thing where they collect three percent of every child's Halloween candy to introduce them to the concept of taxes, then donate everything in it to families that can't afford Halloween candy?"

Perry did recall the giant pot, which he could see out the window by following where Doofenshmirtz's hand was pointing. The container was the size of half a building, and the exact shape of a typical witch's pot. He would only hear the end of Candace's annual complaining about the candy deduction when the children's supply of the sugary treats were replenished by their stockings every Christmas.

"So, you may have figured it out by now, but what I'm going to do today is turn that whole thing upside-down. I will empty it of all its candy, and the subsequent mess will cause such literally delicious chaos!

"Of course, usually what I do is try to _take over_ the Tri-State Area, but like I said, this is just a today-only thing. So I'm just going to go with this criminal prank, to get these evil urges out of my system."

Perry made the connection. He attempted movement, but gained nothing but a headache from the constant ringing of his costume's humiliating bells.

In fact, that gave him an idea...

* * *

"Is it ready, Ferb?"

Instead of the usual, this time the green-haired boy chose to nod in confirmation.

Phineas hesitated a bit. What they were about to do was never attempted before, and went to places even they had never explored. "Are _you_ ready?"

Another nod. "Alright. I'm really kind of excited about this one."

"So, whatcha doin' again?" Asked Isabella, who was standing beside the two, not masking her confusion.

"I'm trying something different out for a Halloween costume this year," Phineas explained. "Haven't ever seen someone go as a shadow before, have you?"

"Oh, so you're just going to go in all black, then? But what would this machine have to do with anything?"

"This," he began, gesturing to the boys' invention. It consisted of a small, round projector that came up to about Phineas's shoulders. On either side of it stood two orange ramps, set up so that one could run up and scale the machine. Next to them rested two more ramps, set in the same places off to the side. These ones, however, were green. Explaining, Phineas continued. "...This will open up a small field of energy that will convert any solid matter that passes through it into the shadow of the person or object bonded to it. See this?"

Phineas hoisted a small, technologically advanced-looking headband up to eye level. "Ferb and I each have one, which are wirelessly connected to both each other and the machine. Show her, Ferb." He fitted his on.

With this, Ferb pulled back the front of his hairline to reveal that he was already wearing the headband. "So, two of these ramps are for me..." Phineas added, "...And the ones next to mine are Ferb's." He paused. "Think we should fire it up?"

Buford, who had entered prior to the redhead's explanation, spoke up. "Yeah, do it. I want to see this work."

Phineas returned with a content grin. "So you will, oh ye of little faith."

He and Ferb simultaneously reached to their temples and turned on their mechanical headbands. This action also caused the energy field to open; it was swirling and purple and as close to black as the color would allow. It screamed Halloween. The two lined themselves up to their respective ramps and shared encouraging looks.

"So, wait," Baljeet interrupted. "You are going to be Ferb's _shadow?_"

"That's the plan."

"Are you sure that's, like, physically possible?" Added Isabella with concern, "What if it doesn't work?"

Phineas laughed. "So what if it's not physically possible? Never stopped us before."

Isabella nodded. He had a point.

Phineas counted down on his fingers._ Three... Two... One!_

He and Ferb began their identical ascents. They launched off the ramps, and only one came down unchanged.

Silence as the group wondered where Phineas had went, and why Ferb's shadow now depicted a triangular cranium. Then, "Wow. How do you feel, Ferb?"

The question was Isabella's. He answered with the thumbs-up that had been missing earlier. "And Phineas?"

"This is_ so awesome!_" Exclaimed Phineas's voice. Ferb hastily covered his mouth with both embarrassed hands, as his was the one that had spoken.

"...What?" Phineas wondered, having a hard time seeing the source of his brother's discomfort. "What's going on?"

Ferb turned toward the ground behind him, where Phineas had been cast. Out of politeness, he walked closer to the house so that his now-intangible brother would fall on the side shingles, rather than the dirty ground. Everyone followed curiously, amazed by the breakthrough.

"Oh, that's better; thank-" Phineas stopped when he saw Ferb's mouth moving in sync with his dialogue. "Woah! This'll be an interesting day."

Ferb could not agree more. In fact, they had no idea just how interesting things were going to get.

* * *

"Oh, there they are, all lined up. Doin' their thing. Just like always. Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet... Buford." Candace grimaced at the last name. "But wait - where is Phineas?"

As she was right in front of the sliding glass door, it only made sense to go out and see for herself. "Hey, what's going on here?" Her eyes bulged as she took in the portal-like energy ring hovering over its projector. "What is that? And where's Phineas?"

"Um, it's a thing that turns stuff into shadows," Isabella explained. "We were going to use it on him, and then-"

"On Phineas? You mean, you invented something without him? Oh, this must be some kind of bad Halloween prank. I'm gonna go find him, and when I do, all of you are going to be busted!"

She ran inside the house. "Well, I've never seen her from this angle before," Phineas commented. "Also, Baljeet, you're standing on my hip."

"Oh! My apologies," the Indian boy replied, awkwardly shuffling off. Ferb bit down on his lips to emphasize his preference for not being used as a mouth.

* * *

_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring..._

"Ugh," cried a vexed Doofenshmirtz, "What _is_ that sound?"

_Ring, ring, ring._

"Seriously, it's more annoying than that group of penguins that come around here every Friday. Don't ask, but take my word for it, you'd be surprised how much noise they make. It's maddening!"

_Ring, ring, ring, ring..._

"Anyway, I do apologize for the noise, I really don't know where it is all coming from." With this, Doofenshmirtz turned from his inspection of the -Inator to face Perry. His eyes widened as he discovered just the source of his irritation, the movement of the platypus within his confines. "What, do you want out? Oh, right - someone sent you to do something funny, right? Where are my manners, you're just here for your job and I'm making you sit through all of this! Here, I'll let you out."

Perry slightly cringed as he felt the doctor's hands slipping into the cables around him, but the discomfort was worth the freedom. "Now show me what you got. You're gonna do a little dance or something, right?"

Sure, Perry could descriptively consider it a dance. Except that it was really a punch square to Doofenshmirtz's face.

"Hey, what was that for? Is that what you were sent over here for? I take back what I said, tell whomever sent you that I don't appreciate it."

Perry chattered angrily. Sometimes Doofenshmirtz's stupidity was aggravating.

"Well, shoot. Now I have to trap you again, and I don't think either of us would like that."

Not on Perry's watch. He ran towards the machine, already trying to locate the button wired to destroy it.

"Oh, drat, I just remembered," Doofenshmirtz added. "I must be really out of the game by now; I forgot to put on the self-destruct button!"

* * *

"Mom! Mom! Mom!"

Linda let out a sigh. "What is it, Candace?" She turned with rolling eyes to her daughter, putting down a large piece of black felt lined with the faux hair of a wild guerrilla.

"Have you seen Phineas?"

"No, why? What 'impossible project' has he made today?"

"Nothing, that's the problem!" Linda was, of course, surprised to hear this coming out of Candace's mouth. "He hasn't done anything today. It was Ferb and the others; they built something that's supposed to turn people into shadows! And they're gonna use it on him!"

"You know, Candace, I really thought that after this summer ended you might be over all this 'busting' stuff. Just try to enjoy this Halloween-"

"And let Phineas be turned into a shadow? No way!"

"Candace-"

"Don't you love your son?"

Linda stopped. "Sure I do."

"Then you'll help me find him. Come on, please?"

The children's mother defeatedly set her project down on the table. "Alright; fine. I thought I saw him go into the garage to look for something."

"To the garage it is!"

* * *

"So, you can move just like regular?"

For Ferb's sake, Phineas chose to nod his head in answer.

"And you can see?"

"How is that possible?" Wondered a dumbfounded Baljeet.

"It really isn't," Phineas explained.

"...So what now?" Buford probed, "What's the plan? So you're Magee's shadow now, whatcha gonna do?"

"Well, just imagine it all," commanded Phineas's voice. "I'm made of darkness now. It's so appropriate for Halloween!"

Ferb coughed into his fist. "More succinct, please," he requested.

"Oh - right. Actually, we could probably let the soundtrack take care of this one, right?"

Ferb withdrew a small radio and tuned to a certain station, showing his approval. Immediately, the next song powered on, which began with the sounds of a large organ. The children began moving into the beat and groove of the song, which had a very Halloween-y feel to it.

_Tell me now your greatest fear  
And brace for the dark end  
It's the creepiest day in the calendar year  
So prepare yourself, my friend!_

_You may find our idea of 'fun' disturbing  
If you're the type that's faint of heart  
We're all about the grim, ghostly, perturbing  
And take our word, we so can't wait to start._

_Sciophobia! It's the fear of your shadow  
We invite you in to our haunted chateau  
If death's on your to-do list and you're looking for a scare  
Leave your flashlight at the door and enter only if you dare!_

(After the first chorus, some of the children began adding their own lines. Phineas began, answered by Buford.)

_I'm intangible, and I'm entirely free!  
I can move to wherever and there's nothing I can't see!_

_Tough luck, 'cause it looks like you're totally bound  
To your brother's feet, and if he can't move around  
If I put him in the closet and I turn off all the lights  
You can't do nothin' but just sit and surround._

(As he sang this, Buford could be seen leading Ferb into a closet inside the house. After being closed inside it, Ferb struck a match and placed it behind him, allowing Phineas to be cast over the entire wall. Reinvigorated, Phineas continued singing.)

_That's not how it works, bully, friend of mine  
I can get us out of trouble when our lives are on the line!  
Now I'll reach underneath the door and if I get a light to shine  
In just the right place, the both of us will be just fine!_

(He slipped like a piece of paper through the crack under the door. Taking advantage of his ability to move on his own, he climbed the wall and unlocked the knob. He joined the singer on the radio as Ferb walked them back into the yard; Isabella and Baljeet provided ghastly backup.)

_Sciophobia! It's the fear of your shadow  
(Leave your flashlight at the door...)  
We invite you in to our haunted chateau  
(Should you want to see an hour more...)  
If death's on your to-do list and you're looking for a scare  
(Join us for a midnight tour...)  
__Leave your flashlight at the door and enter only if you dare!_

_Leave your flashlight at the door-  
Or you may just be done for!  
-And be more frightened than you ever were befooore!_

_Sciophobia!_

At the conclusion of the song, all five kids burst into laughter that showed the good time they were having. Suddenly, Phineas's voice ceased to emanate from Ferb's mouth, and his form began to conform to his brother's.

Everyone turned to face him in wonder of what just happened. Ferb placed him on the wall of the house again. He mouthed something, alarmed, but no sound came.

"Ferb, you can read lips," Isabella reminded him. "What'd he say?"

Ferb's eyes bulged, as did Phineas's. Four hearts nearly stopped as Ferb repeated: "Something went wrong. He says we need to get him back before he remains a shadow... Forever."

* * *

Perry stopped in his tracks. There was _no_ self-destruct button? That did not leave him with many options. The machine appeared mounted to the floor, so rolling it off the balcony was not going to happen. He could just try to beat it, but there was no telling how much that would take or what it would do to his form; besides, it was hard enough to move already what with his ridiculous costume.

_Improvisation it is,_ he decided, as he jogged in the direction of the machine. With deliberation, he removed the -Inator's control panel and tossed it to the side, revealing a mass of wires running along beneath it in a mess that resembled spaghetti.

"Hey, leave that alone!" Doofenshmirtz demanded, picking up the board and slamming it back down onto where Perry had been working. Luckily, the platypus was able to evade being squashed by the panel, but his cap was not as fortunate; a solitary button had popped off and fell into the abyss of wires before the board clicked back into place.

"Seriously, what kind of Halloween gram _are_ you? I'm totally giving you a bad rating."

* * *

Linda and Candace peeked into the garage, but found no one but Lawrence sitting there going over his collectibles. One of them was the jukebox he had showed the boys earlier that year, which was playing a rock-and-roll-type song from at least a couple decades ago.

"Oh, hullo, ladies. What is going on?" He inquired, conversationally, "Did you want to take a look at any of these?"

Candace's face scrunched up. "What are you listening to? Is this-"

"Toe Harbor," Linda confirmed Candace's suspicions. "Of course, they're no Love Händel, but there's a reason they got famous."

"Infamous, more like," corrected Candace. "How does anyone like this? The lead singer always sounds like he's in pain, and they call themselves _Toe Harbor._ I hear that name and think two things: toe jam, and Pearl Harbor. Neither of which I'd like to think very much about."

"Oh, well why not? The attack of Pearl Harbor's an important piece of history you'll have to be very familiar with-"

"Okay, have you seen Phineas?" Candace cut her mother off.

"Well, yes."

Lawrence failed to elaborate further. "...Where?" Candace added.

"Oh, not today," her father specified. "But I have seen him."

Candace rolled her eyes and dragged her mother by the arm to the backyard.

* * *

"Wait, what do you mean, forever? Phineas!"

"Oh! I knew it was not safe. We must get you back through that machine as quickly as possible!"

"I'm sorry man, I won't pucha in the closet again."

Ferb's sentiments on the subject were, as always, better expressed by way of action. He manually powered up the energy field and positioned himself on the green ramp opposite the one he ran up earlier.

At just the wrong moment, a cloud chose to pass over the sun. Baljeet, Buford, and Isabella watched in horror as Phineas began to fade into the rest of the darkness covering the ground. "Where is he?" The latter demanded with frightened conviction.

"He hasta be here somewhere," explained Buford.

"Uh-h..."

"What?"

Baljeet swallowed. "Not necessarily..."

All eyes pointed to him, Isabella's almost with anger. "You see, Phineas is now Ferb's shadow," he stammered. "As long as Ferb has one, he should be there. But now that that of the cloud has overlapped onto Phineas... He becomes _part_ of the cloud's shadow. He is no longer bound to Ferb if that happens."

A small beat passed, but was cut short due to the urgency of the situation. "I think!" Baljeet added in his own defense, "Since this is the first time anything like this has ever been carried out, everything I know on the subject is highly hypothetical..."

"Then we have to do something! I know - there's a flashlight on my phone."

Isabella took out the small, pink electronic device. "Dang it, there's no battery."

"Oh!" Baljeet remembered, "I left mine at the door."

"What about your match?" Buford reminded Ferb, remembering how he helped Phineas during the song. Ferb promptly took the match out and lit it, but the first drop of an afternoon shower quickly put it out. "Aaand, now it's rainin'."

"Oh, how desperately we needed that information. Thank you, oh-so-observant Buford, for finally enlightening us."

"Your sarcasm is fully appreciated, girly."

Isabella mumbled, "As is yours..."

* * *

"Ugh, where does this button go again?" Doofenshmirtz cried in frustration, hovering over the wrecked control panel. "See, you messed everything up. You _ruint_ it, silly platypus..."

Perry took no offense. "I can't believe it, there's no more space for this to go on anywhere! It's - ooohhh, _this_ is the self-destruct button. Guess it's useless right now."

With that, he threw the disconnected button behind him, not regarding the two small wires protruding out the bottom. It landed on a switch of another machine, which Perry could hear whirring up and about to fire.

He chattered, pointing to the -Inator, asking what it did. "Oh, my Dehydrate-Inator. Interesting story there. Eh, it's pointed out to the sky anyway, it won't hit anything important."

Immediately after he said this, the machine fired its ray. Perry, in the hope that Doof was right, promptly destroyed the lingering -Inator.

* * *

It did not take a scientific genius to recognise the brevity of Phineas's time left should he have remained a shadow, even though Ferb was one. Against the orders of Baljeet ("You cannot risk it! It is all over!"), the young inventor lined himself up with his green ramp, blinked away some rain that had fallen on his face, and sprinted upwards. He could only hope it would be sufficient to save Phineas.

Seconds before the lad reached the apex of his jump, the large raincloud above the children was randomly struck by a ray of light and vanished entirely, allowing a fading Phineas to fall onto the orange ramps beside Ferb's.

The green-haired boy stuck the landing and jogged down onto the grass. Beside him, tumbling down the orange ramp with a hilarious clumsiness even Candace could not display if she tried, was a very tired-looking Phineas.

Everyone rushed towards him and helped him to his feet. The boy was dizzy, blinking, and breathing heavily. "H-Hi guys," he finally uttered, "I made it."

Three of the kids cheered, while one covered his mouth again. "Whoops, am I still speaking out of you?" Phineas asked his brother, whose lips were not seen moving due to their being hidden behind Ferb's hands. Therefore, he nodded.

An amused Phineas smiled. "Alright, I think we could fix that."

* * *

"See? I was right..." Doofenshmirtz cupped one hand over an ear. "...No desperate screams in horror; it didn't hit anything. Although I guess it would be hard to say, if there was one - it _is_ Halloween, after all."

This properly established, he finally snapped the last remaining wires into place. "Now, to fire this up. I simply can't wait to see it happen!"

Perry made to move towards the machine, but in an unfortunate turn of events his costume and its decreased mobility caused him to trip mere yards from the -Inator. He looked up first in anger, then in terror, then in confusion.

The -Inator hummed loudly, and smoke emanated from the pores in its steel casing. It was then that Perry remembered the single bell that got caught off his cap, and realized that was interfering with the machine's internal processes notably much. Both Perry and Doofenshmirtz recognized the telltale signs of an oncoming explosion.

The skilled monotreme found no use in staying there, as the scheme was bound to fail. He picked himself back up and rocketed himself out of there to the sound of metal and electrical material spontaneously combusting. He did not notice the single beam of dark purple light that flew from the building.

"Curse you, Per- wait," Doofenshmirtz realized, "You're not Perry the Platypus - in fact, I didn't even get your name! Now how am I going to curse you?"

He found a way. "Curse you, Halloween gram place that doesn't give their employees name tags!"

* * *

"Well, even if we can't find Phineas, I can still show you what they were planning to do to him!"

As Candace opened the door to the backyard, a ray of dark purple light collided with the boys' invention. The whole thing immediately flipped upside-down, the swirling energy field now beneath its projector and the ramps. Gravity quickly gave the gift of influence to all four, plus the machine, sending them falling down into the field. As none of the objects were properly bonded to anything, the portal then gave way and collapsed in on itself, never to be seen again.

None of the children seemed to notice or care. "Look at this _monstrosity!_"

Linda lowered her eyelids, unimpressed by the lack of anything that her daughter could have been talking about. Suddenly, a snarling noise directed her attention downwards, where she found a creature somewhat resembling Phineas baring its sharp fangs, bloodthirsty eyes, and hairy face in a hunger rooted in his desire to be the champion of the time he was given to be alive - now that he was no longer afraid of it ending anytime soon. The rest of his body was as human as Phineas had always been.

A smile grew across the mother's face. "I see; it looks like Phineas _has_ been turned into a monster."

The boy in front of her laughed and took off his mask. "Fooled you! I've decided to go out as a werewolf later," the redhead explained. "But you should have seen your faces."

"Well, I know I was scared," Linda offered, humoring her imaginative son. Candace showed no sign of amusement, however, as she broke into her daily complaint about Tri-State life.

"But - that's not what - they were going to turn you into a shadow!"

"Well, yeah, that would have been fun," Phineas confirmed. "But as it turns out, it would be really hard for a shadow to go out trick-or-treating."

"I'm sure," added Candace flatly. Then, the sound of bells wafted into her ears; "Oh, there you are, Perry."

The lethargic platypus found it appealing to cease his waddling and place himself on the leafy grass. With final unwavering distaste for his current condition, he let loose his signature noise.

Phineas eyed him in thought. "You know, Candace, I think you may be right," he acquiesced, "He does look a bit uncomfortable in that."

The biggest Halloween gift either of the boys could have given their platypus that year was freedom. Perry happily accepted this from Phineas, nearly smiling to himself as he felt the undignifying jester's hat and bell-adorned costume slip off his semi-aquatic body.

"Alright, well, feel free to come in for snacks whenever you're ready," Linda announced, and to the dismay of the children, she continued: "But make sure to hold off for candy later."

"Will do," Phineas agreed. Candace dejectedly followed her mother into the house, with her brothers and their friends close behind.

"So, what made you want to go out as a shadow, Phineas?" Isabella inquired of her redheaded crush.

"Well, after what happened yesterday, when everyone was asking me to help them out with everything, Ferb and I caught on pretty quickly to the fact that no one was asking him for any help; so we decided that since he was kind of being treated like my shadow, it would be appropriate to even it all out by making me into his for a day."

"Oh." Isabella's heart fell as she realized the truth to what Phineas was saying; she turned to Ferb and comfortingly placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry for treating you like that, Ferb."

She did not see the boy's forgiving smile because she was too concerned with making sure Baljeet and Buford apologized as well. "We won't do it again."

Ferb nodded in appreciation while Phineas changed the subject. "Where do you think our machine went, anyway? It wasn't bonded to anything, so it couldn't have become a shadow..."

"Well, wherever it is, I do hope they have matches on hand there," Ferb voiced. Everyone laughed in agreement.

* * *

_During the credits..._

In a faraway realm, in a world that existed entirely in shadows, a portal opened and in dropped the small projector. Next to it landed an extra headband similar to the ones Phineas and Ferb were using to tie themselves to each other.

A large, birdlike creature approached the console, inspecting it curiously. The headband was hard to fit around its head due to the creature's sheer size, and the being celebrated the success of getting it on by rearing up for a long cry.

* * *

Back on Earth, Ferb and his friends were busying themselves with orange- and black-iced sugar cookies and milk at the kitchen table. No one looked up from their snack as the green-haired boy randomly let out a drawn-out: _"Loo-OOO-ooo-OOO-oooh!"_

Only when he was finished did Phineas turn to his brother. "Did you say something, Ferb?"

Without batting an eye, Ferb removed the mechanical headband from his forehead, produced his favourite wooden hammer, and promptly destroyed all ways for beings other than himself to audiate through his vocal chords.

* * *

**Done! Welp, I would say Happy Halloween, but I guess it's closer to Thanksgiving by now. ^^' Happy Thanksgiving, then, and Carpe Diem!**


	6. Home Alone

**Okay, I know this one's a little different, but work with me here. I just played an arrangement of music from _Home Alone_ for my school band concert a week or so ago, so I've had that movie on the brain for a while. So when I was running down ideas for a Christmas-themed episode, I figured, why not?**

**That said, I don't own any part of the movie_ Home Alone_. Nor Phineas and Ferb, for that matter. If you haven't seen the movie, however, some of this might not make sense; just as fair warning. (Also, I realize there already is an episode that takes place at Christmas, so this is the year before the summer we're used to.)**

* * *

"You know, I always _have_ wanted to visit Paris," the young redhead noted conversationally, lifting a travel pamphlet to his face. "They've got all sorts of things there. The Eiffel Tower, fine cuisine, the catacombs, that cool accent..."

Isabella peered over his shoulder. "You know what they say about Paris?"

He turned to her. "Oh, yes. It's the city of l-"

"-Love?"

"-Lights. But yeah, I guess it's that too."

Isabella shrugged. Close enough for government work. "I'm so happy all our parents let us spend Christmas over there with you. It's gonna be so great! I actually got no sleep last night thinking about it. I might just pass out in the car."

For the first time, Phineas noticed the bags underneath Isabella's eyes. At this point the two were interrupted by Candace, who retrieved the pamphlet from her brother. "Okay, give me this. Phineas, put together your suitcase, and Isabella's is already in the van. But remember not to forget your string bag."

"I certainly won't," Isabella agreed, slipping it over her shoulders. "Are we about ready to leave?"

"Wait, no!" Phineas demanded, abruptly. "We can't leave now. We haven't found Perry yet!"

"Oh, that reminds me," Candace followed. "Where _is_ Perry?"

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! At six A-M..._

"So, Perry the Platypus," a maniacal Drusselstinian accent began, "As I was saying before that jump-rope tangent, this very small piece of pizzazium infinionite is the most important part of the Tank-Top-Inator. Without it, the whole plan would be rubbish."

Perry checked his watch; he did not have time for this. A little negotiating with Doofenshmirtz convinced the evil scientist to run his scheme in the early morning for convenience, yet he was still bound to be late for his family trip.

An agitated chatter, and in one swift movement, he was able to snatch the container from the man's clutches. This would do enough for a thwarting, he decided, based on what the doctor had said. He parachuted off the balcony into the frozen air.

"Well, that was quick," Doof noted. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus! Oh, and have a good vacation!"

With a final defeated fist shake, Doofenshmirtz found an idea dawning on him. "Hey, wait a sec. All is not lost! All I need to do is invent a pizzazium infinionite locator, and I can get my scheme back! And with Perry the Platypus on vacation, no one will be there to stop me. No one! Wahahahahah!"

The evil cackle was dripping with satisfaction. "Merry Christmas, Heinz," he said contentedly, patting himself on the back for the idea. He ran off to get inventing.

* * *

"No, no-no-no-no-no, we just can't be missing Perry!" Phineas's gaze darted back and forth across the room, finally settling on a wall clock that read sometime near seven in the morning. "And we can't miss our flight, either. Ferb and I even invented something to turn the garage upside-down to look for him, but so far there's been no sign."

"We'll look for him," Isabella proposed, Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet lined up behind her. "I'm sure he'll turn up."

"He's gotta."

Meanwhile, the popular platypus was secretly entering his owners' bedroom. He had to think quickly for a suitable hiding place for the radioactive material.

The approaching footsteps alerted him to his lack of time. In his hurry to retain cover, he settled for tossing it under Phineas's pillow before returning to pet mode.

The door burst open, and Ferb immediately recognised what his next action must be. He scooped Perry up in his arms; the distraught platypus watched the room back away from him as he was carried away by Ferb, and was the only one who saw the faint green glow at the head of a certain mattress.

* * *

The next few minutes were hectic ones. One curious triangle-headed boy and his silent half-brother stood outside the van, relinquishing in the chaos. "Whaddya say, Thor?" Thaddeus Thorne begged of his companion, "How about we try out our new voice changers?"

Thor Thatcher held out the small microphones, one of which was immediately snatched up by his brother. "This oughtta be funny." He turned his on; Thor had no need.

Ferb ushered Isabella into the back seat of the rented minivan, and the girl promptly sat on the side of the window next to him and fell asleep the moment her head hit the glass. Ferb removed her hand from his, correctly assuming she had mistaken it for his brother's. Someone handed him the travel carrier Perry had been stuffed into, and he just barely made out the role call Candace took in the seat in front of him.

"Alright - Mom, Dad, me, Isabella, Ferb, I got Perry... Buford and Baljeet?"

"Here and here!" The Indian boy announced, only to be cut off by his friend who was content muttering nonsense in French.

"Phineas?"

A bit of uncomfortable silence.

"Hey! Triangle-head, are you with us?"

Instinctively, as this was not an uncommon nickname for the child, Thaddeus opened his somewhat changed mouth and voiced like an unmistakable Flynn, "What?"

Candace turned back around. "That's everyone," she informed her mother, who promptly closed the sliding doors.

* * *

"I've gotta be honest, guys: I'm not finding him anywhere," Phineas stated to the house that he failed to notice was empty. "But I did find the mime translator, so someone can pack that up."

The only sounds that answered him were those of the occasional cricket. "Guys?"

* * *

Linda handed everyone their boarding passes and passports at the terminal gate. "Candace, here's yours. Ferb. I've got Perry's NPE... Lawrence, why is yours printed entirely in blue font?"

"Because blue is my favourite colour!" He stated simply, accepting the paperwork with a grin exclusive to Lawrence Fletcher.

"O-Okay, then," Linda accepted, too busy comprehending the logic to notice she was missing a son.

* * *

Phineas roamed the house. "Very funny, everyone," he chided, hanging onto the hope that this was all some big joke. "Candace? Ferb? You can all come out now."

Crickets were quickly climbing the brief list of Phineas's least favorite animals. "Perry?"

He did not quite know what he was expecting with that one.

"Isabella?"

Adrenaline pumped into his system. Was he really all alone? Where was his family, and how long ago had they left? He got the feeling this was what it felt like to find oneself stranded on a distant, barren planet. He reached for his cell phone.

* * *

Candace grunted her way down the aisle. She watched as her parents lifted suitcase after suitcase into the overhead compartment. She was carrying two: her own, and her biological brother's. "Why can't you just carry your own suitcase?" She felt no reason to make the question louder than a mumble, seeing as she expected no answer either way (except possibly a scolding from Mom). Candace hoisted the red luggage into the now-occupied storage cavity.

* * *

Phineas's hand found emptiness in his pocket, discounting a few sticks of bubblegum (one of which he slowly opened and put inside his mouth). "Well, Shooty McShootenstien. Phone's in the suitcase."

He jogged to the front of the house and could see his mom's station wagon. That did not do him much good; he knew they were supposed to have rented a vehicle. The first flurries of morning snow started coming down, forcing Phineas to meet reality. "Wow. I'm at home, alone."

Another realization hit. "I've got the whole house to myself!"

* * *

"Finished! I'm finished! The pizzazium infinionite locator is all ready to go. Now let's see where Perry the Platypus hid that container."

Doofenshmirtz fired up the small, handheld device. It honed in on the nearest signal it could find, then zoomed out to show the house on a map as if on a GPS locator.

"Fourteen-Twenty-three Maple Drive," he read aloud. "Sweet, that's not far from here. But why would Perry the Platypus plant it in a residential area? Does that make any sense?"

He then remembered Vanessa was with Charlene for the holiday, and thus no one was around to answer him. "I've gotta get something," he decided. "New Year's resolution: design a piece of artificial intelligence to whom I can rant and receive witty answers and scheme flaws. You know, for when Vanessa and Perry the Platypus aren't here."

He dropped what he was doing and looked up in realization. "Again, _who_ am I talking to?"

* * *

"You know, something just doesn't seem right," Linda remarked, gazing out the airplane window. They had been in the air for a few hours now, and the plane was somehow a lot less noisy than she had anticipated.

"I can't say, dear," chided her husband, who looked up from his magazine.

"I don't know, it just seems as if..."

She didn't finish. In the seat behind her, a now-awakened Isabella poked at the woman. "Did you see where Phineas is sitting? He isn't with me, or with Candace, Ferb, and Perry over there. Is he in another-"

Linda's mind made the connection as to which optimistic voice had been missing over the conundrums of holiday travel. He, however, had not pulled an all-nighter. The now-distraught woman bolted upright in her seat, one word bright on her mind.

"PHINEAS!"

* * *

Phineas imagined he would never have had more freedom than was given to him during summer vacation; a few hours as the man of the house proved that perhaps he was mistaken. Simply because he could, the boy quickly fired up his parents' house speakers and cranked the first Christmas song he found pleasant; this happened to be "Run Rudolph Run." To his own vocal rendition of the piece played over the visual, he could be seen engaging in the montage of any child's dreams. Helping himself to the family's stashes of cookies, ice cream, and peanut butter (occasionally all at once), playing soccer on the ceiling using a small gravity reverse switch, raiding Candace's room for interesting knickknacks (he found nothing but cutouts of some blonde teenager he assumed she went to school with), stuffing the freezer with snowballs for use next summer, preparing himself an entire pitcher of hot chocolate topped with jumbo marshmallows; he did it all. At the montage's conclusion, he could be seen walking up to a mirror in a steamy bathroom, wearing nothing but a light green towel from the waist down. His image in the mirror aimed directly at the camera, he picked up one of Lawrence's spray bottles and gave it a little shake.

A smug grin quickly played out on his lips. "Come on, this was obligatory," he retorted, spraying each of his hands. No sooner than he had stopped speaking had both hands hit his cheeks, and the predictable scream echoed throughout the house and down the street.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz's head perked up. "Woah, someone sounds like they're in pain," he observed. "Either that, or in a _lot_ more debt than they thought they were. Anyway, where am I supposed to find this thing?"

He shifted his attention from driving to the locator on his lap. "Fourteen-Twenty-five, Fourteen-Twenty-four... Fourteen-Twenty-Three. This is the one."

He was about to leave the small pickup when he saw Phineas leave through the front door. The boy appeared to be checking the mailbox, or coming out to shovel the driveway - nothing he would not expect a child to be ordered to do by one or more parents. He gave Doofenshmirtz an inquisitive look, as if asking what the man was doing, idly sitting in front of the house he dare not allow him to know was empty.

It seemed that Phineas was not going to interact with the strange man unless interacted with first. "Hey, kid," Doofenshmirtz called, growing impatient. Phineas's head bolted up.

Not quite knowing the danger, but holding back just in case his safety was to be compromised, the triangular child approached. "What's the problem, mister?"

Doofenshmirtz was to the point. "Are your parents home?"

"Of course," he retorted.

"May I speak to them?"

Phineas eyed him suspiciously. "Nooo..."

He could read Doofenshmirtz's face and the elaboration it requested. "Mom's in the shower and Dad's all busy. You don't want to bother him when he's working."

"Oh." This seemed to appease the credulous Doofenshmirtz. "Alright, can I ask you something then?"

Phineas swallowed, and allowed him to continue. "My nemesis took something from me earlier today, and hid it in this house. See this little green dot?"

He held up the locator, and Phineas squinted to better see the indicated area. He dumbly nodded.

"That's mine. Can I just get in and get it?"

Phineas furrowed his brow at Doofenshmirtz. "My parents said not to let anyone in the house that we don't know."

A few seconds passed. "Shouldn't your parents be at work right about now?"

Part of Phineas wanted to ask the same question about him. "They - work at night," he blurted, trying to cover his tracks.

"Okay. When at night?"

Although he knew how bad of a liar he was, he did not want to sound unreliable; so he said the first thing that came to mind. "Uh - nine."

Doofenshmirtz eyed him and shifted back into drive. "Good to know."

The evil scientist drove away to worried shouts of, "Wait, mister! Come back!"

Phineas shook his head in frustration. There was no doubt that man was coming back for whatever he lost, and would likely be there around nine o'clock. He did not fully comprehend what this talk of nemeses and green dots was, but he did not like it.

Only one thing was certain: his house was being invaded at nine, and he had to protect it.

* * *

Linda Flynn-Fletcher was no longer used to having an eventful lifestyle. But now, after their plane had touched down in France and the group had coalesced in the airport, the level of worry she felt was beyond any that she had previously experienced. "We don't have Phineas. I've got to get back to him. Phineas is all the way back home in Danville and no one's there to look after him - Isabella!"

The raven-headed girl whipped around. "Yes?"

"Your mother's still at her house, right? She can look after Phineas?"

Isabella's mouth opened cautiously. "Um... She's actually on a work trip right now..."

Linda buried her head in her hands. "Buford? Baljeet?"

"My mother went to visit the Tjinders that live in New York," Baljeet explained. He gave a shiver. "Finally able to escape that trip this year..."

"And yours?"

Buford shrugged. "Too lazy to give a crud."

Linda glared at him, demanding the truth. "Okay, she's in New York too. It's a Van Stomm/Tjinder Christmas tradition. We follow them around and wedgie those who get us lame presents."

"Well, that's not helping. I'll call his cell."

A ringing sounded, and someone picked up after a couple beats. "Hello, this is Phineas Flynn speaking," reported a nasally and alarmingly somewhat-feminine voice. "The boy with a negligent mother who never sees what I do every day and forgets to bring me on vacations-"

Candace noticed the number of disappointing stares she was receiving and unplugged her nose. "Eheh, sorry," she apologized, lowering Phineas's mobile from her mouth.

"Okay, so what can we do?" Linda threw the question out to the group.

"Exchange Phineas's ticket for one back to Danville?" Baljeet suggested. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher shook her head; airlines did not work that way.

"I'd invent a teleport, but that would quickly put all these lovely pilots and flight attendants out of business," Ferb added shamefully.

The small insert of her son's imagination did a better job of lightening the mood than Candace's nasally mockery did. "Well, whatever happens, I'm definitely coming with you," insisted the young Fireside Girl that had laid a comforting hand on Linda's shoulder.

"No, you can stay here, Isabella. Haven't you always wanted to see Paris?"

"Actually, Phineas was just telling me earlier how much he was looking forward to going - and - are you okay, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher?"

It appeared this comment evoked certain emotions in thue frustrated mother. "I'm fine," she admitted after a couple seconds, "I just want my son back."

* * *

When the scene returned to the antics of a much-more-independent-than-normal Phineas, the boy could be seen sitting in a peaceful church setting, with carols of the choir heard faintly in the background. Phineas was sitting amidst a mostly empty room next to only a distraught-looking Francis Monogram.

"I don't know, sir," the youth was comfortingly chiding, "Maybe your son will grow up to like acrobatics training."

Suddenly, the large clock on the back wall sounded mightily; it was now eight o'clock PM. Phineas turned sharply at the noise and knew he had to be home.

"I'm sorry, I have to go now," he quietly excused himself. "Merry Christmas, Mr. M."

A high-tempo and insanely Christmas beat started up as Phineas bounded home, pulling his moose-adorned winter cap farther down his head. It continued for the next montage of Phineas's various preparations for the anticipated invasion.

He set to work immediately after shrugging off his winter gear. First things first: he hooked up a hologram to the front door that shielded its existence from the eyes of those who did not know of the trick, and another next to it that secretly concealed a 'Portal to Someplace Unpleasant', as could be seen on the box out of which it came. The station wagon was lowered into the ground via a platform he found leading into the space underneath the house. Specific shapes were cut out of sheets of platinum and subsequently drilled against the insides of the windows. Light switches were bugged, trip wires were instated, even the Christmas tree was rigged. An hour and a few last-minute inventions later, the redhead stood armed in the heart of the house, ready to put his plan into action.

The kitchen stove beeped twice at the stroke of nine. Mere seconds later, he heard the first knocks, and the return of the raspy voice.

"Hey, kid! You in there? I need to get that thing back now!"

Phineas did not answer the stranger, but muttered a couple encouraging words to himself instead.

"Can you open up? It's getting kind of cold out here. I forgot my only coat at the dry-cleaners the other day."

When still only silence answered, Doof checked his watch and came to a conclusion. "Alright, he must not be home now. Well, I hate to do this, but sometimes to be evil you've gotta raid a fifth-grader's house for pizzazium infinionite."

Oblivious to the tortures that awaited him inside, he tried the knob with his right hand to find it surprisingly unlocked. The hologram swung open, and Doof swaggered through.

The room he found himself in was dark enough that only his eyes remained illuminated. Two sniffs could be heard before the scientist audibly pondered, "Is that melaleuca I smell?"

He felt along the walls until his fingers graced a light switch. Activating it caused two things to happen. The first was the revelation that his cell was in fact the sea of pink that was the abode of Candace Flynn ("Wow, this is unpleasant," Doof observed).

The second was the release of a spring-loaded boxing glove as tall as Phineas himself that knocked Doofenshmirtz out of the second-story window - shattering the glass on his way - and pummeling down through the bare maple tree in the house's backyard. Upon hitting the ground, the evil scientist began to realize the direty with which his mission was blatantly being made harder. "Okay," he voiced, "This might be harder than I thought."

Yet Doofenshmirtz was not one to give up so easily. Thinking better than to enter the sliding glass door in the back, the man headed straight for the side window. It was also unlocked, and an easy open - until he noticed the metal casing covering the opening.

Just to test the reinforcement on the panel, he pushed forward at the top with one hand. Surprisingly, it gave easily; there was only one point on each side of the window where the sheet was kept in place, allowing it to swing out into the house.

Snickering heartily to himself, Doofenshmirtz climbed the sill. He clambered into the house headfirst, the metal giving horizontally and dispensing him onto a whipped cream-smothered floor.

It took him a second to realize what happened. A few vain attempts to stand back up on the slippery surface gained him nothing but even more of the dairy topping spreading over his clothes. Finally, he was able to stand up without slipping, revealing the humiliating new mask he obtained upon his face's collision with the ground.

"Alright, it is on now!" He bellowed, not caring whether or not anyone was there to hear him.

He stomped clumsily into the opening, where the small child from before stood next to a machine that did not look unlike on of his own -Inators. Looking a bit flustered, the redheaded boy quickly plugged the thing in and it started whirring up. Doof braced for impact. He needed to: the machine's purpose was to hurl a barrage of snowballs at him, all in rapid-fire.

Phineas fled the scene, but not before giving a victorious fist-pump for his successful efforts thus far. At this rate, he would have the intruder out before one could ask where Perry was.

Doofenshmirtz, now covered in whipped cream and snow, persevered. At Phineas's departure from the room, a stirring arose from under his pile. The man shakily stood up, drastically weaker than when he started.

"I've got to get that pizzazium," he reminded himself, spitting out some of the frozen stuff. A _clang!_ resounded in the direction of the living room. Phineas watched from the kitchen as Doof followed after the noise of the spatula he had cleverly thrown in that direction.

He had no time to watch the man stumble through his traps, however, if he wanted to forward his plan. Therefore Doof went unnoticed as he trudged after the sound, unaware of the trip wire he triggered upon entering the room.

He heard the shots ring out from the wall before he saw them. The Drusselstinian man whipped around at the sound of darts flying towards him, instinctively shielding himself with his left arm.

Five hit directly, each lined up in such a way that the words written across each could be easily legible:

_Yes,_  
_This_  
_Is_  
_Venom_

The last dart pictured a slightly out-of-place yet obviously taunting drawing of a smiley face. Doofenshmirtz had no clue how such a young child could get hold of such a substance (as he was not yet aware that platypuses possessed venomous ankle barbs, or that Phineas possessed a platypus), but he certainly was not questioning the pain it brought. The moment he was done reading the message, his left arm went entirely limp.

"Aw, badness that hurts!" He announced, ripping the needles out of the infected limb. "Man, I might need to get this amputated now!"

It became clear he was not to be using his arm for a while. "Now where'd you run off to?"

The Christmas tree: of course. It was big enough to provide protection for two little kids, and dense enough for three. Finally learning to watch where he stepped, Doofenshmirtz cautiously made his way towards the tree.

"Gotcha!" He declared, shoving aside some branches with his good arm. The eyes he met were not the ones he expected, however; a pair of no-longer-sleeping squirrels took the opportunity to leap out and run up and down he who disrupted their slumber.

Doofenshmirtz's scream echoed across town, where a small blonde-haired girl looked up from her coloring and took note of the man's traumatized yells of, _"There's squirrels in my pants!"_

Phineas let the cringe go and unplugged his ears. Inevitably finding the intruder's pain hilarious, the boy went for the taunt.

"Hey, bad guy! I'm over here if you want any more justice!"

Phineas was never sadistic in nature, of course, but he did have to remind himself that this was for the greater good. Shortly following, the notably beat-up burglar appeared in the kitchen entranceway. "I told you, I'm looking for something I lost! You could use some justice for putting me through this torture!" He failed to notice one of the squirrels still hanging by its teeth onto his left fingertips; his pants were so tattered at the ends they may just as well have been shorts.

"So you're ready to give up?"

"Never!"

Phineas shrugged. "If you say so," he returned jovially, before pulling a string that dangled next to him from the ceiling. Doof's eyes followed the string along the upside wall, where it stopped at a net right above his head. A net that contained bowling balls.

He only had one hand to block the falling weight this time. If not for his abnormally high tolerance for pain, he would have been knocked out with multiple head injuries, but somehow he remained standing while the tirade of balls took turns leaping down, onto, and just as quickly off of his cranium.

"Ugh, is that all you got, kid?" He spluttered, not even interested anymore in learning Phineas's name. "I'll get you good for this."

Phineas's response to the threat was to discreetly produce a matchbox behind his back, lighting it without the doctor knowing. When Doof charged at him, Phineas expertly wiped the small flame against the white of the lab coat.

The doctor noticed the growing flames immediately. Phineas was allowed to sit there smugly while he attempted to remove the jacket with one arm.

Doofenshmirtz threw the burning cloth on the floor and repeatedly stomped out the embers, able to salvage just enough so that the article was wearable. He hastily slipped it back on and took more easily evadable swings at Phineas. His left arm flopped whichever way his shoulder threw it.

Doofenshmirtz got understandably tired after a few seconds of this. "Hey," he panted, "I'm getting kinda worn out. Think we can take a water break?"

In response, Phineas removed the vegetable hose from the kitchen sink and gave Doofenshmirtz a good dousing. "Should I take that as a no?"

One more spray. "Fair enough."

And with this, the comically harmed Heinz took off out the other side of the kitchen, no longer caring to look out for further traps. He pulled the locator out of his pocket, grateful the screen was still intact. "This way," he whispered to himself, making his way in the direction of the staircase.

But somehow Phineas had predicted this, and was already waiting at the top when Doof arrived. "Where are you going?" The boy asked, smug as he had grown to be.

"I need to get the chemical."

Phineas pondered. "Chemical..." So that was what the man was looking for. This just kept getting better - if he could get the man to give up the chase, he may very well be rewarded with a fascinating new energy source or otherwise. This renewed his zeal for driving out the stranger.

He acted on it accordingly. Doofenshmirtz was swiftly although not very gracefully advancing up the stairs, where he briefly looked up to see Phineas tipping a bucket over and letting its contents spill out over the stairwell.

His eyes went wide: how was he supposed to climb up with that many marbles hurtling down towards him? The small, round glass pieces flitted about the area like atoms diffusing out of a container into the atmosphere, bouncing and rebounding and ricocheting off each other, the walls, the floor, and of course, Doofenshmirtz, who stood no chance remaining on two feet. The moment one came down on a marble, he flipped backwards and tumbled headfirst back to the main floor.

"I landed on my _thumb!_"

Phineas chuckled at that. Even with only the one arm to keep himself balanced, he had little belief that anyone could accidentally be that clumsy.

The next and final stop was to be his own room. He allowed the bumbling man to follow him this time, but saved the trip wire for its intended victim.

"Hey, I can move my arm again!"

When Doof's lanky ankle collided with the trap, the expected results failed to disappoint: "Oof! Never mind."

This was the blunt of that attack, however, and Doofenshmirtz gave chase again. Phineas strapped a large, pistol-shaped machine over his shoulder and waited in the bedroom for the target to appear.

He had some words to say before firing the beam. He began, "Are you done yet?"

"Not until I get that-" Doofenshmirtz gasped. "Under that pillow! That green light - that's gotta be it!"

Phineas refused to look back for fear that the man was simply pulling his leg. "Doesn't matter. It's in my house, it's in my room, it's mine now. And I don't want you in my house anymore. So I'm going to send you home, okay?"

He did not wait for an answer, instead flipping the safety off his machine. "And don't come back!"

He fired the beam, and Doofenshmirtz disappeared from the room completely.

Phineas looked around. "Alright, I think I have some cleaning up to do." He lowered his brow as the realization of his responsibility kicked in.

* * *

The silence that overtook Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated that night was interrupted by a sudden popping sound. Doofenshmirtz appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, sitting on the cold, metallic floor. He wore nothing but the remains of his singed labcoat and tattered pants (apparently his shirt and shoes were accidentally mistransported to another location). A fine layer of snow had already accumulated on the balcony where the evil scientist found himself.

"A machine that sends whomever it hits to their home," he mused, referring to the invention by which he was affected. "I might just use that one day."

He got up weakly, shuddering at the freeze that surrounded him. "But one thing is for sure - I am _not_ going back to that house!"

The hand he possessed control over was placed comfortably on its respective hip. "And so I repeat myself. Who am I talking to!?"

* * *

The air even inside the house was cool when Phineas's body shifted awake the next morning. One thought propelled his actions forwards as he thrusted the heavy red sheets of his parents' bed aside: it was now Christmas morning!

He paused a second before exiting the room, for the outside window had grabbed his attention. The world outside was blindingly white with a good foot or two of snow - at least. Deciding to wait no longer, he took off bounding downstairs to see if anything had been deposited beneath the tree. Had he waited a mere second longer, he would have seen a yellow van pull up to the street in front of his house and a woman in a brown coat stepping out of it.

Phineas's eyes went wide. The house was just as he had left it last night, with each and every one of his comical traps and excruciating pranks cleaned up or disposed of. The space beneath the tree was entirely bare, except from a single folded-up slip of paper. The boy cautiously approached, unfolded the note, and read it carefully.

_Phineas,_

_Sorry I couldn't deliver here this year. I realized a tad too late that your gifts were still in Paris. Hope this will make up for it!_

_Merry Christmas,  
S. Claus_

"...Make up for it..?" The boy questioned the writer's wording, but was not able to for long. As he finished reading, new words appeared on the page in gold calligraphy.

_This message will self-destruct in 3... 2..._

The boy stared, dumbfounded, at his hands while the piece of paper disappeared in a puff of smoke. He was not quite awake yet, and was not ready to try making something of Santa's riddle.

Yet he soon discovered he did not need to. Behind him, a key turned in a lock, and the front door glided open.

His mother's voice was just as he had remembered it. "Phineas?"

He turned around slowly. Then he broke into a jog to meet the speaker at the front door. The woman's face exerted apology and relief in a million-to-million ratio.

"Mom?"

That was enough to cause both mother and son to break into their own unique shows of emotion. The former wrapped her arms around the latter and hugged like she never hugged before. "Merry Christmas, Phineas."

Phineas returned the sentiment and asked, "Where is everyone else?"

Linda stopped. "I-They wanted to come, but - there wasn't-"

At that moment, the front door burst open again, and through it bumbled the mad rush of children and conversation and Lawrence that proved whatever Linda was about to say incorrect. Ferb carried the travel cage of a somewhat relieved-looking Perry. "Guys!" Phineas beamed, "You made it, too!"

Linda's jaw dropped as she made this connection as well. "How did you-"

"You won't believe it, Phineas," Isabella insisted. "Santa himself came by this morning to pick us up! I guess all we really wanted this year was to see you again."

"But if that was the case," interjected Baljeet, "...Why did he leave all of _these_ for us as well?"

With that, he revealed the festively-wrapped box from behind his back. Everyone carried one or two, it seemed, enough for a traditional Christmas gift unwrapping.

Phineas beamed again, and even Linda smiled. "You guys are too much," she said, welcoming them all inside.

The screen panned away from the outside of the house, as joyous voices could be heard cheering in a collective holiday ruckus. The talking then died down just for a moment, for enough time for Candace's voice to be heard clearly: "Phineas! What did you do to my window!?"

* * *

_During the credits..._

Phineas fingered the pizzazium infinionite container in his robe pocket; he'd find a use for it one day. He, Ferb, and Isabella each looked up in stark realization when Baljeet brought to light a certain something they were forgetting: "Where is Buford?"

An ocean away, Buford Van Stomm sat by his lonesome at a Paris café, peering into a fancy-looking menu. A hand tapped him twice on the shoulder, gaining his attention.

"Excuse me," a French-accented girl about his age began. "May I sit here? Zere does not seem to be any uhzer empty seats."

Buford rolled his eyes; he should have known the girls here would all flock to his attractive American self. "Fine," he agreed. "Buford's the name. You got one?"

"Brigitte."

She sat down, picked up a menu, and did not say another word. Buford's eyes grew larger than he had ever felt them.

* * *

**"Run Rudolph Run" was the song Phineas montage-d to up there because that is the one he sings on the Holiday Favorites album, just without the Isabella part at the end. I don't own it, in case anyone was wondering.**

**And in case anyone was wondering, yes, I have fell head first down a flight of stairs and landed on my thumb once. If there's one part of this that should be believable, it's that one.**

**Anyway, may everyone have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, enjoyable Kwanzaa, a good whatever else you're celebrating right about now, or, if you're atheist, nothing! (As my band conductor would say.) In any case, wishing everyone a happy new year, and Carpe Diem all throughout 2016!**


	7. Flaws of Nature

**Um... I really don't have anything to say here, except that I like this one. :3 I've been saving some of my best gags for it, and it includes my 200,000th published word on here!**

* * *

"I don't really know... It sounds like fun, but I get the feeling doing it on the moon would just be a really slow and underwhelming version of doing it on Earth."

Ferb held up a different set of blueprints, to which Phineas responded, "No, it probably wouldn't be too different on Venus, either. You just can't get good bungee jumping out in space."

Ferb lowered his eyelids. "I mean, I'm not scared or anything. It's just that sometimes I wish inspiration would come just a little easier. Like if I just held out my hands and it would-"

As he was speaking, Phineas demonstrated his desire: his outstretched hands and their instinctive reaction to wrap themselves around what had landed in them had cut him off.

"Well, that worked."

The two boys eyed the throwing disk Phineas had caught. "Hey, can I have that back?"

They turned to the voice, which belonged to a certain Ballpit Kid peeking over the fence. "Sorry. I threw it from this yard."

"Oh, no problem," Phineas responded, flicking it back to the grateful extra. "In fact, I think I know what we're gonna do today!"

"No. No, you don't!" Candace demanded after pushing her way through the glass door. "And even if you thought you do, you don't. Unless you're talking about getting busted, in which case, bingo!"

She crossed her arms and grinned at the prospect. "I'll be sure of it."

"Actually, I was thinking more like-"

"Nooo! Don't even tell me! I'm going to find out for myself, and when I do..."

Candace held up a small, black digital camera, as if threateningly. "...So will Mom."

"Okay," Phineas allowed. "So let's get to work."

In agreement, Ferb held up a drill.

"Hey, where's Perry?" Phineas wondered.

* * *

"That's a good platypus. That's such a good monotreme! Yes, you are..."

Isabella's pet-reserved sweet talk was somewhat appreciated by the incognito secret agent. Not having received a call from the agency yet, he was content helping his owners' friends in whatever it was they wanted to accomplish with him.

A dark hand opened up in front of the girl who held him, and in it was an unmistakable Fireside Girls Accomplishment Patch. "Alright, there's one Animal Lovers Patch for you, and one for me," Holly said, proudly showing off the new, circular addition to her sash.

"Already?" Isabella looked up. Now that she thought about it, the inside of the Lodge was looking a little ridiculous - there were animals everywhere. She noticed Milly trying to fend off some squirrels, smiled at the amount of kittens affectionately clinging to Katie, and looked away as Adyson playfully noogied a goat. Meanwhile, Gretchen was sitting off in the corner with a box of tissues, complaining about her many allergies to the animals in the room. "I guess you're right. We've all earned it."

She placed Perry down, stood up straight, and used two fingers to loudly whistle for the girls' attention. "Hey, everyone! We're all done with these guys. Holly's got the patches, we can put all the animals back. But we still have plenty of time left today, so I'm open to suggestions."

The other six each then produced their copy of the Pocket Abridged Fireside Girls Manual Table of Contents, looking for patch names that sounded appealing. "How about this one?" Ginger proposed, pointing to a picture of one that caught her eye. "I always found trigonometry interesting."

"That's calculus, Ginger."

"Right..."

Katie spoke up. "I wasn't there when we got the Cool Acronyms Patch. I could use one of those."

"I can use an epipen," Gretchen returned.

"How about this?" Suggested Adyson, "The Astrology Patch."

Isabella lit up. "That's the one."

* * *

By the time Isabella was finished with Perry, the monotreme was so rattled he began to quiver in her chihuahua's signature manner. Discreetly, he shook himself out of it and slipped out of the cabin.

On two feet now, Perry grappling hook-ed up the side of the building.

Still making sure he was unseen, the formally-capped platypus climbed into the chimney webbed feet-first. He lowered his eyelids determinedly as it shifted downwards so that it formed a 45-degree angle with the roof, then blasted him off cannon-style in the direction of a certain purple building.

He was to be debriefed on his way there, his beeping wristwatch implied. Monogram's image flickered onto the machine's surface.

"Good morning, Agent P. Thanks again for testing the new entrance for Agent Pinky from Wanda's division, how did you get there so fast?

"Anyway, it seems Doofenshmirtz is doing his research again. This time, it's neuroscience. He's been actively studying the centers of the human brain concerned with memory and - of all things - gullibility. We need you to make sure to stop whatever he's up to!"

By the time Monogram had clicked off, Perry's momentum from the chimney cannon had almost completely worn off, and he was now free-falling to the ground again. "Yeah... It seems the cannons weren't calibrated enough," Monogram momentarily beeped on again to say. "Just use your jetpack instead or something."

Perry then rustled the vines of a thorn bush with the weight of his body.

* * *

"I kissed a squirrel and I liked i-it," a crouching Buford could be heard mumbling to himself as he got up from double-knotting his _**TUFF SHOO LAYSIZZ! **_"What?" He spat, upon receiving strange looks from his friends, "I ain't singin'!"

"We... Didn't say you were," Phineas informed. "Anyway, I was thinking. What say you on big robots for today?"

"Didn'tcha already do that?"

"Nah, just the one. And these serve an entirely different purpose. You know those throwing disks..."

Phineas's voice grew distant, indicating movement away from him. From behind the gate into the backyard, Isabella and her troops were conversing about their plan of action.

"Alright, there are seven of us, and four of them," the leader counted before opening a large book. "It says here that there are twelve signs, so we don't have one of each. We'll have to make do."

"Okay, so why are we here again?" A curious Milly wondered.

"Well, here's something you don't know about astrology," explained Adyson slyly, "It's supposed to determine what kind of person you'll fall in _love _with!"

Many of the other girls giggled at this; Holly gave a well-placed, "That explains a lot."

"That's not the _only _reason, Adyson," countered Isabella. "You're with me on this, right, Ginger?"

The Japanese-American girl saluted. "Sir, yes, sir!"

"See? Good. Now, whaddo we got..." Isabella flipped through the book. "Astrology is based on birthdays, so that makes me - Gemini."

"Oh, me next," Ginger requested.

Isabella held up a hand. "Hm... August seventeenth - a Leo!"

"Um, that's not my birthday..." Ginger complained.

"No, not you; Phineas!"

Everyone groaned at this. "Oh, like you wouldn't be just the slightest bit interested? Just wait one second, I'm going to see if we match up!"

"Yeah, let's let Isabella do that," Katie instructed. "I can tell you all you want to know about astrology. See, I'm an Aquarius..."

"Traitor," the leader whispered under her breath as the others crowded around Katie. "Anyway, a Gemini and a Leo..."

Through the ruckus of construction sounds emanating from the adjacent backyard, a high-pitched yelp sounded. Phineas looked up from the waistline of a robot the size of his house and quipped, "Strange. This might be the second time this summer that that _wasn't _Candace," before flipping his welding mask back down and returning to work.

"Oh, goodness! What, Isabella?"

The girl in pink trembled with the book open in her hands, requesting sympathy from whichever one of the girls had called her. "It-it's not on here. It says nothing about Geminis and Leos! Only Libra, Aquarius-"

"I think Ferb's a Libra," interrupted Gretchen.

Awkwardly, a beat passed...

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

Perry the Platypus rather preferred using his jetpack for transportation: it was much better at letting him crash through walls than the cannon. Once properly inside the apartment of his nemesis, he powered off the rocket and struck his signature landing pose.

It was only tentative, however; this was not the room he was looking for. The pastel pink patterned wallpaper starkly contrasted the futuristic dark green and purple he was expecting. Even more curiously, the Drusselstinian doctor was nowhere to be found.

In his place was the turned back of a plump, on-the-verge-of-old woman with her hair in curlers. "Good heavens!" She exclaimed, "What was that? Is Tony scratching at the walls again?"

When she turned around, Perry noticed the fluffy white and orange feline she caressed in her arms. "Now, Angelina, don't be scared. Mommy's got you," she crooned, then to Perry: "So what in tarnation are you?"

Realizing he had definitely hit the wrong floor, Perry nervously raised his hands. He had heard tales of the illustrious neighbor Mrs. Thompson downstairs, and was less than prepared to face the obvious cat lady.

A slender, black creature rubbed up against him as he hastily withdrew a wallet to repay the damage he'd caused. "Oh, don't mind Vinnie. He just loves people! Loves them to death! Hey, why is it you're giving me money now?"

With a tip of his hat, Perry hit ignition on the jetpack. "Huh. Well, he sure seemed like a nice fellow, just coming in to pay me cash. Perhaps I'll use it to fill in the giant, gaping hole he left in the wall."

Outside, a hovering Perry sent the camera a flat glance as he heard her consider, "But then, a vacation to the South Carolina beaches sounds rather dandy right now!"

* * *

"And, one last screw - then we're done!" An excited Phineas lowered himself to ground level to inspect his creations. Three considerably large robots stood upright in the yard, and in front of them, a cylindrical container the size of a shed and roughly the shape of a throwing disk.

"That's great!" Irving's voice could be heard (no one had seen him come in). "I'll get a picture to commemorate!"

Next to him, Buford finished off the last of whatever liquid his plastic, red party cup contained at the same time as Irving raised his camera. One second before the inevitable flash went off, the bully thrusted his refuse into its field of view.

"Hey, half of it is all red for some reason!" Irving complained, eying the camera thoroughly, inspecting it for anything that would have caused a malfunction.

"Photocup!" Buford enthusiastically informed before crushing the plastic container and tossing it at the frustrated photographer. "Like a photobomb, but with a cup."

* * *

Perry counted the floors with his webbed fingers this time before deciding which one through which to smash. And this time, he was relieved to find the sinister lab of Doofenshmirtz greeting him.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, you're incredibly late today!" Doof kindly observed. "And by 'incredibly', you know I mean _absolutely credibly!_"

A flip of a large wall-mounted switch later, and Perry found himself incapacitated by two converging halves of a large flowerpot. "I mean, seriously, you had me waiting like eleven minutes for you! Does this have anything to do with the earthquake that just happened? The whole building had shaken just like it does whenever you crash through my wall!"

Perry inwardly cringed, yet remained outwardly stoic and collected. "Anyway, before I show you my -Inator, I need to ask: do you believe in tree-people?"

This time, Perry let his confusion show. "I mean, not people who live in trees; like, actual anthropomorphic trees. Because I just had a dream last night where I was stuck with a small one - like, all day - and it was totally convinced I was whatever mixed-up species it was. The whole time, can you believe it?

"Eventually, I had to explain to him (her? It?) _in song form _that I'm a human. I made up a song in my _dream, _Perry the Platypus! Crazy, right?"

He then turned the other way to grab the king-sized sheet off his latest invention. "Anyway, that's the reason I decided to make my Disbelieve-Inator!"

Perry's continued look of confusion evidenced his failure to draw the connection. "Oh, what, that wasn't a good enough segway for you? It's just, how the thing never believed me when I said I was a human. It was so frustrating, I figure with Roger's press conference today and everything, he might learn to _appreciate_ being so convincing all the time - when no one believes a word he says!"

This evil laugh was more of a series of ecstatic evil squeaks. "I'm gonna go fire it up."

* * *

"_Ferb's _astrological sign matches up with me... _better _than Phineas's does?"

Isabella was terrified at the realization; after all, it was entirely possible that 'Aunt Isabella' could have married either of the two brothers. "It's true! Remember how we had to learn everyone's birthdays for our Naternal Anniversary patches?" Gretchen, to Isabella's horror, reminded her.

"I-I guess it is..."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Pushed Holly, "You should go spend a day with Ferb, see what it's like!"

"Yeah," Adyson agreed, "You might have to get used to it!"

The sickening feeling in Isabella's abdomen intensified. "I'll go in with you," Ginger volunteered. "I want to spend a day with _Baljeet_..."

"You really like him, don't you?" Isabella observed, as the two pushed open the gate.

"More than every other thing I like, combined!" The girl closed the door behind her, allowing the five others to watch from a distance without interfering.

"Well, that's more than I can say about my crush," Isabella found herself admitting.

At that point, Phineas stepped into frame. "Your crush, Isabella?"

Eyes wider than those of a deer caught in the similical deer's in headlights, the poor girl tried desperately to cover her tracks. "No - I mean, I said - _Mike - Rush. _Yeah, that's it! He's - a friend of Katie's?"

"Ooohhh, okay. That makes a lot more sense. Anyway, while you girls are here, why not join us? We're already finished building today's Big Idea!"

"Cool! What does it do?"

"You'll have to see for yourself. Everyone else is already inside. Come on, let's ride it!"

The three opened up the door to the circular riding chamber and buckled themselves in, Isabella strangely making sure to place herself next to Ferb.

"I'm really looking forward to this." She tried to eliminate the worry in her voice. "You're so good at inventing, uh, Ferb."

Only those who knew him well enough could pick out the slight confusion in his demeanor with the following thumbs-up.

Two of the three robots put themselves into position in different areas across town. The remainder approached the ride, picked it up, and threw it to the next like one would a throwing disk. Isabella reached for the hand of the boy next to her, expecting one, but realizing it belonged to the other.

...This was going to be a long day.

* * *

It did not take much for Perry to throw his body weight into the air and come down again, and after a few times, the ceramic pot that contained him effortlessly shattered into countless pieces. Once this was accomplished, he used his downward momentum from the jump to spring up again, this time in the direction of Doofenshmirtz.

"Just imagine the look on his face when _no one _will listen to him at all! It's going to be priceless. Hey, what was - oof!"

As usual, the evil scientist found himself taken down by the small, teal fist of his platypus nemesis. "You know, it's so rude to just interrupt people like that - R-O-O-D, rude! I was talking, you know, but do you care? Apparently not, Perry the _Rude_-apus!"

His lecture had somehow gotten to the usually well-behaved monotreme, and it showed on his guilty face. "That's right, how can you be a good guy and not have any manners? Now, let's try this again. You go over there and let me finish my sentence, _then _you can have at me, okay?"

Reluctantly, Perry nodded. "Now, as I was saying... What was I saying?"

Perry facepalmed, then delivered the promised blow. "Wait, that didn't count!" Doof claimed. "Now, we're going to try this until we get it right. Get over there, and we can try again."

* * *

Minutes later, the Frisbee-themed ride had already come to a stop. The door to the thrown riding chamber opened abruptly, allowing children to spill out.

"Woah! I can't tell left from right!" Phineas dizzily celebrated.

Baljeet agreed: "I cannot tell front from back!"

"Oh, sweet ground!" Buford exclaimed, actively hugging armfuls of sky.

"Whew, that was fun, Ph-Ferb..."

Isabella inwardly cringed. "You know, I-I think I'm going to step outside for a moment. I'll be right back."

Gretchen, Adyson, Milly, Katie, and Holly watched as the girl sped out the gate and down the street, seeming to want to be alone for a while.

"Uh, should we follow her?" The former suggested, but no one was willing to take action on the proposal.

"Aha, I've got you now!" Candace insisted, opening the gate to the backyard. She invested one precious second of busting time to gape at the boys' creations before raising her camera for photographic evidence.

The flash went off, and somehow, the camera remained unharmed within Candace's hands. "Yes! I've gotta show this to Mo- what?"

She was horrified to know that while the picture was able to fit in most of the boys, a large, red something had blocked where the giant robots were standing. "Photocup," Buford explained smugly, withdrawing the plastic container and sipping something out of it.

Candace growled, unsatisfied, and made the decision. "Fine! I'm just going to get Mom for this one. I'll be right back!"

She sprinted inside the house, not bothering to close the door behind her. "Mom, Mom, Mom! Come, you've got to see this!"

Linda Flynn-Fletcher turned around to face her daughter. "Oh, sure, you tell me this every day, and I haven't seen it once; but okay, today I'll be totally open and receptive to the possibility that the boys are criminal masterminds, or whatever, just for you. I have no reason not to believe you, after all."

"Oh, you won't after today," insisted Candace, grabbing her by the arm. "Just wait, you'll see it!"

She led the two out the door, where Phineas, Ferb, Buford, Baljeet, Ginger, and Irving were situated. "So, how awesome was that, anyway?" Phineas was saying, earning a couple whoops and hollers from the other kids who enjoyed the ride. "Oh, hi, Mom."

"Wha- Phineas and Ferb, what are these?" Linda sternly inquired. She gazed up and down one of the towering robots that occupied her backyard.

Candace whipped to face her mother. "Wait, you're really seeing it!?" She shook her by the shoulders. "It didn't disappear before you came out! Who are you, and what did you do with my mother?"

"No, I'm really me, Candace. But I still don't know what these things are, and what they're doing in my backyard."

"Phineas and Ferb made them! Don't you see? Are they busted, or are they busted? Whoo-hoo! So busted!"

* * *

Candace continued her victory dance, while, across town, Perry and Doofenshmirtz were still trying to get their routine right.

"No, Perry the Platypus, you punch me in the face after I ask you how you've escaped. You don't kick me, I want to see your fist! Now, from the beginning. Per-"

By this point, Perry was simply using this opportunity to repeatedly beat his nemesis, all the while stalling for time. "Okay, yeah, you punched me this time, that's good; but you still didn't let me finish my sentence! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is when your nemesis doesn't cooperate?"

This time, the blow from Perry's punch knocked Doofenshmirtz into his -Inator, skewing its aim and causing it to fire. "Seriously, it's worse than biting into a chocolate-chip cookie and finding out it's really oatmeal-raisin!"

* * *

"Hah, hah, alright, I'm done now. So now you have to say you believe me, right?"

Candace looked to her mother with hopeful eyes, which failed to notice a purple beam of light enveloping her for a second. "Why, no. I actually _don't _believe you."

The teen stood up straight. "What? What do you mean?"

"I mean, there's no way your brothers actually built any of this. Come on, now, Candace; you can't really think there are _giant jump-roping robots _in our backyard."

Candace faced the inventions and discovered that they were, in fact, jumping rope. "It always seems to turn out like this with robots," Phineas observed.

His sister gawked. "Well, I mean, I kind of do."

"Oh, silly Candace. Don't you know there are mirages in Danville? It's probably just one of those."

"Mirages? But-but-but - they're really there! Go touch one of them!"

"No, honey, it just isn't possible. I'm going inside."

"But… Argh!"

* * *

Isabella paced the floor of an undefined house, weighing her options. "So astrology wants me to end up with Ferb, not Phineas. That's... going to take some getting used to..."

She did a headstand against the back wall to increase the bloodflow to her head, allowing her to better think about the situation. "Well, I mean, it's not like Phineas was going to figure it out anytime soon, anyway. I-I don't need him. He can't even get a hint."

She could be seen trying to distract herself by sitting down and playing with her hands. "This is the synagog, this is the steeple..."

Next, she laid down on the floor and inspected the ceiling. "I mean, Ferb is a nice guy, and we're already really good friends. It's not like he doesn't care about me, or anything... I guess it might be possible..."

Isabella continued, hugging her knees in the corner. "But what about Phineas? I don't want to lose him! What if he freaks out? What if Ferb freaks out?"

She stood in front of the room's mirror with her hair braided down the middle of her back, with her bow fixed at the top of said braid in the style revealed for the teenage Isabella in "Act Your Age." "I think my hair looks nice like this."

This time she laid on the couch. "It would be so weird, and I've always liked triangles more than rectangles... It was always so obvious, that I'd end up with Phineas... I don't know how to look at him only as a friend anymore!"

She stood with her back to the camera and her hands on her hips. "You know what? I've got to get a grip. I'll end up with whoever I end up with, and if astrology says it has to be Ferb, so be it!"

She then turned around to the side, as if facing someone out-of-frame. "Thanks for letting me sort all this out here. I really appreciate it."

Stacy Hirano blinked at the troubled Fireside Girl. "How did you get in my house?"

* * *

"Oof! You know what, Perry the Platypus? I'm starting to get the feeling you're only doing this because you _want _to! That's so not cool."

Taking this as a signal to get on with the fight, Perry made a quick and successful dash to the self-destruct button. Two things could be heard as he jetpacked away from the building: one explosion and one defeated cry of, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

* * *

Isabella pulled herself together quickly before reopening the gate. "So what happened?" Adyson asked, "Why did you run off like that?"

"I needed some time to think, but now I've made my decision," she declared. "I'm going in.

"Hey, Ferb... Look, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Buford waggled his eyebrows as she took the green-haired lad by the hand to the space behind the tree. "Looks like glove is truly in the air this afternoon."

"Yeah," Phineas agreed, a remote control in his hand. He and Baljeet were staring at a normal-sized baseball glove hovering a few feet above their heads. "I programmed it to float."

"Okay, so today I found out something kind of - interesting about us two..." Isabella began.

She did not expect him to vocally reply. Instead, she took out the astrology book that had been the source of her conflict. "See, the Fireside Girls and I were trying to get our astrology patches today - you know, the study of how the alignment of the stars at one's birth affects their personality - and we couldn't overlook the tenets of zodiac compatibility. And it says in this book, right here, that - well, a Gemini like me, and a Libra like you... How do I say this?"

She leaned in close and whispered the next part. "This book says I'm supposed to be in love with _you_, not Phineas."

Ferb blinked, then lowered his eyelids. "Are you hitting on me?"

"What? No! I mean, I-"

He closed the book in her hands. "Astrology doesn't apply to me," he explained. "Not fully."

Isabella furrowed her brow. "Really? Because this suits you to a T. See, look-" She opened the book back up and fingered along as she read aloud. "'A Libra likes being in a group and is friendly with all sorts of people. They are the peacemakers, who prevent conflicts... They are good listeners, and are diplomatic and intelligent.' That's all you."

He took the book. "It also says we are lazy, talkative attention-seekers."

"Well, true, it does..."

The book snapped shut in his hands, and he gave it back to her. "So, what you're saying is, not to believe everything I read, and to just go by experience?"

He pointed at her and clicked, this time not in flirtation, but in affirmation. "Oh, thanks, Ferb. You know, I was kind of worried there." She let out a nervous laugh, then realized, "So, wait, that means I can go back to liking Phineas again! Hey, Phineas!"

She enthusiastically ran back around the tree to meet the redheaded Leo. Ferb lowered his eyelids again: his work was done.

Behind him, Perry crept up and chattered a greeting. Ferb scooped him up in his arms and exited stage right.

* * *

_During the credits..._

"No, for the last time, I'm a _human being!_" A dream-Doofenshmirtz complained to a dream-tree-person. "Here, I've got a whole song about it!"

_I'm not a tree, I'm not a tree!  
__I've got muscles, bones, and veins and arteriiieees!  
__And though my arms are made of metal,  
__I would never grow a petal-  
_'_Cause I'm_ homo sapiens_, not a tree!_

* * *

**I'm not going Ferbella I promise!**

**Now that that's out of the way, some disclaimers. Yes, I was the one who first had the weird tree-person dream, but I don't remember the song involved, so I parodied _Tangled's _"I've Got a Dream" at my brother's suggestion. (And Buford referenced Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" because... reasons.) And the cover was photocupped. ^^ Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and can we maybe get some reviews up in here?**

**As always, Carpe Diem!**


	8. Act My Age

**Nope, not an Act Your Age Parody, sorry. Just, that title was already taken, so I'm going with the alternative, which works even better. Just to be clear, this one takes place the day before Thaddeus and Thor does, and is rather - different from the rest. **

**Also, big thank-you to anyone and everyone who's been reviewing, especially last chapter. You're all super awesome! Anyway, on with it.**

* * *

_"Mo-ooom!"_ The cry resounded throughout the house. "You have to come quick! The boys built the largest magnifying glass ever in the backyard!"

Candace paused as she grabbed her mother's wrist. "I don't even think it has any practical benefit!"

She carried the two out to the backyard, which was vacant except for the boys and their friends looking for snacks, while Candace sat there blubbering._ "How!?"_

The following days was the same charade. "Come on! The boys made a statue of Perry out of socks! _Socks!_"

"Mamá, ¡Phineas y Ferb construyeron una machina que hacerme hablar español!"

"Look outside, they're having hoverboard races. On jetpacks!"

"Mom, Phineas and Ferb made my skin green. What do you _mean_, you're going color blind? How does that even happen?"

_"Phineas and Ferb are in the Andromeda Galaxy."_

That day, Linda stopped her daughter there. "You know, some of the things you say are a little - out there, honey."

"Exactly!" Candace pointed to a random space above her on the ceiling. "_Out there_ is where the boys are! See, I even have some doohickey they were using to get there in my hands." Neither noticed as a beam of light hit the object through the window.

"Candace, that's a teddy bear."

"Why is it a teddy bear!?"

"My point stands. Maybe when you're older you'll understand that I have better things to do than constantly running out to see - nothing!" She took a breath to compose herself. "Come on, Candace; let's go outside and see."

Candace crossed her arms and turned to follow the woman. "If they're not in space, I'll eat my shoe."

Indeed, Candace was served grilled shoe for dinner that night.

* * *

The next day, Candace could be seen laying upside down at the foot of her bed, cell phone pressed to her ear.

"I just don't get it, Stacy. Mom's never even around to see anything they do anymore. As if it needs to be even harder to bust them! Anyway, I've gotta go..."

The teenager was interrupted by the opening of her door. "Candace," her mother began, "Dad and I have a special meeting today with the head of antiquing in the Tri-State Area, and it might run long." She sighed. "Do you think you can hold down the fort for a while? We're getting back at around dinnerti-"

"What?" Candace demanded, "You're going to be gone all day? But what about when you have to bust the boys? Whatever they're doing, it's only going to last a few hours."

She tried reasoning. "Well, if I haven't seen it yet, what makes you think I might today? Besides, your father and I have been planning this for a couple of months. It's a very prestigious event."

"Ugh," droned Candace. "But it's so boring! All you do is look at a thing and say 'Wow, this is old! How old do you think it is? I think it's a hundred years old!' And then whoever you're talking to turns around and says, 'No, see this dirt smudge? It's a hundred and _four_ years old!' And then you sell it anyway, so what's even the point?"

Linda turned to leave, and Candace followed her down the stairs. "The point is, you are making money off of the exchange of tangible pieces of history. You won't be old enough to understand until you've spent a day in my shoes."

"Oh, I'm old enough to understand anything!" Candace insisted, as her mother pulled the sliding glass door open to the outside. "Except why the yard is empty. Yo, kids! Where's the big invention?" At this point, she had maneuvered out the door to where her brothers and their friends were sitting beneath the tree, idle.

"What do you mean?" Phineas responded. "We haven't built anything."

"Well, as long as you're behaving yourselves," agreed Linda. "Now, your father and I aren't going to be here for most of today, so Candace is in charge."

Said redhead grinned at that. "I do like being in charge."

"Glad to hear it."

Linda went inside, and seconds later, the car door could be heard shutting and the vehicle pulling out from the driveway. "Well, she doesn't waste her time," Candace remarked. "So what are you all planning on doing today that I won't be busting you for?"

"Mineral identification," Phineas explained, gesturing to whatever Baljeet was studying beside him. "Baljeet's been so involved in his recent geology project that we figured we'd give him a hand. Using an invention capable of returning rocks to the form they were in as they were being made, of course!"

"Oh, you would do that for me?" Baljeet asked, briefly looking up from his examination of two cuts of stone. Looking back down at the items in his hands, he noted, "That is so nice."

Phineas shrugged it off with a smile. "It's no problem, Baljeet. What are friends for?"

"Oh, no, I was just saying this was gneiss," the Indian boy corrected, holding one up. "But my _granit_ude is implied."

"Okay, but I have a better idea," suggested Candace. "Instead of that, how about you..." She picked up a soccer ball that was left on the grass. "...Just play a nice, safe game of sports?"

Phineas mulled it over. "Um, I'd rather we do this. Maybe later though."

"Aw, schist."

All heads turned to Baljeet: "What?"

Baljeet held up a piece of schist. "This."

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

"So tell me, Perry the Platypus, how do you plan on defeating me this time?" Doctor Doofenshmirtz cackled to himself. "I take your silence to mean you have no way. That, or no voice box - ah, this isn't coming out right."

He coughed into his fist so as to start over. "Now, Perry the Platypus, tremble before my heinous -Inator! It's so evil and havoc-wreaking and-"

At this point, Doofenshmirtz could see his unamused nemesis's face in the mirror he was practicing in front of. "Wow, you're here early."

Perry the Platypus, unamused by the doctor's antics, replaced the grappling hook in his hand. "Uh, I don't really have a trap for you yet, but uh..."

In an act of improvisation, Doofenshmirtz shrugged off his lab coat and tossed it in Perry's direction, allowing it to drape itself over the platypus. Effortlessly Perry lifted the edge up for him to see properly. "Yeah, that was not my most effective attempt... Eeyah!"

With that cry, Doofenshmirtz took off in the opposite direction, seeing as Perry was now allowed to give chase. He stopped when he found himself cornered, back against his completed -Inator. "Whew," he noted, feeling his sides for the familiar pockets of his lab coat. "It sure feels weird not having that thing on. Anyhow, you think you have me trapped, well, you - uh - you do, except you have me trapped against today's -Inator!"

He turned around, pressed some buttons, and tried to explain. "You see, the Doofenshmirtzes from Drusselstein are coming all the way here to the States this weekend for our annual family reunion, and seeing as Roger was always their favorite, I'm going to try to turn things around this time! Seriously, they even insist on having it over here every year, just to see how 'his' city is being run. There are only, like, two of us in this whole country, it's ridiculous! Hey, if you're not using it, can I have my lab coat back?"

Perry, after thoroughly checking the article's pockets - and finding nothing but used tissues and peanut butter stains in them - handed it back. "Oh yeah, come to papa," Doof said gratefully as he shrugged it back on. "So, how am I going to win my parents' love back, you ask? Well, since I can't do it with kickball (I'll tell you all about that some other time), my only option is to play the card that got Roger his popularity over me before either of us were even born: I will have to become... the younger brother!"

The sun came back out from behind a cloud, and through the window a rainbow could be seen forming. "Aw, crud, the weather never cooperates when I'm trying to be dramatic. You know, a good thunderstorm would be nice every once in a while, just saying!" The last line was directed out the window, accompanied by an angry fist shake. "Point is, I need to become the younger - and therefore more likeable - sibling, and since I'm too lazy to fix my Time Travel-Inator, I built this machine."

In one sweeping gesture, Doofenshmirtz showed off the invention. "The Age Switch-Inator!

"With this," he continued, turning around, "I will swap the ages of Roger and myself, effectively putting myself in a position of greater parental appeasement! I wonder if that'll make the Tri-State Area like me better as well..?"

He rubbed his chin in thought. "Well, only one way to find out. Now, to use it! First, I gotta zap myself, like so..."

Perry the Platypus refused to let him get away with it; before any damage could be done, he delivered a quick punch to the machine's barrel. Its direction swiftly changed to point towards the nearby suburbia, and the second ray fired.

* * *

"Okay, you know what? Fine. You can do whatever you want with your rocks or whatever, as long as you don't bother me. It's not like there are any adults around to bust you."

As Candace turned around to walk back inside the house, a solid yellow beam of light hit her on the back of the head.

Her body glowed white for a split second, and when it stopped, an entirely different Candace stood in front of them. "Excuse me," she snapped accusingly, "did one of you just throw something at me?"

Everyone except Phineas, who was smiling proudly, gawked at her sudden transformation to a full-fledged adult. "Candace!" Exclaimed her brother, "You had a growth spurt!"

"Growth spurt?" Candace repeated, doubtfully. "I haven't grown since seventh graaaa- wha?"

Her voice trailed off as she looked down at her much less flimsy limbs and torso. Her hands flew to her face and raked through her slightly shorter hair, astonished. Even her outfit changed.

"Okay, what's going on? This is _not_ some normal stuff right here!"

"Oh, I think that's called - something like-" Phineas searched his mind for the word. "...Poo-ber-tee?"

"No, that's much more drawn out and awkward. This is just wrong. It looks like I'm, like, forty years old!"

Ferb squinted at his stepsister, then held up seven fingers. "Ferb says you look forty-seven," interpreted Phineas.

"Ugh, it doesn't matter; just change me back!" Candace demanded. "Bad things happen when I wear pants."

She shivered at memories of squirrels and poodles alike.

"Well, we'll see what we can do, but Baljeet-"

"Who cares about that?" Buford, who was silent the whole time, spoke up. "He's enough of a brainiac to figure it out for hisself."

Everyone was quiet. "Did - you just compliment Baljeet?" Isabella wondered.

"No; _you_ complimented him."

"Um... Okay?"

"Well, in that case, Isabella, I highly _amphibol_-ate it," Baljeet quipped. "Because, you know, amphibole..."

Isabella shook her head. "No, I still don't get it. I _basalt_ you for an explanation."

"Then I _shale_ explain it."

"_Talc_ you for that."

"And I will be sure to cal_cite_ my sources."

"Guys, guys, 'ou're trying too hard," Candace interrupted, "Besides, I have a little situation over here!"

"Did you say 'ore'?" Phineas noticed, and Isabella and Baljeet broke out laughing.

"Ore! Candace is in on it too!"

"Oh, yeah? _Scor_ia!"

"Okay, are you guys going to help me or what?" Candace demanded, and Phineas explained.

"Oh, Candace, they're just trying to _garne_t a reaction out of you."

As smugly as Phineas's jovial nature allowed him to be, the boy held up one hand on either side of him and received two high-fours from his friends.

"Alright. Fine. If you're not going to help me, I'll just go and... try to adjust to my new life as an adult. It all happened so quickly..." Candace lamented dramatically, holding her right arm from the elbow down over her face as she walked out the gate and into the world.

Phineas blinked. "Well, she doesn't waste her time."

* * *

"I can't believe it!" Doofenshmirtz's voice was notably higher than normal. "Perry the Platypus, it worked! I feel so... energetic, and full of youthful vigor, and... hormonal?"

Doofenshmirtz's lab coat hung loosely around his shoulders in a way he was uncomfortable with. His hair was even sloppier than normal, and his limbs scrawnier. "Something is not right here."

The disconcerted doctor looked around for the mirror he was practicing in front of earlier. "By Jove!" He held both sides of the mirror with either hand. "I'm a teenaged boy again! This - is not at all what I had planned."

He turned around and thrust his hands in the air. "It's even _better!_

"When Ma sees me tomorrow, not only will I be the younger brother, I'll be the _kid_ brother! Not - really sure what the advantages of that are, but it's gotta be somehow proportional, right? Ah, I should have thought of this earlier!"

Perry squinted at his nemesis; the only thing that could be worse than an experienced Doof is an experienced Doof with the body of a Gimmelshtumpian teen. He had dealt with this before, and he was still bothered by the memory.

"C'mon, dude, this is so hip! It's gonna rule tomorrow, I tells ya!"

But why did it not go as planned? Roger was in his forties. Perry's eyes widened. Somewhere in Danville, a teenager had just experienced their first forty-seventh birthday.

He parachuted off the building.

* * *

Candace held a hand to her forehead as she walked. "Man, what am I going to do now? I look like a middle-aged woman, but I have no job, no money, nowhere to be, going home's useless, and all I have for identification is a fifteen-year-old's learner permit!"

She shifted her hand to her chin. "Then again, I can vote now. Maybe I'll find an election somewhere. In fact, there's probably a lot more that I can do now! I - could - see my teachers in a grocery store, and it wouldn't be as weird. Or, maybe even..." She pulled out a hand mirror and looked for the slightest signs of wrinkles on her face; there were none. "Nah, I probably can't pass for a senior and get into the movies cheap. I'll have to think of something else."

Lost in her thoughts, Candace didn't notice the person whose shoulder she bumped into on the sidewalk. "Oh, I'm so sorry-" she began, then his face kicked into her memory.

"Up, my fault," Jeremy Johnson replied. "Didn't see you there, stranger."

_Oh, he doesn't recognize me. Good, _Candace couldn't help thinking in relief. "Uhuhuh, yeah, you too, I mean, I didn't see you either, in that-" She realized what she was doing and coughed into her hand. Then, making her voice sound deeper, she took a different route. "Yes, you should watch where you're going, young man. Kids these days never pay attention to their surroundings anymore."

She mumbled the last sentence as she walked away, so as to make the reaction sound more realistic. However, a skeptical smile grew on Jeremy's face, and he continued on his way to the Flynn-Fletcher house.

Phineas and Ferb looked up as the teen peered over their fence. "Alright, so, what did you guys do to Candace?"

* * *

Olive green couch cushions were strategically placed around a coffee table with a blanket draped over it. Standing on this structure was the triumphant figure of Heinz Doofenshmirtz, pumping two fists in the air and announcing, "I will take over the entire Tri-State Area!"

His face fell; he was still too old for this, and now that that animal was gone, there was no one in the apartment. "Now, what is it teenagers do again?" Wondered he, trying to remember so he could take full advantage of his new form. "Hey, I have a good idea. I'll just ask Vanessa! She would know."

* * *

"So I asked him if I could borrow the car just for a few hours, and you know what my dad said?" Vanessa was at Lacie's apartment, where the two were redoing their nail polish.

"What'd he say?"

"He said I could, just as long as I took all the chickens out of the exha-"

Vanessa was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. "Wait, this is him now. Sorry, I have to take this real quick..."

Heinz's voice sounded excited. "Vanessa, you'll never guess how old I am!"

Taking great care not to smudge her manicured hands, she pinched the bridge of her nose. "You know, that's not a great way to greet someone..."

"Just guess."

"Fine, how?"

"My Age Swap-Inator missed and I'm fifteen again! Isn't this rad, dude?"

Vanessa sent Lacie a look and got the sympathy she was asking for. "Okay, I'm coming over there. And I'm not a dude."

She hung up. "Sorry, I have to go. Tell your brother what I said about his comb collection."

* * *

"Okay, I'm here; now, what is going on?" Vanessa sounded stern.

Doofenshmirtz gawked. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe I have to look up to you now! Anyway, it's been like three weeks since I've been a teenager last, could you show me how it's done?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "This is what you made me leave Lacie's for? You know what, whatever, I'm going back."

"Hey, you can't talk to me like that. You have to listen to me because I'm - your - father. Nyeh."

The last mocking noise was accompanied by a sticking out of his tongue. "Alright, fine; _if_ you let me borrow the car after this."

"Chickens," he reminded her.

In between mumbles, a weak "fine," escaped Vanessa. From offscreen she pulled out an electric guitar with a Union Jack on it, and began to play the beginning of a punk rock-sounding song.

_If you want to relive the years of adolescence  
There are certain things you should and shouldn't do  
__Forget the slang and clothes and culture of back then  
Because the times have changed and that means so do you!_

_It's all about the social life and tech  
__Not the silly work and play from long ago!  
__A teenager is neurotic, cool, and conforms  
But that's not nearly all you need to know..!_

The music then changed to a prim, gavotte style as Vanessa continued.

_It seems like an enormous oxymoron__  
__But you must rebel and fit in at the same time.  
__There's always drama, but you don't seem to care much  
Despite the raging conflict in your mind._

_You know all the greatest sports teams  
__And actors, singers too  
You get a job, you learn to drive, start to discover 'you'.  
__You're caught up on every season__  
Of the most popular shows.  
__Youre thinking about college  
__And that is all you need to know..!  
_

"Oh, cool. I can totes do that," Doofenshmirtz claimed, as the song ended.

Vanessa cringed. "Are you sure?"

"Well, isn't that what I'm supposed to say?"

She rolled her eyes again, then patted him on the back. "You got it. Now, can I have the keys?"

"Sure, they're on this hook, up - here..." He jumped up and down at a nearby wall. "...That I can't seem to reach because I'm so short now."

"Shh," Vanessa scolded, reaching up to grab the keys and twirling them around her finger. "Self-consciousness goes on the _inside_, remember."

* * *

Perry did not know where to start looking for Doofenshmirtz's unfortunate victim, but he figured he would start at the Danville forty-seven-year-old convention. As he ducked around people complaining about their age and weight and talking about their lavish mid-life crises, he searched for anyone with distinctly different, adolescent-like mannerisms.

At one booth, they were holding a group vote for the most interesting forty-seven-year-old in Danville; a commotion had started up, and Perry could discern from the claims of those involved that there was currently a tie.

"Aaand, the final slip enters the box... What does it say?" An announcer narrated as a strikingly familiar woman placed her vote - apparently the deciding factor in the poll. "Let's see... Well, it appears our winner this year is none other than a Mister... Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Who - does not appear to be present. So, since this was a tie, the title will go instead to the tiebreaker, the last person to vote. Tell me, missus, what's your name?"

The woman took the microphone. "It's miss, fyi, and my name is Candace."

Perry's breathing shook. His Candace? That would explain the familiarity.

"Alright, Candace, and what made you pick Heinz?"

"Eh, I just chose the person with the funniest-sounding name."

"Oh - okay... Anything else you'd like to tell us, now that you're Danville's most interesting forty-seven-year-old?"

"Um, yes. Just a few hours ago I was fifteen."

Perry covered his ears as the crowd all laughed. "Yes, well, time sure does fly," the announcer said. "Everyone, give it up for Candace!"

Perry lowered his eyelids. He was going to fix this.

* * *

Candace jogged as fast as she could home, but her limbs didn't work as well as she was accustomed to. She was panting by the time she reached the gate to her backyard.

"Alright, I just elected myself the most interesting forty-seven-year-old in Danville, and I'm tired of being an adult," she demanded of the children as she pushed it opened.

"Shame," explained Phineas, "Dad really wanted to win that."

Candace blanked out, then blinked. "I need you guys to change me back."

"Done and _dun_ite," her brother retorted, motioning to the machine he made. "Baljeet's all done with his project, so we've just been reverting random things to their state of formation all day for fun. Just let us use this on you, you'll turn back into a zygote, and hopefully in fifteen years you'll be back to normal again."

"Um." This was not the answer Candace was looking for. "No can do, that would mean you guys would all be older than me. I can't have that! I need to be older so I can bust - you - wait a minute..."

Candace looked up in epiphany. "Now I'm old enough to bust you guys myself!"

* * *

"So you know, I was just chilling out the other day, when all of the sudden this guy behind me starts rapping really, really loudly," Doofenshmirtz explained into his flip phone. "And I'm like, I can totally rap better than that, and he says to me, he says-"

He was interrupted by a force smashing through his wall. "Perry the Platypus? What are you doing here?"

Perry squinted at the item in the boy's hands, took it, and gave him a flat look; the device was not even on. "Yeah, Vanessa tried to show me how to be a good teenager, but it ain't working squat, dude."

The platypus pointed to the Age Switch-Inator. "Oh, you want to use that thing? Whatever. It don't even work."

Not feeling like heeding his nemesis's warning, Perry strutted towards the -Inator. He took aim at Candace and fired, then turned around and pointed it at Doof.

"Hey, what's the big deal? I didn't do anything to you!"

He fired the yellow beam and looked away as Doof grew thirty-two years older.

The disgruntled man looked around. "Hey, I feel totally diff- oh, look what you did. Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

* * *

"Heeey, what?" A disappointed Candace groaned when she realized she was herself again. "I was just about to bust you..."

"Oh, you're back to normal," noted Phineas. "Well, at least you can watch us turn this mirror into its original form."

"_Pyr_ite the laser," Isabella commanded, and Baljeet responded.

"Of _course_. Because, some rocks are fine, but others are..? No? Okay."

He activated their invention, whose beam reflected off the mirror and collapsed it into a pile of bolts, metal, wires, and tools.

"Wow. We really should have seen that coming," Phineas quipped. A small animal rubbed up against his leg; "Oh, there you are, Perry."

* * *

"Hm, I guess since Perry the Platypus didn't destroy this, there's no reason for me to try again. Let's see, first, one to one of those kids…"

He fired the beam, hitting Candace again. "Wait, did that press all the way? Oh well, I'll try it again." This time, the beam hit Ferb.

"Okay, and then I have to hit myself next. Three, two, one, and…" He pressed the button, and there was an explosion.

"Aw, shoot, that was the self-destruct button!"

* * *

Candace felt giddy, if not shorter. "Hey, this time I got even younger. Wait a minute, this means - aw, yeah, no more puberty for this ten-year-old!"

Everyone else looked at her suspiciously. To break the tension, Phineas turned around.

"Hey, where's Ferb?"

* * *

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz was absentmindedly sipping her coffee at Steam Noir when a tall, green-haired stranger took the seat across from her. He reminded her of someone, but this person was clearly five years older than the one she was thinking of.

"Um, do I know you?" She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"You don't recognise me?"

She rolled her eyes once more, this time playfully smiling. "C'mon, Ferb, let's get you back to my dad's. He'll know how to get you back to normal."

* * *

_During the credits..._

The next day, Heinz was lamenting his failure to his mother. "Come on, I made this whole -Inator for it and everything! If I could just have been the younger brother for one day, you would like me, and this could maybe be a good time!"

Mrs. Doofenshmirtz stopped and put a hand on her son's shoulder. "Heinz. I don't like you less than your brother because he's the younger sibling. I just can't stand you for who you are."

He let her walk away while he angrily processed that information. "Who I am... Why, who am I that you hate so much?"

From off screen, someone threw a red kickball in his direction; then, it hit him. "Terrible at kickball. That's what I am."

Then, a pause. "Wait, that gives me an idea! I'll call it the Kick-Inator - oh, it's going to be great!"

* * *

**Yes, that song was indeed a backwards parody of "How to be a Lady" from My Fair Goalie. That is, the punk part is first, then it becomes the nicer, calmer part.**

**Anyway, thanks for reading! Carpe Diem! :D**


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